Fen.

Mine Host of the Garter!

Host.

What says my Lad of Mettle?

Fent.

Did you deliver my Letter to young Mrs Page?

Host.

This very moment, my Bully Rock.

Fent.

Did you, as I desir'd you, try to engage Caius the French Doctor, who is walking yonder with the Mother and Daughter, in a private Discourse with the former, that the Daughter may have an opportunity of a moments conversation with me?

Host.

I did, my young vigorous Lover, and yonder they are walking apart, while the Daughter, do you see, is stealing this way to you.

Fent.

Very good! Yonder walks that venerable Sot Justice Shallow, with his Cousin Slender and the Welsh Priest Sir Hugh, in order to the finding out Mr Page, that they may treat of a Match between my Mistress and that Fool Slender.

Host.

The Justice is my Guest, and has told me all their Design.

Fent.

Sir Hugh has already mention'd this business to her Father, with whom he happens to have more than ordinary credit; and Page very greedily bites at the Fool, as I'm inform'd by a faithful Spy, whom I entertain in the Family.

Host.

So liberal a fist as thine is, my Bully, would make any one a faithful Rascal to thee.

Fent.

The Mother has by some means or other got an Item of Shallow's design, and out of her aversion to Squire Slender, and her inclination to Doctor Caius, who has a place at Court, designs that her Daughter this very day shall be marry'd privately to the latter.

Host.

But Woman was made for Man, and not for Beast, my Bully.

Fent.

You know Dr Caius is very cholerick, and very outrageous on a very little occasion.

Host.

Every man at thirty is a Fool or a Physician; but my Noble Esculapius, thanks be to Heaven, is both.

Fent.

Sir Hugh is as peevish as he can be for the heart of him. Now if thou wou'dst but acquaint Caius with Sir Hugh's design, and aggravate the matter with that slanderous Tongue of thine, they would infallibly go together by the Ears, and so we should gain an important point; Sir Hugh would be diverted from following Slender's business, and Doctor Caius from urging his own.

Host.

A word to the Wise, it shall be done, my Lad, I'll accost him in a Trice, and set his Hogshead in a Ferment.

Fent.

At the same time, do you see, if you happen to meet Sir John Falstaff, or his men, do all that you can to confirm them severally, in the designs we have put them upon.

Host.

I warrant you. Here she comes, my little Lad.

Fent.

Can I then have the happiness to see you at last, unkind Mrs Page!

Mrs P.

Well! Are you not the most ungrateful Man upon Earth, to upbraid me with unkindness, when I do and suffer so much for you? Have not both my Parents forbid me the very sight of you, upon pain of their mortal displeasure. And is it a small proof of my esteem for you, that I give you, in disobeying their orders?

Fent.

But have I not a greater right to you than either of your Parents can claim? Are you not mine by a Sacred Vow that was solemnly made, both in the Face of Earth and of Heav'n.

Mrs A.

The thought of that Vow distracts me.

Fent.

Oh Heavens, you repent of it then?

Mrs A

Repent of it I can never: but I must always tremble when I think of the consequence.

Fent.

How could you find in your Heart, to let me languish at Windsor three tedious days without seeing you?

Mrs A.

And can you ask? unjust Mr Fenton! Has not my Maid inform'd you, how I bave been watched perpetually? Has she not told you, how I have been pester'd both with Spiritual and Temporal Fools? Has she not acquainted you with the ridiculous motion that Sir Hugh has made to my Father?

Fent.

She has indeed, and with the noble resolution, that your Mother has assum'd upon it.

Mrs A.

What course shall I take in this afflicting extremity?

Fent.

Will you be so kind as to be advis'd by me?

Mrs A.

I have been but too apt to take your advice.

Fent.

Own the obligation which you stand in to me.

Mrs A.

I dare not.

Fent.

They want Affection, who want Resolution in these cases.

Mrs A.

Grant I should own it, what should I gain by it? It would but augment my Parents care to divide us.

Fent.

Then give me your Hand, as you have given me your Heart, and see who dares divide us.

Mrs A.

I tremble at the thought of it.

Fent.

Do you Love me?

Mrs A.

If you doubt I hate you.

Fent.

And can you tremble at the giving your Hand to the Man whom you Love, when before night you may be forc'd to give it to him whom you Hate?

Mrs A.

