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John Dennis [1702], The Comical Gallant: or the Amours of Sir John Falstaffe. A comedy. As it is Acted at the Theatre Royal in Drury-lane. By his Majesty's Servants. By Mr Dennis. To which is added, A large Account of the Taste in Poetry, and the Causes of the Degeneracy of it (Printed and Sold by A. Baldwin [etc.], London) [word count] [S33900].
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The Comical Gallant note Introductory matter

To the Honourable GEORGE GRANVILLE, Esq;.

SIR,

I Know that a great many Persons in the World would take it for an affront, to have a Play addressed to them, which had been unfortunate in the Representation. But you, Sir, have discernment enough to be of another opinion; for a Poet, who Dedicates a Play that has not been successful, will, if he takes care of his Reputation, choose a powerful Patron, who is every way qualified to defend it. One who is generous enough to support whatever he can justly excuse, and who with a piercing Eye can reach to his Beauties, while others stop at his Faults.

When I first communicated the design which I had of altering this Comedy of Shakespear, I found that I should have two sorts of People to deal with, who would equally endeavour to obstruct my success. The one believed it to be so admirable, that nothing ought to be added to it; the others fancied it to be so despicable, that any ones time would be lost upon it.

That this Comedy was not despicable, I guess'd for several Reasons: First, I knew very well, that it had pleas'd one of the greatest Queens that ever was in the World, great not only for her Wisdom in the Arts of Government, but for her knowledge of Polite Learning, and her nice taste of the Drama, for such a taste we may be sure she had, by the relish which she had of the Ancients. This Comedy was written at her Command, and by her direction, and she was so eager to see it Acted, that she commanded it to be finished in fourteen days; and was afterwards, as Tradition tells us, very well pleas'd at the Representation. In the second place, in the Reign of King Charles the Second, when People had an admirable taste of Comedy, all those men of extraordinary parts, who were the Ornaments of that Court; as the late Duke of Buckingham, my Lord Normandy, my Lord Dorset, my late Lord Rochester, Sir Charles Sidley, Dr Frazer, Mr Savil, Mr Buckley, were in Love with the Beauties of this Comedy. In the third place, I thought that after so long an acquaintance as I had with the best Comick Poets, among the Antients and Moderns, I might depend in some measure upon my own Judgment, and I thought I found here three or four extraordinary Characters, that were exactly drawn, and truly Comical; and that I saw besides in it some as happy touches as ever were in Comedy: Besides I had observed what success the Character of Falstaffe had had, in the first part of Harry the Fourth. And as the Falstaffe in the Merry Wives is certainly superiour to that of the second part of Harry the Fourth, so it can hardly be said to be inferior to that of the first.

For in the second part of Harry the Fourth, Falstaffe does nothing but talk, as indeed he does nothing else in the third and fourth Acts of the first part. Whereas in the Merry Wives, he every where Acts, and that action is more Regular, and more in compass than it

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is in the first part of Harry the Fourth. 'Tis true, what he says in Harry the Fourth is admirable; but action at last is the business of the Stage. The Drama is action itself, and it is action alone that is able to excite in any extraordinary manner the curiosity of mankind. What News, is the Question now adays ev'ry moment, but people by that question demand what is done, and not what is said upon the Great Stage of the World. In short, I defie any man to name me a Play that has ever succeeded without some sort of action or another. But I could if I pleased mention more than one, that has succeeded barely by the force of Action, without almost any thing else.

It was for the above-named reasons, that I thought this by no means a despicable Comedy. And it was for the Reasons which follow, that I believed it not so admirable, but that it might receive improvement. First, I knew very well. that in so short a time as this Play was writ, nothing could be done that is perfect. Secondly, I knew very well, that this Comedy had never upon Revivals had any great success, and that particularly when it was Revived in King Charles the Seconds time, the only Character that pleased to a height was Slender acted by Wintershal. And that tho something like this may very well happen to a living Author without any just Cause, yet that there must be reason for it, when it happens to an Author has a long time been dead, and whose Reputation has been long established. And indeed the Merry Wives of Windsor, as it has great Beauties, so it has strange Defects, which tho they past at first for the sake of the Beauties, yet will come to be less endured as the Stage grows more Regular. For there are no less than three Actions in it that are independent one of another, which divide and distract the minds of an Audience, there is more than one insignificant Scene, which has nothing to do with any other part of the Play, which is enough to obstruct and stifle the Action. The Style in some places is stiff and forced and affected, whereas the Dialogue in Comedy ought to be as free as the air. This affectation is particularly remarkable in some part of the first Scene between the Wives, and in all Ford's part of the first Scene between him and Falstaffe. This is not said in the least with a design to derogate from Shakespear's merit, who performed more than any one else could have done in so short a time. In the alteration I have endeavoured to Correct the foresaid Errours.

I have made every thing Instrumental to Fenton's Marriage, and the whole to depend on one common Center, which I believe was hardly in the power of every Writer to perform. I have added to some of the parts in order to heighten the Characters, and make them show the better. I have above all things endeavoured to make the Dialogue as easie and free as I could. For in Comedy, which is an Image of common Life, every thing which is forc'd is abominable. In short, I have alter'd every thing which I dislik'd, and retain'd every thing which I or my Friends approved of, excepting something of Justice Shallow in the first Scene of the Play, which I omitted for two Reasons, the one was because I could not bring it into the same design with the rest, the second because I knew no body who would be capable of Acting that Character, unless those who would be otherwise employed.

