Mrs Ford.

So, Captain!

Mrs Page.

So, Mrs Ford!

Falst.

Hey day! what Stripling? What Abridgment of Man have we here?

Mrs Ford.

What Business brings you hither, Captain?

Mrs Page.

Can't you guess!

Mrs Ford.

No truly.

Mrs Page.

Why the very same that I had when I was here last with you.

Mrs Ford.

When was that pray?

Mrs Page.

Have you forgot? Come, come, come into the Bed Chamber, and I'll refresh your Memory. Are you alone?

Mrs Ford.

No, I have a very toublesom Impudent Fool with me.

Mrs Page.

Demme! meaning me, ha! Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

Let those that deserve it, take it to themselves.

Mrs Page.

Demme! I shall beat your Cuckold for this.

Falst.

What Taylors yard is this?

Mrs Page.

Nay, but dear Mrs Ford, now, why should you oblige me to force Nature now, and be out of Humour in spight of my Teeth. Upon my Soul I am inclin'd to be the best Natur'd Creature in the World, now, by this Kiss I am.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, Captain.

Mrs Page.

And this.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, fie Captain.

Mrs Page.

And this.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, dear Captain.

Falst.

If I remain conceal'd a little longer, Ford and I are like to be Brothers, a way that I did not dream of. They are at it as close as Cockles, a Plague on them.

Mrs Page.

Prethee my dear sweet Creature come into the next Room now.

Mrs Ford.

Heark! As I hope to Live, I hear somebody coming up Stairs. Nay, as I hope to Breath don't offer it. I expect my Husband every moment, and some Company with him.

Mrs Page.

Well! will you promise to meet me anon there?

Mrs Ford.

I will.

Mrs Page.

At seven!

Mrs Ford.

At seven! To be rid of you now. (turning to Falstaffe.)

Mrs Page.

But may not I know who comes with your Husband?

Mrs Ford.

I don't know them all myself, Sir John Falstaffe is one.

Mrs Page.

Sir John Falstaffe! Ha, ha, I am just now come from the Prince and

Poyns, with whom I have had such a Banquet of Laughter at that fat Fool

Falst.

what says the Baboon?

Mrs Ford.

At him?

Mrs Page.

Oh! he's a perpetual Jest, an everlasting Comedy; But there have lately happened two such ridiculons accidents, as might make a Carthusian merry.

Mrs Ford.

To Sir John? What were they, pray?

Mrs Page.

Why yesterday night, there was a Bastard laid to him by the Parish Fool of Bray yonder. And this very morning he entred into a course of Physick for a Distemper he got two nights ago of a Costermongers Daughters at Eaton.

Falst.

Villain thou liest: In thy Throat thou liest.

Mrs P.

Have mercy upon me!

Falst.

Marry and Amen, for thou hast not three minutes to live.

Mrs Page.

What have we here a Ghost?

Falst.

You make fat Ghosts, you Raskal; I'll make you feel that I am no Ghost.

Mrs Page.

Thou art in the right of it; he were a Devil that could take thee for a Ghost: But demme, if you are not a Ghost, I'll make you one.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, good Captain.

Mrs Page.

Let me come.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, dear Sir John.

Falst.

Stand off Woman, do you think I'll be come over thus by a younker. Sirrah, 'tis thou that appearest like a Ghost, yet hast not half the substance of one. For thou art neither Flesh nor Spirit, thou Vapour, thou Shadow, thou bungling sign-post Picture of man.

Mrs Page.

Why, thou great incumbrance upon a little Soul, thou walking Dunghil, thou Stalking Nonsence, thou Rumbling Dung-Cart of Butchers Offal, thou Insect magnify'd, that lookst monstrous to the Eye, and to the Mind art nothing.

Falst.

Why, thou Upright Weasil, thou Rabbit a Tiptoe, thou Jack in a Lanthorn without Light! Thou Famines Fool! Thou Apparition of a Doit! Thou Idea of an Ass!