Oh! Name it not!

Fent.

Is the name so dreadful, and can you venture the thing, prevent it.

Mrs A.

Alas! which way? You see my Mother there, and Caius, both have their Eye upon me. Justice Shallow and Slender and Sir Hugh, are all coming up to us. And my Father yonder stands at the Gate, expecting me, if I should offer to go out of the Park with you, you are discover'd and I am undone.

Fent.

But what if the day produces an opportunity that may be more favourable to our design?

Mrs A.

'Tis impossible.

Fent.

'Tis probable, Caius and Sir Hugh within this hour will have other business to mind, which will give a diversion to your Father; and before your Mother has

digested her Dinner, she perhaps may find something to employ her, that she but little dreams of.

Mrs A.

You talk mysteriously.

Fent.

You must know that by the help of mine Host of the Garter, I have persuaded old Sir John Falstaffe, that your Mother and Mrs Ford are in Love with him, and it seems the frankness of their behaviour the last time that he happened to be in their Company, has perfectly confirmed him in that opinion.

Mrs A.

And what advantage do you pretend to draw from this?

Fent.

You know the frank and jolly temper of your Mother and Mrs Ford, and how apt they are to leave their serious affairs, for any thing that will raise their mirth. At the same time that I have put the Knight upon this by the means of mine Host, I have by the same Instrument, prevailed upon a couple of Falstaffe's men, to betray their Masters design both to Mr Ford and your Father: So that what by mirth on the Womens side, and Jealousie and Heart-burning on the mens, I pretend to give all my opposers a diversion, and carry on my own design.

Mrs A.

Why, you are really a great Politician.

Fent.

Oh Love of a Sot can make a Machiavel I have other intreagues in my Head, which I want time to tell ye; for here comes Company.

Shall.

Good morrow Master Fenton, good morrow fair Mrs Ann.

Fent.

Good morrow, Master Justice, Squire Slender good morrow.

Slend.

Save you Sir.

Shall.

Whither in such haste, Mrs Ann.

Mrs A.

Sir my Father expects me,

Shall.

We design to make you a visit anon, Mrs Page.

Mrs A.

Sir, my Father will certainly be glad to see you.

Evans.

And here is young Master Slender, that peradventure shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your liking.

Mrs A.

Sir, good morrow.

Slend.

O gemini is that Mrs Ann Page?

Evans.

Yes by St David is it; that is her that you are to take for your wedded Wife, look you.

Shall.

Look you, de you hear Coz, there is as 'twere a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here, do you understand me?

Slend.

I Sir, you shall find me reasonable, if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.

Shall.

Nay, but understand me.

Slend.

So I do Sir.

Evans.

Give ear to his motions, Mr Slender; I will description the matter to you if you be capacity of it.

Slend.

Nay, I will do as my Cousin Shallow says. I pray you pardon me; he's a Justice of Peace in his Country, simple as I stand here.

Evans.

But that is not the question, the question is concerning your Marriage.

Shall.

I, there's the point Sir?

Slend.

Why, if it he so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.

Evans.

But can you affection the oman? Let us command to know that of your Mouth or your Lips, for divers Philosophers hold that the Lips is parcel of the Mouth, therefore precisely can you marry your good will to the Maid?

Shall.

Cousin Abraham Slender can you love her?

Slend.

I hope, Sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.

Evans.

Nay, gots Lords and his Ladies you must speak positable; if you can carry your desires towards her?

Shall.

That you must, will you upon good Dowry marry her?

Slend.

I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, Cousin, in any reason.

Shall.

Nay conceive me, conceive me, sweet Coz, what I do is to pleasure you, Coz; can you love the Maid?

Slend.

I will marry her Sir at your Request, but if there be no great Love in the beginning, yet Heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are Marry'd, and have more reason to know one another. I hope upon Familiarity will grow more content: But if you say Marry her, I will Marry her, that I am freely Dissolv'd and Dissolutely.

Evans.

It is a very Discretion answer: Save the fall is in the ord dissolutely: The ort is according to our meaning resolutely.

Shall.

I, I think my Cousin meant well.

Slend.

I, or else I wou d I might be hang

Shall.

Good morrow Sir John Falstaff, good morrow.

Falst.

Good morrow, good Master Shallow, Master Slender good morrow.

Slend.