Thus, Sir, I have endeavoured to convey two things by you to the General Reader, the one, that this Comedy is not so Despicable as to be Incapable of Improvement; the other, that it is not so admirable, as not to stand in need of any. Whether, Sir, I have improv'd it or no I leave it to you to determine, whether the Scene between the Wives in the first Act be altered for the better or the worse, whether that between Falstaffe and Ford in the second Act is aptly contriv'd to give occasion to an excellent Actor to shew himself; whether that between Falstaffe and the Wives in the third Act be wholly without art, and whether that between Falstaffe and Ford in the fourth Act, may be said to be truly Comical.

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But before it comes to that, Sir, I who am resolved to have you fully informed before you come to give sentence, and who am ignorant whether you were in Town when this Play was Acted or no, think my self obliged to make you acquainted, that Falstaffe's part, which you know to be the principal one of the Play, and that on which all the rest depends, was by no means acted to the satisfaction of the Audience, upon which several fell from disliking the Action to disapproving the Play, which will be always very natural upon such occasions, tho sometimes not very reasonable, and divers objections were immediately made, which if the Play had succeeded, had perhaps never been thought of. I desire that you would give me leave to lay them and their answers before you, and so leave the whole to your impartial decision.

The first is, that the Characters in this Comedy are very low, and that there is neither much Wit, nor Love nor Gallantry in it. To which I answer first, that tho the Characters are low they are true and good, that there is as perfect a Plot as I was able to build upon another mans Foundation; and that the lowness of the Characters derogates not a jot from the perfection of the Fable; that in all Fables all Characters are Universal and Allegorical, and that it signifies nothing to the Beauty of the Fiction, or the importance of the Moral, whether we bring in Kings or Shepherds, so they are introduced aptly. In the next place, there is Humour every where in this Comedy. And Humour after the Plot is what is most valuable in Comedy. I desire then, Sir, that I may have leave to prove two things: First, that Humour is more the business of Comedy than Wit: And secondly, that Humour is more to be found in low Characters, than among Persons of a higher Rank, and consequently that low Characters are more proper for Comedy than high, and that low Comedy is to be preferred to the high. And when I have done this, I desire to speak a word of Love and Gallantry, of the want of which this Play is accus'd.

First then, Humour is the business in Comedy, and not Wit. The business of a Comick Poet is to shew his Characters and not himself, to make ev'ry one of them speak and act, as such a person in such circumstances would probably act and speak. Comedy, is an Image of common Life, and in Life, a Man, who has discerning Eyes, may find something ridiculous in most People, but something that is witty in very few. And a Comick Poet may be certain of this, that the grossest touches which are in nature, will please the men of sense, more than the most delicate strokes which are out of it. Now that which is truly ridiculous in any man is chiefly Humour, or the effect of Humour. It is plain too for the following Reasons, that Humour is more proper for Comedy than Wit. First, because it is harder to write, for the writing Wit is the effect of the Fancy, and the writing Humour the work of the Judgment. 'Tis observation alone that can qualify a man for it, and observation is the business of the Judgment. Now tho a fine Imagination is to be met with in few, Judgment is to be found in fewer. Humour then is harder to be Written than Wit, and that which in any kind of Writing is the hard'st to be attaind, makes the principal Beauty of that kind of Writing: But secondly Humour is more proper for Comedy than Wit; because it gives a necessary occasion for Action, which Wit does not, and Action after all is the very Life and Soul of the Theatre. Now that Humour gives a necessary occasion for Action is plain, because Humour is Passion, as I have shewn in another place, * note and nothing but Action is able to express Passion, as nothing but Passion can give an occasion for Action: But thirdly, Humour in Comedy is to be preferr'd to Wit, because is distinguishes the Characters better. For Wit very often destroys and confounds them, where as Humour if it be true and good must always maintain and preserve them, as we shall prove more evidently, when we come to shew that Humour is chiefly to be found in low Characters, and therefore since Humour distinguishes the Characters, it must be always agreeable to men of Sense, whereas Wit must be often shocking and nauseous to them, because it destroys and confounds the Characters, which

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is a fourth reason for giving Humour the preference; because it is plain that what is always agreeable in any kind of Writing must be preferable to that which is sometimes shocking. But fifthly and lastly, if Comedy is Poetry, 'tis Humour chiefly which makes it so, for that which Characteristically distinguishes Poetry from Prose is Passion, as I have prov'd in another place, * note and Humour is subordinate Passion. You know very well, Sir, that what I have said here is exactly agreeable to the sentiments of a great † note Critick, who speaking of Comedy tells us.


  A fault which often does befal,
Is when the Wit of some great Poet shall
So overflow, that is be none at all;
That all his Fools speak sense, as if possest,
And each by Inspiration breaks his jest.
If once the Justness of each part be lost;
Well we may laugh, but at the Poets cost.

How fine an observation is this, Sir? For the different Characters in Comedy, like the several parts in Musick, make up the consort of the Play, and as soon as one Character says any thing which does not belong to it, there is a string which is out of Tune, and the Harmony of the whole is destroy'd. But that Noble Critick goes on.


That silly thing men call sheer Wit avoid,
With which our Age so nauseously is cloy'd;
Humour is all, Wit should be only brought
To turn agreeably some proper thought.

Thus, Sir, having shewn that Humour is more properly the business of Comedy than Wit, I come now to shew in the second place, that Humour is chiefly to be found in the lower sort of People. For Reason in one Man is the same with Reason in another man, excepting the differences of more or less. But Passion and Humour, which is a sort of Passion, are very different according to their different subjects in their kinds, as well as their degrees. For every man shews his Anger and his Joy, his Peevishness and his Jollity a different way from another. Reason is a calm and quiet thing, and has nothing to do with the Body, only Passion and Humour can reach the Body, and by the influence which they have upon the voice, and the Gestures, sensibly distinguish one Character from another. So that 'tis Passion and Humour which is subordinate Passion, which distinguish Man from Man. Now the more education a Man has, the more he is capable of subduing, or at least of hiding his Passions and his Humours. And that which we call good Breeding, is, or should be nothing else but a Habit and Custom of doing things, which reasn has dictated for the convenience, and ease, and good of Society. From which it follows, that among People of condition, there is more Resemblance, and a greater appearance of Reason. And 'tis among People of the lower sort, that by the means of Passion and Humour, Nature appears so admirably conspicuous in all her Charming diversities: Since therefore Humour is the chief business in comedy after the Fable, and Humour is more to be found among those of the lower sort, than among those of a higher Rank, it is very plain that low Characters are more proper for Comedy than high ones, and that low Comedy is to be preferred to the high.