Mrs Page.

Peace, you fat Fool! Peace, you Goblin Incarnate. As Wisdom was the offspring of Jove's Brain, Folly is the legitimate Daughter of thine. Thou never offerst to speak but thou art the very Mountain in Labour, and whenever thou bringst forth, thou art laugh'd at.

Falst.

Why thou Whimsey, thou Dream! thou Illusion! thou Dream of a Whimsey! Oh for a little more Breath! Oh for some Wind of utterance!

Falst.

Breath? Ay, I'll give you Breath. I'll stop your scandalous Wind-pipe, o u Dog.

Serv.

Captain, I desire a word in private with you.

Mrs Pa.

Friend, I am in no humour at present to have any thing said to me in private.

Serv.

Captain, what I have to say concerns you near.

Mrs Pa.

And your holding your Tongue, Sir, concerns you nearer, for if you say any thing more to me I'll break your head.

Serv.

Captain, I love you, and must speak.

Mrs Pa.

Sirrah, Love your self, and be gone.

Serv.

Yes, I will be gone; but first I will speak. The Officer that you pistoll'd last night at Colebook is dead of his wounds.

Mrs Pa.

How? Dead!

Serv.

Captain, he's Dead: And there are no less than ten Officers in search of you. Look you, if you'll take care of your self you may; if not, why who a pox cares, if you go to that.

Mrs Pa.

Demme, Dead! I'm in danger enough then. What must I do? Hold! Let me consider a little.

Falst. while Mrs Page walks musing)

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Ford.

Softlier, Sir John!

Falst.

Who wou'd have thought this Man of Lath had been such a Kill-cow.

Mrs Ford.

Oh, 'tis the most desperate Villain upon Earth! This is the fourth man that he has murder'd.

Falst.

Humh!

Mrs Ford.

You see I was forc'd to let him have his Humour. Wou'd to Heaven we were both out of his hands!

Falst.

Wou'd I were fairly dead Drunk at the Garter.

Mrs Pa.

Mrs Ford, you heard what this Fellow told me, 'twill be dangerous to stay much longer here.

Mrs Ford.

Ay! pray be gone.

Mrs Page.

Would I were fairly out of the Town.

Mrs Ford.

Ay so do I with all my Soul.

Mrs Page.

I'd give 50 l. I were fairly in the Netherlands.

Falst.

In Lucifers I say.

Mrs Ford.

I'd give a hundred you were in the Indies.

Mrs Page.

You would, you say, Mrs Ford. Come, come, we understand your meaning.

Mrs Ford.

What shall be my meaning but your safety?

Mrs Page.

Do you take me to be such a credulous Block-head? No! drown you! you want to be left with your Paramour here, that you may gratifie your base desire, and Triumph on the misfortunes of poor Dingboy. But since I must be forc'd to sly, I'll do something more to deserve it, and perhaps, Mrs Ford, you may mourn in earnest. Cogmagog there shall have no cause to Brag. Rot me, thou art a fair mark, and have at thee.

Mrs Ford.

Ay me! you have kill'd him.

Mrs Page.

No, D&wblank; him, the Dog is not Dead yet. But I'll take care that he shall be. This I'll discharge at his very Heart.

Mrs Ford. (Interposing)

What do you mean, Captain, by this?

Mrs Page.

I'll have his Blood, his Blood.

Mrs Ford.

His Blood! for what?

Mrs Page.

He is my Rival, and he dies for't

Mrs Ford.

Why an old Spainard with a young Wife, was never so ridiculously jealous.

Mrs Page.

What was he conceal'd for? What came he hither for? Answer me that.

Mrs Ford.

Sir John!

Falst.

My Dear!

Mrs Ford.

I have thought of a way to save your Life, but be sure you second me.

Falst.

I warrant thee.

Mrs Ford.

Why, can you think I am in Love with this Knight? Prithee survey him, Captain, a little. Is this a Creature for a Woman to Love? Why he has been a Jest and a By-word, among all the Women that ever knew him.