Sir, a good morning to you.

Shall.

Saw you Master Page this way, Sir John?

Falst.

He is that way Master Shallow, well shall see you soon enough at the Garter, to charge you and Master Slender with a Brimmer

Falst.

Pistol and Nym.

Pist.

We hear thee.

Falst.

My Lads, I'm almost out at Heels

Pist.

Why then let Kibes ensue.

Falst.

There is no Remedy, I must Conycatch, I must shift.

Pist.

Young Ravens must have Food.

Falst.

Which of you know Ford of this Town?

Pist.

I ken the wight, he is of substance good.

Falst.

My honest Lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pist.

Two yards and more.

Falst.

No quips now Pistol. Indeed I'm in the waste two yards about. But I am now about no waste, I'm about Thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's Wife, I spy entertainment in her, she discourses, she carves, she gives the Leer of Invitation, I have studied her behaviour and her every motion, and am vers'd in the Language and style of it, which converted into honest English, says, Sir John come lye with me.

Pist.

Well construed!

Falst.

Now the report goes, she hath all the rule of her Husbands purse, he hath a legend of Angels.

Pist.

As many Devils entertain'd, and haloo old Dragon I say.

Nym.

The humour rises, it is good, humour me the Angels.

Falst.

I have writ me here a Letter to her, and here another to Page's Wife, who even now gave me good Eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious Eye-lids, sometimes the beam of her view guilded my Foot, sometime my portly Belly.

Pist.

Then did the Sun on Dunghils shine.

Nym.

I thank thee for that humour.

Falst.

O she did so course o're my exteriors, and with such a greedy intention that her scorching eye set fire to me like a Burning Glass; here's another Letter to her: She bears the purse too, she is a Region in Guiana all Gold and Bounty, I will be Cheaters to them both, and they shall be Exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will Trade to them both, go bear thou this Letter to Mrs Page, and thou this to Mrs Ford, we will thrive—my Lads.

Pist.

Shall I Sir, Pandarus of Troy become, and by my side wear Steel, then Lucifer take all.

Nym.

I will run no base humour, here take the humour Letter again; I will keep up the haviour of reputation, I.

Falst.

Sirrah, Page.

Page.

Sir.

Falst.

Sirrah, deliver both these Letters tightly, sail like my Pinnace to these Golden Shoars. Yonder walks Mrs Page, and yonder Mrs Ford. Go Sirrah, fly, deliver both the Notes, and shew thy self the Imp whom I have educated. And as for you, you Jackalents, you Maukins, Rogues, hence Avaunt, vanish like Hailstones, go, trudge, plod away o'th hoof, seek shelter, pack. Falstaffe will learn the Honour of the Age, French thrift you Rogues my self, and skirted Page.

Page.

What without warning Knight?

Falst.

Ay, without warning, Sir.

Pist.

Lend us some Money to subsist then.

Falst.

I will not lend thee a penny.

Pist.

Why then the Worlds mine Oyster, which I with Sword will open.

Falst.

No not a penny, I have been content you shou'd lay my countenance to pawn, I have grated upon my good Friends for three Reprieves for you, and your Coachfellow Nym, or else you had look'd thro the Grate like a Gemini of Baboons. I am damn'd in Hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my Friends, you were good Souldiers and tall Fellows. And when Mrs Bridget lost the handle of her Fan, I took it upon my honour thou hadst it not.

Pist.

Didst thou not share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

Falst.

Reason, you Rogue, reason? Thinkst thou I'll endanger my Soul gratis. At a word, hang no more about me, I'm no Gibbet for you! A short knife, and a thong to your Manner of Pickt Hatch. Go! you'l not bear a Letter for me you Rogue, you stand upon your Honour! Why thou Unconfinable baseness! It is as much as I can do, to keep the term of my Honour precise. I, I, I my self sometimes leaving the Fear of Heav'n on the left Hand, and hiding mine Honour in my necessity, am fain to Shuffle, to Hedge and to Lurch; and you Rogue, will ensconce your Rags, your Cat-a-mountain looks, your red lettice Phrases, and your bold blustring Oaths, under the title of your Honour, you will not do it? You, nor you, farewel ye brace of drills you.

Pist.

Let Vultures gripe thy Guts, Tester I'll have in Pouch, when thou shalt lack, base Phrygian Turk.