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Not but that high Characters are very good sometimes for the sake of variety, and consequently Wit is very good, when it is so writ, that it falls within the compass of the Characters which speak it. But by Wit here I by no means intend point, the excess of which is always despicable, but such fine Observation and fine Satyras my Lord Normanby means, and as is to be found in Mr Wycherley's Writings, who since he comes in my way, must have justice done him; and be allowed to be almost the only person, who has given the World a Master-piece, in which a great deal of Humour is shewn in high Characters. But that is not to be done every day; and we are treating here of such Comedy as is usually writ. But to return from whence we digress'd. As Wit in Comedy, where it is proper, is very good and diverting, so is Gallantry and Courtly Love, for it is now time to speak a word of them too; but Humour is to be preferr'd before either of them, and for most of the very same Reasons, for which it is to be preferred before Wit. For Humour is harder to write than Love; because every body has something of Love in him, and is help'd writing it, by the present influence which that Passion has upon him; whereas writing Humour must be chiefly the effect of his past observation. But secondly, Humour distinguishes the Characters better, and gives an occasion for a greater variety of Action. For tho the Love of one man must be allow'd to be very different from the Love of another man, yet Love is but a single Passion, and Humour comprehends them all. Forto every Passion there is a Humour which answers to it, which Humour is nothing but a less degree of that Passion. As for example, Anger is a Passion, Peevishness and Moroseness are Humours, Joy when it is great is a Passion, Jollity and Gayéty perhaps may be said to be Humours, so that if any man asks for a description of Humour, I answer that 'tis the expression of some subordinate Passion. But if he asks for a full definition of it, by which we may distinguish Humour in one man from Humour in another man; I answer that Humour is subordinate Passion expressed in a particular manner. Fear is a Passion, Timerousness is a Humour. Now since Humour comprehends all Passions, it must have infinitely more variety than a single Passion.

But further, without the Ridiculum Comedy cannot subsist, for the design of Comedy is to amend the follies of Mankind, by exposing them. But the Ridiculum is a great deal more to be found in Humour, than it is in Love. For Love is so agreeable in its own nature, that it can never be made to appear Ridiculous, unless it is joyned with an Humour. Besides, Humour, if it is well writ, is always both delightful and instructive, it entertains and does good at the same time; whereas Love is very often agreeable without being instructive; nay, it very often gives a pernicious pleasure. For after all, it is a very great error in some Persons at present, to be so shy of Bawdy, and so fond of Love. For Obscenity cannot be very dangerous, because it is rude and shocking; but Love is a Passion; which is so agreeable to the movements of corrupted Nature, that by seeing it livelily touched and often represented, an Amorous disposition insensibly insinuates itself into the chastest Breast. Now as the design of every Art is to instruct and delight, it must be the design of Comedy; and therefore Humour which always both instructs and delights, must be more proper for Comedy than Love, which sometimes only barely delights, and sometimes is so far from instructing, that it insensibly corrupts an Audience.

After all, I was so willing to comply with Custom, that this Play has more of Love in it than the Original Comedy. But I desire People to consider, that Moliere got a great deal of Reputation in France by Comedies, in which there is very little or no Love, and that by those Comedies be very agreeably entertain'd the finest Ladies of the Court of France; that Madam de Montausier highly approved of the Precieuses Ridicules, tho there was not one jot of Love in it, that those Ladies were too proud to be thought to have Souls that were incapable of being pleased

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with an exact Imitation of Nature, tho that Imitation had nothing in it of the business to which they were bred; that those Persons who are for nothing but perpetual Love in our Plays, would do well to consider, whether they do not give others an occasion to think, that this error in them, proceeds either from the narrowness of their capacities, or the corruptness of their desires; that Humour, which was a diversion to Queen Elizabeth, and the Ladies of the Court of France, may not be thought a very improper one, for the most delicate Persons of the present Age; that Shakespear had little Love in the very best of his Plays, and Johnson less in his, and yet that this last was one of the best Comick Poets that ever was in the World; that he was so sensible, that the Ridiculum was the chief thing in Comedy, that he has always in his chief Comedies joyn'd his Love with Humour, and so made it ridiculous.

Another Objection is, that several Characters of this Comedy are obsolete and quite out of date. The matter of Fact indeed cannot be denied, and the Objection has some force. For if there is any thing resembling in Poetry and Painting, as the Sisters are certainly like, then Heroick and Tragick Poetry may be compar'd to History Painting; and Comedy, to Drawing after the Life. Now the Pictures which are done after the Life, if they are drawn by Masters, will certainly please Masters, and all who are able to judge of the boldness and the delicacy of the strokes; but the People who judge only of the resemblance, are most delighted with the Pictures of their acquaintance. Thus any Characters in Comedy, which are finely drawn, will please those who can judge; but a Poet to please the generality, must Copy the present Age. Thus, Sir, have I fairly stated the objection in its utmost force; and now I shall answer two things to it, first, that I never made it my chief aim to please the generality, and a little lower shall give my Reasons for it. Secondly, that supposing I had, tho several of the Characters of this Play are indeed obsolete, yet that of Falstaffe will always be new, and whenever it comes to be Acted to the satisfaction of an Audience, will infallibly fill the Stage better than a great many Characters.