Mrs Page.

How?

Falst.

The Truth's the Truth, I have—

Mrs Ford.

What, jealous of me with a Porpus, Captain? If my Desires cou'd be so preposterous, yet how the Devil cou'd I bring it about?

Falst.

Consider that, Captain, consider that.

Mrs Page.

A Porpus! 'Sdeath no fooling with me! He came hither to lye with you, for which he dyes.

Falst.

Oh, oh, oh—

Mrs Ford.

Nay, but hear me a little.

Mrs Page.

Hear you a little! What shou'd I hear?

Mrs Ford.

Hear me but a moment.

Mrs Page.

You may talk, Mrs Ford, but you shall find that when I am resolv'd upon cutting a throat, I'll not be baulk'd in my Humour.

Falst.

His Humour quotha! a plague upon his Humour! Why whom have we here, one of Nym's Brethren?

Mrs Page.

Well! But what have you to say?

Mrs Ford.

Why, I am confident that Sir John here cou'd not find in his heart to lye with me, or any other woman whatever.

Mrs Page.

No, I warrant! he has it not in his power.

Falst.

You have hit it, I have not i'faith.

Mrs Ford.

I don't believe he knows what a wicked desire is.

Falst.

If I do! I am a Villain. If I have not forget whether Lust be a pleasure or a pain, I am no two legg'd Creature.

Mrs Page.

How?

Falst.

About two years ago I got to bed to a Cheesemongers Wife, and if I was not canted out of bed by her, and kick'd like a Football for downright Frigidity, may I be beaten, till from Plump Jack I dwindle to Poor John.

Mrs Page.

'Sdeath! no fooling with me! This is an evident plot to a abuse me.

Serv.

Captain! Captain!

Mrs Page.

The matter?

Serv.

The man of the House bids me tell you, that Mr Ford is two or three doors off, and designs to be here immediately.

Mrs Page.

Ha! This is something unlucky: This unexpected accident obliges me to alter my measures. Well, Sir John, you say that you had no design upon Mrs Ford?

Falst.

Upon my Knighthood none in the least.

Mrs Page.

Why then, look you, we are Pylades and Orestes; and to shew thee how heartily I am reconcil'd to thee, give me thy hand, old Boy: Thou shalt do the office of a Friend for me. Thou wilt do it? Ha!

Falst.

Why, what wou'd not a man do, you know, to oblige so loving a Friend?

Mrs Page.

Being oblig'd to fly, for Reasons that have been hinted to you, I wou'd willingly take my leave of this Gentlewoman in private. Now we are threatned with a little Interruption, do you see; and therefore I conjure thee upon our Friendship, do you see; that while she and I are in the next Room together, thou would'st stand here for a minute Centry, do you see; and give me notice of the Husband's approach, do you see!

Falst.

Why, considering the Friendship that has past between us, do you see;

thou makest me a modest and reasonable Request: But being Pimp in Ordinary to the Royal Family; do you see, Prince Hall has sworn me to confine my Talent to that.

Mrs Page.

Demme what do you mean, Sir? Do you think that this Vertuous Gentlewoman —Look you, the time presses, either resolve to do it, or—you understand me—Come, Mrs Ford.

Mrs Ford.

Why what do you mean, Captain?

Mrs Page.

To shoot the Knight thro the Head there, if you say but a Syllable more. Stay, I'll see if the Coast is clear.

Falst.

Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

My Dear!

Falst.

What do you resolve to do?

Mrs Ford.

To save you, Sir John, whatever comes of it.

Falst.

Why look you now! Who says that this is not a loving, charitable, tender-hearted Creature?

Mrs Ford.

Why, my Dear, do you think that I can resolve to see you shot thro the Head?

Falst.

No, I'll say that for her, she'll rather choose to be run thro the Body herself.

Mrs Ford.

Why 'tis but Humouring him, you know, for a moment.