Host.

Ancient Pistol and Corporeal Nym? Is not that my Knight, my Bully, Sir John, who walks there?

Pist.

A fico for thy Knight, base Recreant Paynim?

Nym.

Slice, I say, Pauca, Pauca, slice, that's my humour.

Host.

Oh, I understand thee, my roaring Boy; the Bawdy Letters I told thee of, ha Boy, go find out the Husbands, my delicate scoundrels, go wag, trot, ducuss.

Nym.

I have operations, which be humours of Revenge.

Pist.

Wilt thou revenge?

Nym.

By Welkin and her Star.

Pist.

With Wit or Steel.

Nym.
With both the humours I,
I will discuss the Humour of this Love to Ford.

Pist.
And I to Page shall strait unfold,
How Falstaffe Varlet vile,
His Love will prove, his Gold will hold,
And his soft Couch defile.

Nym.

My humour shall not cool; I will incense Ford to deal with Poison, I will possess him with yellowness, for this revolt of mine is dangerous, that is my true humour.

Host.

About it strait, my dainty Rogues, about it.

Caius.

How does do mine Host of the Jarteer!

Host.

What, my Galen, my Æsculapius, Ah ha Boy, I have been looking thee all about, I have something to impart to thee, my Lad of Science, thou sayst thou art in Love with young Mrs Page.

Caius

Begar mine Host, vid all my Arta.

Host.

Hark in thine ear! There is Treason hatching against thee, my noble Paracelsus. That Welsh Prig, Sir Hugh, has a mind to be playing the Canonical Pimp for Slender.

Caius.

Oh Diable! vat is dis dat you tell a me? Jernie I will send him de shallenge presant, I vil cut his troat in de Park here; and I vill teach a Scurvy Jackanape Priest to meddle or make;

Host.

What says my Bully Hector?

Caius.

Mine Host, I'e m'en vais a la Cour, jay la des affaires.

Host.

High destiny expects thee there.

Caius.

But in de quarter o de heure, I vill be at de Jarteer vid you; in de mean vile, see dat de Weapon be mesure, and dat de shallenge be writt a.

Host.
'Tis done, with pleasure I'll perform thy will,
For thou my Bully canst both cure and kill. Enter Mrs Ford, Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

I was coming to look you.

Mrs Page.

I was seeking for you, you look very ill to day.

Mrs Ford.

Are not you mistaken?

Mrs Page.

Sure I think not.

Mrs Ford.

Look again.

Mrs Page.

Trust me your Eyes look very languishing.

Mrs Ford.

But very killing too, Mrs Page, these languishing Eyes have done a dev'lish deal of mischief lately.

Mrs Page.

The wickeder Creature you! But where pray?

Mrs Ford.

Why you must know, Mrs Page, that the little Amorous Blind Boy taking his stand from these two Shoulders, and making use of these two Eyes, for want of his own, you must know Mrs Page—

Mrs Page.

Well! proceed.

Mrs Ford.

Why by their help, Mrs Page, as dim as they are, the dextrous young Dog has drawn such a Bow, that he has mawl'd a Gyant.

Mrs Page.

The Devil he has.

Mrs Ford.

Shot him to the Heart, thro three inches upon the Ribs, i'faith Mrs Page.

Mrs Page.

So, you have got a Gallant then.

Mrs Ford.

But such a Gallant—

Mrs Page.
Nay, I'd have you to know, I have not been behind with you.
I have done execution too, and upon the greatest Man in the Kingdom.

Mrs Ford.

Ay, for Title perhaps, but for substance none can be compar'd to mine.

Mrs Page.

Do you think so? But 'twould make your Heart ake tho, to carry but half the substance of my Gallant.

Mrs Ford.

Will you persist in comparing your Lover to mine; there's to convince you.

Mrs Page.

Well! And there's my argument!

Mrs Ford.

Hey day! you have given me my own Letter again.

Mrs Page.

In troth, I think I have, prithee exchange.

Mrs Ford.

Mercy upon me!

Mrs Page.

Bless me! The very same still.

Mrs Ford.

Prithee now read, Mrs Page.

Mrs Page. Reads.