These, Sir, are the two general Objections, but there are two particular ones. The first is, that I have introduc'd an unncessary Character in the Host of the Bull. But I believe, Sir, that I have consider'd of this matter with little more attention than they who made the Objection, and I know, that that Character is absolutely necessary for the carrying on the Action probably, which in the original Play is by no means probable. For it is not likely, that Falstaffe would suffer himself to be carried in the Basket, as far as Datchet Mead, which is half a Mile from Windsor; and it is plain, that they could not carry him, if he made any resistance. Nor is it likely, that he would defer his reflections upon his adventure, till he came back to Windsor. So that the Soliloquies which he makes in the fourth Act before Ford's entrance, are not design'd for himself, but apparently address'd to the Audience, which is the greatest fault that can possibly be in the Drama.

The last Objection is, that the forementioned Scene in the fourth Act, which is very long, is nothing but a discovery of what the Audience had been Eye-Witnesses of before. But this objection is unreasonable with Relation to the original Play, and more unreasonable with Relation to the altered one. For in the original Play, Falstaffe makes a Relation to Ford not so much of his being put into the Buck Basket, as of the circumstances which attended it; of what he suffer'd while he was in it, and upon his coming out of it. And in this lyes the excellency of that Scene, that it gives an occasion for a great Actor to shew himself. For all the while Falstaffe is making this Relation, Ford at the same time, that in dumb acting, he shows a concern, and a fellow-feeling to the Knight, shews a great deal of Joy and Satisfaction to the Audience.

Thus in the original Scene Falstaffe makes a relation of what had happened to him, since

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he left the Stage last, and that Relation must be Comical, by Reason of the occasion that it gives for an excellent Actor to shew himself. But for the Alter'd Scene there is something more to be said. For after that Falstaffe has rais'd Ford's for the others disappointment, which yet he was forced to screen and shelter from the Knight with a dissembled sorrow, Falstaffe by making discovery of something which had not happened, and strangely altering the Adventure of Mrs Page, which he thought himself obliged to do for the sake of his Credit, gives his jealous Coxcomb a fresh alarm, and throws him into real Convulsions.

Thus, Sir, have I laid before you the objections and the answers to them, and leave it to you to judge, whether the last are satisfactory, and whether the first had ever been made, if the Play had succeeded on the Stage; for you know, Sir, that Plays are like Men, the successful are sure to find Friends enough, let them be never so worthless, while ev'ry Maggot will be censuring the conduct of the deserving unfortunate. For so fantastick a composition is Man, that tho of all the Creatures which the Sun illuminates, he is at once the vainest and most miserable, at the same time so vain and so miserable, that Nature seems to have given him Vanity as a support, and a counterballance for Misery; yet he is often so very unthinking, and so foolishly severe against himself, as to affirm that there can be no Merit, where there is no Success.

Thus Fortune enslaves ev'n the Souls of men to opinion; but she has never been able to reach yours. You have been so far from thinking the better of others for their enjoying her, that you have yourself refused her favours, and disdained the allurements of a Mistress, in whom you would have so many worthless persons your Rivals. You look upon things as you see them yourself, and not as the World mistakes them. You know that success can at the best but illustrate merit, and that it never gives it. That good Sence like Virtue is not always prosperous at first, while Folly like Vice triumphs. That it is unreasonable to believe that any thing that is writ, should be better for succeeding, any more than any thing that is done. That if an Action may succeed because it is base and villanous, a Play may well be supposed to take because it is very foolish.

But that as an action that pleases good men, must be in itself good, the Play must certainly be well writ, which pleases those who have taste. That as the action which pleases none but Villains, must in itself be horribly villainous, the Play which satisfies only those persons who are not able to judge, must in itself be extreamly ridiculous.

In short, Sir, that you might always pass a true judgment on the productions of the mind, you have Religiously observed the beautiful directions of a Modern Critick. note From hence it comes that you have neither shown an unjust aversion for the Living, nor a fantastick veneration for the Dead, that you reject what's trifling in the last, while you esteem what's valuable in the first. That as Novelty has no allurements for you, you have no aversion for that, but embrace or reject the works of an Author according to their real merit, and the Impression which they ought truly to make upon you; and that your decisions are as just and reasonable, and as free from whimsey as they are impartial.

To conclude that a Play is good because Mr Granville is pleased by it, is but a reasonable way of arguing. But to say, that it is good because it pleases the generality of an Audience is a very absurd one. For ev'ry man has, and will have his different pleasure. Wise men will be sure to be pleased with things that are wise, and Fools will be inclined to be pleased with things that are foolish. Montagn was pleased with playing with his Cat; but at the same time he does her and himself the Justice to believe she thought him an Ass for it. Would to Heaven that some part of our Audiences were but as just as the Frenchman, and some part of our Authors but as reasonable as the Beast. Before a Play can be concluded to be good it pleases, we ought to consider who are pleased by it, they who understand, or they who do not. They who understand? Alas, they are but few, and are seldom pleas'd

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there of late. They who do not? That methinks is odd. Suppose a man should tell an Author he never so much as heard of his Play, and should the very moment following tell him he liked it. Would he be satisfied with this approbation? Would he not he really mortified at it? Now ev'ry one who talks like an Ass tells the World, tho against his will, that he does not understand one word of a Play; and is not he whose never heard a word of a Cause as justly qualified to determine it, as he who never understood a word of it.