Falst.

Nothing in the versal world else. Nay, the Captain will be for Humouring you too.

Mrs Page.

Well, I see the Coast is clear. Come, Mrs Ford, let us go in quickly.

Mrs Ford.

Ah Dear Sir John, you see what I do to preserve you.

Falst.

I do indeed, I see it plainly, out of stark love and kindness for me, she's going to lye with the Captain. Exeunt Mrs Ford and Mrs Page. If I shou'd fall away in my Carcass suddenly as I am sunk in my Circumstances, my Skin wou'd hang as awkwardly about me as a Buff Jerkin does about a Taylor Militant. I came hither a bold-fac'd vigorous Whore-master, and by the management of this plaguy Bully, whom Heaven confound, I am I know not how in a Trice, Hictius Doctius'd, Hocus Pocus'd into a sneaking contemplative Pimp. If it shou'd come to the ear of the Court how I have been transform'd, they would melt me out of my Fat drop by drop, and liquor Fishermens Boots with me. I warrant they wou'd whip me with their fine Wits, till I was crest-faln as a dryed Pear. I never prosper'd since I forswore my self at Premero. Well, if my wind were but long enough I wou'd repent: For what has happen'd looks like a Judgment upon me. For, what brought thee hither, ask thy self that question, old Jack? Why, Varity, Covetousness and Letchery. And how hast thou been pepper'd in all three? At the very time that thou hast been yearning to be at performance, thou hast been forc'd in the very face of the party to make a Libel upon thy Impotence. There's for thy Vanity, a plaguy Mortification! And at the very moment that thou wer't going to dig for the Oar, a Rakehell in Red, before thy very eyes, came and took possession of the Mine. There's for thy Covetousness. A Jerker i'faith. And in the Height and Rage of thy own Desire, thou art here standing very foolishly, and holding the Door for another. Another Devilish Mortification. They are at it, I warrant you, helter skelter by this time. Well! May Carbuncles and Rubies reward their Labour! Sack and Sugar is sweet. Nay, faith, very sweet. But Revenge is sweeter than Sack and Sugar. Then will I softly steal down stairs, and forthwith disclose the Bully Rock to the Constable.

Serv.

Sir, my Master sent me to see whither you are alone and at leisure.

Falst.

Prithee what is thy Master, Fellow?

Serv.

Oh Sir, an humble Servant of yours, who designs to surprize you.

Falst.

Well! but what is his business, Friend?

Serv.

Why, Sir, he bad me tell you, that if you were alone and at leisure, Sir, for he hates to do any thing rudely, or, as I may say, indencently, Sir; but as I was saying, if you were alone, and at leisure, he would do himself the Honour to come and—stick a Toledo in your Guts, Sir!

Falst.

Surprize me! Marry, and so he has, Fellow thy Embassy relish'd well at the first going down, but it hath a Villanous after-taste, a Whorson twang of the Boracho. Prithee once more what is his Name? Nay, a Plague on thee, speak with the inside of thy Mouth, and explain that Damnable grin a little.

Serv.

Sir, he strictly enjoyn'd me silence as to the point in question, but since I hear him at the bottom of the Stairs, and half a dozen Friends with him, who are as Zealous to do you service, as he can possibly be for his Life, I think I may venture to tell you that his Name is Ford, Sir—

Falst.

Ford! and at the bottom of the Stairs, I shall make bold to secure the door here.

Serv.

Sir, I beseech you Sir.

Falst.

Fellow, stand away.

Serv.

Nay I hope you won't offer it, Sir?

Falst.

Why thou soft Tongue'd Rascal stand off

Serv.

Nay, I protest, Sir, I cannot suffer it: Lord, Sir, why will you give your self this unnecessary Trouble!

Falst.

Why Sirrah! thou Villain! What shall I do? Why Mrs Ford! Captain! Mrs Ford! Captain Dingboy!

Mrs Ford. within.