Ask me no reason why I love you, for tho Love uses reason for his Presiican, he admits him not for his Counsellor: You are not young, no more am I, go to then there's Sympathy, you are merry, so am I, Ha, ha, there's more Sympathy, you love Sack, and so do I, would you desire better Sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mrs Ford, at least if the Love of a Souldier can suffice, that I love thee, I will not say pity me, 'tis not a Souldier-like Phrase; but I say Love me, by me thine own true Knight, by day or night, or any kind of light, with all his might, for thee to fight,

John Falstaffe.

Mrs Ford.
Why this is the very same.
The very Hand, the very Words.

Mrs Page.

What a Herod of Jury 'tis? Why were the Flesh and the Devil ever so match'd before? I warrant he has a hundred of these Letters writ with blank spaces for different names, he will print them no doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the Press, when he would put us two there. I had rather be a Gyantess, and lye under Mount Pelion. Well. I will find you twenty lascivious Turtles e're one chaste man. Why, what does he take us for?

Mrs Ford.

For Foul-feeders I'm sure, these Letters are not only Libels upon our inclinations, but upon our circumstances too: Sure he thinks our necessities must be very pressing, when he believes we can have an appetite to old Bull-beef.

Mrs Page.

Have I scap'd Love Letters in the Spring and Bloom of my Beauty, to be a subject for them at this time a day, can my Eyes make Lovers with their declining Rays, as the Sun breeds Flies in Autumn.

Mrs Ford.

You make large Flies Mrs Page, Sir John is neither a Fly nor a Fowl, he's none of your Volatils, he, what Tempest I tro, threw this Whale with so

many Tunns of Oil in his Belly ashoar at Windsor? What shall we do with him?

Mrs Page.

E'en what you will.

Mrs Ford.

Let's comply with him then.

Mrs Page.

You Jest sure.

Mrs Ford.

Yes, we'll comply with him in jest, to be reveng'd in earnest, entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of Lust has melted him in his own grease, yet let our very revenge be merry.

Mrs Page.

But wise? Oh that our Husbands did but know of these two Letters.

Mrs Ford.

Why it would make thine merry and mine mad, now will I make a treble use of what has happened. I will reclaim my Husband from his extravagant jealousie, my management shall be a Satyr upon those vain Fellows, who scandalously interpret a Womans innocent freedom, and I will take care that my Nephew shall stalk under this fat Beast, till he arrives at your Daughter.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford, never think of it.

Mrs Ford.

Not think of it!

Mrs Page.

Both my Husband and I are mortally averse from it.

Mrs Ford.

You had as good bid your Daughter never think of it, and I am sure she never thinks of any thing else.

Mrs Page.

I'll keep her under Lock and Key then.

Mrs Ford.

Well come, come, you and I will have no quarrel upon this account. Let every one marry their Children to their own liking; but at the same time I will do my Kinsman underhand all the service I can, yet why should you pitch upon Slender, Nature methinks has taken too much care of her, to have her thrown a way on a Fool.

Mrs Page.

I design no such thing, I have a better Husband for her; but look here comes our Husbands, let us away, and talk more of the affront has been put upon us, and of our Revenge.

Ford.

Well! I hope it is not so.

Pist.

Hope is a curtal Dog in some affairs, Sir John affects thy Wife.

Ford.

Why Sir, my Wife is not young.

Pist.
He courts both high and low, both Rich and Poor,
Beldam and Virgin are alike his prey,
He loves thy gallymawfrey, Ford, perpend.

Ford.

Love my Wife.

Pist.

With Liver burning hot, prevent, or go thou, Sir, Acteon like, with Ringwood at thy Heels.

Ford.

Ha!

Pist

O! Odious is the name.

Ford

What name?

Pist

The Horn I say, Farewel.

Ford.

A pox consume his Bones first!

Pist

Take heed, have open Eye, for Thieves do foot by night; take heed e're Summer comes, or Cuckoo Birds do sing. Away Sir Corporal.

Nym.

Believe it, Page, he speaks sense.

Ford.

The Devil he does, (to himself) Ha! A Thought comes into my head— 'Sdeath! There must be something in this. Ha, ha, Mrs 5ord!

Nym.

Believe it, this is true. I should have brought the Humour'd Letter to

her, but I have a Sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your Wife, that is the short and the long. Ny name is Corporal Nym, I speak it and avouch it. My name is Nym, and Falstaffe loves your Wife. Adieu; I love not the humour of Bread and Cheese.