'Tis for this Reason, Sir, that when-ever I write make it my business to please such men as you are. As very well knowing that whatever is writ has its immediate success from Fortune, but its lasting one from Art and Nature. That the People are always uncertain and fluctuating, and guided by Opinion, and not by Judgment, that the surest way to arrive at Reputation, is to please the knowing few, for that they at last must draw in the multitude, but are never to be drawn in by them.

I have been already tedious, or it would be an easie matter to shew, that they who in all Ages have appeared at once good Poets and good Criticks have writ to a few Persons, I mean to a few at present. For he who writes to the many at present writes only to them, and his works are sure never to survive their admirers; but he who writes to the knowing few at present, writes to the Race of mankind in all succeeding ages. But I am glad that this is addrest to a Gentleman, who needs only be put in mind of this, who is perfectly well acquainted with Horace and Boileau, and who has often read the Satyrs and the Epistles of both; and who consequently is able to inform others, that those two celebrated Poets directed their writings to the knowing few, and were neither exalted by the approbation, nor dejected by the censure of the rest, and that by such a proceeding they came to please universally: That some of the most agreeable parts of those Satyrs and those Epistles, are those in which they laugh at the taste of the Vulgar, and that among the vulgar they reckoned not only a great many who were distinguished by their Rank from others, but several whom the World called Wits and Poets; and that they had a greater Contempt for those Wits and Poets, than they had for any sort of People whatever, unless for those who admired them.


  Ainsi qu'en sots Auteurs
Nostre siecle est fertile en sots admirateurs
noteEt sans ceux qui fournit la ville et la Province
Il en est chez le Duc, Il en est chez le prince
L'ouvrage le plus plat, a chez les courtesans
De tout temps recontrez des Zeles partisans,
Et pour sinir enfin par un trait de Satyre
Un sot trouve to ujours un plus sot qui l'admire
As th'Age produces shoals of scribbling Fools,
'Tis full as fertile in admiring Tools;
Besides whole swarms in Country and in Town,
Versailles has some of Lustre and Renown.
Th'Absurdest Ass that e're made Reader sport,
Has in all times found zealous Friends at Court,
No scribbling Fool so much a Fool can be,
But finds to admire him greater Sots than he.

They were perfectly satisfied that your ills Poets, and your Would-be-Wits have in all ages been the most undiscerning and most unjudicious absurd People upon Earth even in their own business. That it is not Wit, but Reason and Judgment, which diginguish a man of Sense from a Fool. That as nothing but Reason distinguishes Man from Beast, he who in his writings frequently shocks Reason infallibly shews himself an Ass; and that tho he may impose upon Fools for a time, by a wretched glimmering of Fancy, and a contemptible clink of Verse

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as Woodcocks and Widgeons are caught by a lowd Bell and by a greasie Light, yet whenever he comes to write in Prose, where Reason is plainly to appear, he plainly appears to have none.

I could have said a great deal to have shewn, that the most judicious of the Ancient Romans, and the Modern French have been out of Humour with the taste of the People, if I had no writ to a Gentleman, who is perfectly satisfied about the matter. But now, if Horace was justly out of Humour with the taste of the Roman People in the time of Augustus Cæsar, I believe no reasonable man will wonder if an English Writer is dissatisfied with the taste of the English at this present conjuncture. For you know very well, Sir, that let us flatter ourselves as long as we please, there is no manner of comparison between the Roman People and ours. And the English were never sunk so miserably low in their taste, as they are at present. If then the advice that Horace gave in the tenth Satyr of the first Book was good at that time, when directed to Roman Authors,


  Neque te ut miretur Turba labores
Contentus paucis lectoribus.

It certainly must be much better now, when address'd to our English Writers. I will not now pretend to determine whether the general taste of England ever was good or no. This we know very well, that several Plays have been indifferently received at first, which have succeeded very well afterwards. The only Play that ever Mr Cowley writ, was barbarously treated the first night, as the late Mr Dryden has more than once informed me, who has told me that he went to see it with the famous Mr Sprat, now Bishop of Rochester, and that after the Play was done, they both made a visit to Mr Cowley, whom the Death of his Brother had obliged to keep the House, and that Mr Cowley received the news of his ill success, not with so much firmness, as might have been expected from so great a man.

But to return from whence I digressed, She wou'd if she cou'd met with no better usage from the People at first, tho at the same time it was esteem'd by the Men of Sense, for the trueness of some of its Characters, and the purity and freeness and easie grace of its Dialogue, I need not say, that both those Plays have been since acted with a general applause; and it wou'd be as needless to shew on the other side, that a thousand Plays which were extravagantly applauded at first, are now sunk to the very last degree of Contempt.

But, Sir, whether the general taste of England ever was good or no, this I think cannot be controverted, that the taste of England for Comedy, which ought to be the thing in question now, was certainly much better in the Reign of King Charles the Second, than it is at present. For it was then extreamly good, and is now excessively bad. The occasion, Sir, is fair, and nothing in this sort of Criticism could be more curious or more important than to enquire into the causes of this degeneracy of taste. Notwithstanding that I have already detained you too long, I flatter myself so far as to fancy, that the handling a Subject so very new, may prove entertaining to you, and therefore I will venture to treat of it.

Give me leave then, Sir, to lay down the following Maxims, as things that are self-evident, and require no proof.

First, That then there is among any People a good taste for Comedy, when a very considerable part of an Audience are qualified to judge for themselves, and when they who are not qualified to judge for themselves, are influenced by the authority of those who are rightly qualified. Secondly, that then there is among any People a bad taste for Comedy, when very few of an Audience are qualify'd to judge for themselves, and when the rest are influenced by the authority of those who are not rightly qualified.

And now having laid down these two Maxims, I shall shew as briefly as I can,

First, That in the Reign of King Charles the Second, a considerable part of an Audience were qualified to judge for themselves, and that they who were not qualified, were influenced by the authority of those who were.