We come presently, Sir John.

Falst.

A plague of your Caterwawling!

Mrs Ford. (entering with Mrs Page)

What's the matter?

Falst.

The matter! Why, your Husband is coming to cut my Throat, to be reveng'd of the Captain there.

Mrs Ford.

My Husband! Bless me! Where is he?

Falst.

Where is he? Coming up stairs he is, with all the Cuckolds of the Hundred along with him. Reasonable people I have to deal with, very reasonable people. You lye with the Captain there out of kindness to me: And because the Capiain's Blood is in Vagaries, old Jack, forsooth, must have his Jugular Veins open'd.

Mrs Page.

Well! but what shall we do?

Serv.

Sir, my Master has nothing to say to any one but Sir John.

Mrs Ford.

What shall we do with Sir John then? But perhaps this is a false alarm; for methinks they are a long time a coming.

Serv.

Oh Madam, never trust to that: That is because the Landlord is struggling with him at the bottom of the Stairs, and endeavouring to disswade him. They are resolv'd to search all the House for Sir John here.

Mrs Ford.

Alas! What shall we do?

Mrs Page.

Look! Here's a Basket. If it will contain him, he may creep in there, and you may throw foul Linnen upon him, as if he were going to Bucking.

Mrs Ford.

He's too big to go in there. What shall we do? Hark, as I live, they're coming up stairs.

Falst.

Let me see't, let me see't, oh let me see't, I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friends advice.

Mrs Ford.

Why Jack, Will, Robin, come take up these Cloaths here quickly, and carry them to the Buck-beaters at the Water-side, and be sure you see them well wash'd and beaten, do you hear? Sirrah, thou hast acted admirably (to the Servant) Upon my Life here's my Husband indeed.

Ford.

Never tell me, I'll do't.

Host.

But Brother—

Ford.

Folly must have due its Chastisement.

Page.

But Neighbour!—

Ford.

I'll shew you what 'tis to be a Husband indeed, Neighbour; you have no Discipline, no Authority. By Jove now, you shall see some body swing'd. I'll shew you what 'tis to be a Husband indeed. You shall see some body swing'd.

Host.

But, good Brother.

Ford.

Say no more, Brother, Folly must have its due chastisement. How now, (to the Servants) whither are you going with this?

Serv.

To the Buck-beaters, an't please you.

Mrs Ford.

Why, what have you to do whither they go with it? You had best meddle with Buck-washing.

Ford.

Buck? I wou'd I cou'd wash my self of the Buck. Buck, Buck, Buck? Ay, Buck. I warrant you Buck, and of the season too. It shall appear. Begone Rascals. (Exeunt Servants.) Stay, first let me stop this way. Now I warrant I unkennel the Fox. Ha! what art thou?

Mrs Page.

Why, what hast thou to do to enquire?

Mrs Ford.

Why, Sir, as I take it, this civil Gentlewoman is my Wife.

Mrs Page.

What, and you are jealous, I warrant? Hey! where are my Dogs there? (Enter two Servants like Souldiers) Here, lay hold upon this Fellow. Let each take hold of an Arm; what, you are Jealous, you Blockhead; take that

Mrs Ford.

Nay, Captain.

Mrs Page.

And that.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, what do you mean?

Mrs Page.

And that, you Dog?

Mrs Ford.

Why, are you mad, Captain?

Mrs Page.

You are Jealous, you Blockhead! Sirrah, your Wife's a Virtuous Wife, and a civil, obliging, sweet temper'd Creature: Take notice I say so, and let me hear no more of your suspicions.

Ford.

Very good, Gentlemen! Did not I tell you this, Gentlemen? Pray tell me what you can say to this, Gentlemen?

Page.

Why this 'tis to be a Husband indeed, Neighbour.

Host.

Brother, we have seen some body swing'd.

Page.

Neighbour, Folly must have its due Chastisement.

Ford.

Say ye so? Then I'll try a fall with your Bully yet.