-- --

Secondly, That in the present Reign a very inconsiderable part of an Audience are qualified to judge for themselves, and that the rest are not influenced by the authority of those, who are rightly qualified; but in order to the doing this, it will be requisite to declare what qualifications are necessary for the judging of Comedy.

This, I think, Sir, need not be disputed, that for the judging of any sort of Writings, those talents are in some measure requisite, which were necessary to produce them. As for example, there are two things absolutely required for the succeeding in Polemical Divinity; the one is a reasonable Head, and the second an acquaintance with the Scriptures, Fathers and Councils; and it is plain, that a proportionable share of Reason, and an acquaintance with the same Learning, art absolutely necessary to judge of the goodness or badness of such controversies. Now there are three things required for the succeeding in Poetry. 1. Great parts. 2. A generous Education. 3. A due Application.

First, There are required great Parts. I suppose, Sir, this need not be proved, because it has been sufficiently proved by experience. For whenever a good Poet has laid aside Poetry for any other employment, he has seldom failed of succeeding in that employment, tho it has been of never so great importance; but here by great parts is meant chiefly a lively, and a warm, and a strong imagination, and a solid and piercing judgment; for the production of a Reasonable Creature, must derive its chief advantage from Reason, which gave occasion for that precept of Boileau in the first Canto of his Art of Poetry.


Aimez donc la Raison que tou jours vos Ecrits
Empruntent d'elle feule et leur lustre et leur prix.

But Secondly, for the succeeding in Comedy, there is required a generous Education, which comprehends; 1. Learning. 2. A knowledge of Mankind and the World. 1. Learning, for tho it may be pretended, that some have succeeded in Comedy, without the least knowledge of the Learned Languages; yet here by Learning I mean the knowledge of things, and not that of words, which knowledge is absolutely necessary, because the ultimate end of Comedy is to instruct, and to instruct all: and it is impossible that the Learned should be instructed by the Ignorant. But secondly, a knowledge of the World and of Mankind, are necessary for succeeding in Comedy. For since Comedy is drawing after the Life, and a Comick Poet is obliged to Copy the Age to which he writes, how should he possibly draw them like, without knowing the persons.

But the third thing requisite for the succeeding in Comedy is a due Application, and that likewise includes two things, the one of which is Leisure, and the other Serenity. First, Leisure, for Poetry is of that Dignity, that it requires the whole man. And never any man writ any thing that was admirable, who had any avocations at the time that he writ it. But secondly, to succeed in Comedy requires Serenity. For a Comick Poet is obliged to put off himself, and transform himself into his several Characters; to enter into the Foibles of his several persons, and all the Recesses and secret turns of their minds, and to make their Passions, their Interests, and their Concern his own. Now how should he possibly do this, unless he is absolutely free, and undisturbed by tormenting Passions, which bind him, as it were, and if I may use that expression, chain him fast to himself.

But now, as Parts, Education and Application are necessary to succeed in the writing Poetry, they are requisite in some degree for the forming a true judgment of it. No man can judge of a Beautiful imagination in another, without some degree of it in himself. And as for the judging rightly of any thing without Judgment, that is a contradiction in terms. And if Philosophy and a knowledge of the World are necessary to a Comick Poet, for his forming his Characters: if an acquaintance with the best Authors among the Antient and Moderns, be requisite for the attaining the Vivacity and Grace of the Dialogue; why, then for the forming a true judgment of these, the same Learning and the same Experience are necessary. And lastly, if a Poet had need to have his mind

-- --

free, that he may the more throughly enter into the concerns of the Theatre, and put on the Passions and Humours of his different Characters, so as to make them by turns his own; why the Spectator, that he may judge whether the Author does this or no, must enter into those Passions and Humours in some proportionable degree, and consequently ought to have his mind free from all avocations of Business, and from all real vexatious Passions.

Having premis'd all this, we shall now come to shew: First, that in the Reign of King Charles the Second, a considerable part of an Audience had those Parts, that Education and that Application, which were requisit for the judging of Poetry, and that they who had not, were influenced by the authority of those who had; and Secondly, that in the present Reign very few in an Audience have the forementioned qualifications; and that those who have them not, have not the advantage to be influenced by the authority of those who have.

First then, in the Reign of King Charles the Second, a considerable part of an Audience had those parts, which were requisite for the judging of Comedy. And we have shewn above that those parts comprehend principally a fine Imagination and a sound Judgment. Well, but says an Objector; Are not the Imaginations and Judgments of Mankind the same that they were then, or is Humane Nature decay'd since the Reign of Charles the Second? To which I answer, That the capacity of imagining and of judging have been in all Ages equal in Mankind. But then this is certain, that the faculties of the Soul, like the parts of the Body, receive nourishment from use, and derive skill as well as they do force and vigour from exercise. Now I leave to any one to judge whether the imaginative faculty of the Soul, must be more exercised in a Reign of Poetry and of Pleasure, or in a Reign of Politicks and of Business. Besides, as an Artist may have that sort of Beauty of Imagination, which is sufficient for the succeeding in Painting and Carving, and may at the same time be not one jot the more qualified for the succeeding in Poetry; so a man may have that sort of Imagination, which is necessary for the judging of Painting and Carving, and yet may not be at all Capacitated to give his judgment of Poetry; and this, if we will believe the Testimony of Horace, was the case of the great Alexander.


  Idem rex ille Poema
Qui tam ridiculum tam care prodigus emit
Edicto vetuit nequis se præter Apellem
Pingeret aut alius Lysippo duceret æa.
Fortis Alexandri vultum simulantia quod si,
Judicium subtile videndis artibus illud,
Ad libros & ad hæc Musarum dona vocares
Bæotum in Crasso Jurares aere natum.

We may say the very same thing of Judgment, a man may be well qualify'd to judge of Fortifications, or the Interest of Princes, and yet may show himself to be very weak, when he comes to judge of Poetry (not that I think that either a Statesman or an Ingineer is obliged to understand Poetry; but he who pretends to judge of any thing which he does not understand is certainly so far weak.) So that 'tis Education and Application, which qualify the Imagination and the Judgment for the passing a right Judgment on Poetry; and therefore 'tis time to proceed to the consideration of those two Heads.

Secondly, then in the Reign of King Charles the Second, a considerable part of an Audience had such an Education as qualified them to judge of Comedy. That Reign was a Reign of Pleasure, even the entertainments of their Closet were all delightful. Poetry and Eloquence were then their Studies, and that human, gay, and sprightly Philosophy, which qualify'd them to relish the only reasonable pleasures which man can have in the World, and those are Conversation and Dramatick Poetry. In their Closets they cultivated at once their Imaginations and Judgments, to make themselves the fitter for conversation, which requires

-- --

them both. And the Conversation of those times was so different from what it is now, that it let them as much into that particular knowledge of Mankind, which is requisite for the judging of Comedy, as the present Conversation removes us from it. The discourse, which now every where turns upon Interest, rolled then upon the Manners and Humours of Men. For let us take a little view of the state of the Nation, during the Reign of that Prince, from the year Sixty to Eighty. They were overjoy'd to find themselves delivered from the apprehensions of another Civil War, and not only in quiet, but as they they thought, in profound security. They were at the same time free from Fears and Taxes, and by reason of that plenty which overflowed among them, they were in the happiest condition in the World, to attain to that knowledge of Mankind, which is requisite for the judging of Comedy. For while some were dissolv'd in the wantonness of ease, and grown careless how they exposed themselves, others were at leisure to observe their frailties; to watch the turns and counterturns of their Humours, and trace the windings of them up to their very springs. All the sheer Originals in Town were known, and in some measure copied. But now the case is vastly different. For all those great and numerous Originals are reduced to one single Coxcomb, and that is the foolish false Politician. For from Westminster to Wapping, go where you will, the conversation turns upon Politicks. Whereever you go, you find Atheists and Rakes standing up for the Protestant Religion, Fellows who never saw a Groat in their Lives, vehemently maintaining Property, and People that are in the Fleet and the Kings Bench upon execution for their Lives, going together by the cars about the Liberty of the Subject. There is not the emptyest Coxcomb in Town, but has got his Politick Shake and his Shrug, and is pretending to wisdom by Gestures, while his Tongue, the surest Index of his Soul, declares him a very Ass. Go among either the Lame or the Blind, and you shall find them intercepting the Plate Fleet, or sending Forces into Italy. For all Men are alarmed by the present posture of affairs, because all men believe they are concerned, which universal alarm has reduced those Characters which were so various before, to a dull uniformity. For great Fools, like great Wits, require leisure and ease to shew themselves. And as this uniformity of Characters has directly done a great deal of harm to Comedy, because our Poets, for want of Originals are forced to bring Copies, or else to draw after their own Imagination, rather than after the Life, so it has hurt it too indirectly, by the harm which it has done to Playing. For observation is necessary to our Comedians as well as our Comick Poets. And I verily believe, that the want of Originals has been one great cause of the decay of acting. And the decay of this is the cause that when a good Comedy does come to be writ, it can never be lik'd because it can never be Acted, for the better a Play is acted, the better it is sure to succeed. Now an empty trifling Play can better be Acted by ill or indifferent Actors, than one that is strongly writ in Nature, because the last requires Masters.

Besides, there are three sorts of People now in our Audiences, who have had no education at all; and who were unheard of in the Reign of King Charles the Second. A great many younger Brtthers, Gentlemen born, who have been kept at home, by reason of the pressure of the Taxes. Several People, who made their Fortunes in the late War; and who from a state of obscurity, and perhaps of misery, have risen to a condition of distinction and plenty. I believe that no man will wonder, if these People, who in their original obscurity, could never attain to any higher entertainment than Tumbling and Vaulting and Ladder Dancing, and the delightful diversions of Jack Pudding, should still be in Love with their old sports, and encourage these noble Pastimes still upon the Stage. But a 3d sort of People, who may be said to have had no education at all in relation to us and our Plays, is that considerable number of Foreigners, which within these last twenty years have been introduc'd among us; some of whom not being acquainted with our Language, and consequently with the sense of our Plays, and others disgusted with our extravagant, exorbitant Rambles, have

-- --

been Instrumental in introducing Sound and Show, where the business of the Theatre does no require it, and particularly a sort of a soft and wanton Musick. which has used the People to a delight which is independant of Reason, a delight that that has gone a very great way towards the enervating and dissolving their minds.

But thirdly, in the Reign of King Charles the Second, a considerable part of an Audience had that due application, which is requisite for the judging of Comedy. They had first of all leisure to attend to it. For that was an age of Pleasure, and not of Business. They were serene enough to receive its impressions: For they were in Ease and Plenty. But in the present Reign, a great part of the Gentlemen have not leisure, because want throws them upon employments, and there are ten times more Gentlemen now in business, than there were in King Charles his Reign. Nor have they serenity, by Reason of a War, in which all are concerned, by reason of the Taxes which make them uneasie. By reason that they are attentive to the events of affairs, and too full of great and real events, to receive due impressions from the imaginary ones of the Theatre. They come to a Playhouse full of some business which they have been solliciting, or of some Harrangue which they are to make the next day; so that they meerly come so unbend, and are utterly incapable of duly attending to the just and harmonions Symetry of a beautiful design. Besides, the Faction which has been so long in their Politicks is got into their Pleasures, and they refuse to be delighted with what some People write, not because they really dislike it, but only because others are pleased with it, as if any one should be such a Set to refuse Champaign, because his Enemy finds it delicious.

Thus, Sir, I have shewn, that in King Charles the Second's time, a considerable part of an Audience were qualified to judge for themselves, and that at present a considerable part of our Audiences are not qualify'd for it. But there is an important thing behind, which I have only time to hint at. That they who were not qualified to judge in King Charles his Reign, were influenced by the authority of those who were; and that is of the Court, which always in a peculiar manner influences the pleasures of the Gentry. And some of the most eminent young Courtiers had then an admirable taste of Comedy, as it must always happen in in a Court where the Prince delights in it. But the Court of England at present has other things to mind than to take care of Comedy. 'Tis true, there may be several Gentlemen in it who are capable of setting others right, but neither have they leisure to do it, nor have others time to attend to them.

Thus, Sir, have I endeavour'd to shew the causes of the degeneracy of taste in Comedy; which is every day more and more declining. I might perhaps say the same thing concerning Tragedy: For, in short, Sir, some of the best Tragedies which have been writ since Shakespear's time were writ in the Reign of Charles the Second. And you are almost the only Person alive, who are capable of Writing a true Tragedy. In that which you have already given us, you took the judicious advice of Horace, and chose a known subject from one of the noblest Poems in the World. Your incidents have both Art and Nature to maintain them, and are as probable as they are surprizing: Your Characters resembling your sentiments, easie, proper, great, elevated; your Expressions Strong without Constraint, Engaging without Artifice, Charming without Wantonness, and Majestick without Pride. These, Sir, together with that noble Fire which ev'ry where reigns in your Writings, are the qualities which make you a Poet, and so clearly distinguish you from the Common numerous Playwrights that pass upon the easie Town.

But 'tis high time to have done, for I am not only guilty of a fault myself, but what is worse, making you guilty of a greater. For I am declaring what all the World is sensible of, and you are blushing only at hearing the truth.

I am,

SIR,

Your most Humble and most Obedient Servant,
John Dennis

-- --

Dramatis Personæ.

[Rugby], [Drawer], [Simple], [Servant], [Masker 1], [Masker 2], [Masker 3], [Fairy 1], [Fairy 2], [Fairy 3], [Spirit], [Chorus], [Chorus 1], [Chorus 2]

MEN. WOMEN.
Mr Fenton. Mrs Page [Mistress Page].
Mr Ford. Mrs Ford [Mistress Ford].
Mr Page. Mrs Ann Page [Mistress Anne Page].
Justice Shallow. Mrs Dor. Tearsheet [Doll Tearsheet].
Mr Slender.
Sir John Falstaffe [Sir John Falstaff].
Host of the Garter [Host].
Host of the Bull [Bull].
Evans [Sir Hugh Evans].
Dr Caius [Doctor Caius].
Pistol.
Nym.

-- 1 --

Main text ACT. I SCENE I. Windsor Park. Fenton. Host of the Garter.

Fen.

Mine Host of the Garter!

Host.

What says my Lad of Mettle?

Fent.

Did you deliver my Letter to young Mrs Page?

Host.

This very moment, my Bully Rock.

Fent.

Did you, as I desir'd you, try to engage Caius the French Doctor, who is walking yonder with the Mother and Daughter, in a private Discourse with the former, that the Daughter may have an opportunity of a moments conversation with me?

Host.

I did, my young vigorous Lover, and yonder they are walking apart, while the Daughter, do you see, is stealing this way to you.

Fent.

Very good! Yonder walks that venerable Sot Justice Shallow, with his Cousin Slender and the Welsh Priest Sir Hugh, in order to the finding out Mr Page, that they may treat of a Match between my Mistress and that Fool Slender.

Host.

The Justice is my Guest, and has told me all their Design.

Fent.

Sir Hugh has already mention'd this business to her Father, with whom he happens to have more than ordinary credit; and Page very greedily bites at the Fool, as I'm inform'd by a faithful Spy, whom I entertain in the Family.

Host.

So liberal a fist as thine is, my Bully, would make any one a faithful Rascal to thee.

Fent.

The Mother has by some means or other got an Item of Shallow's design, and out of her aversion to Squire Slender, and her inclination to Doctor Caius, who has a place at Court, designs that her Daughter this very day shall be marry'd privately to the latter.

Host.

But Woman was made for Man, and not for Beast, my Bully.

Fent.

You know Dr Caius is very cholerick, and very outrageous on a very little occasion.

Host.

Every man at thirty is a Fool or a Physician; but my Noble Esculapius, thanks be to Heaven, is both.

Fent.

Sir Hugh is as peevish as he can be for the heart of him. Now if thou wou'dst but acquaint Caius with Sir Hugh's design, and aggravate the matter with that slanderous Tongue of thine, they would infallibly go together by the Ears, and so we should gain an important point; Sir Hugh would be diverted from following Slender's business, and Doctor Caius from urging his own.

Host.

A word to the Wise, it shall be done, my Lad, I'll accost him in a Trice, and set his Hogshead in a Ferment.

Fent.

At the same time, do you see, if you happen to meet Sir John Falstaff, or his men, do all that you can to confirm them severally, in the designs we have put them upon.

-- 2 --

Host.

I warrant you. Here she comes, my little Lad.

Exit Host. Enter Mrs Ann Page.

Fent.

Can I then have the happiness to see you at last, unkind Mrs Page!

Mrs P.

Well! Are you not the most ungrateful Man upon Earth, to upbraid me with unkindness, when I do and suffer so much for you? Have not both my Parents forbid me the very sight of you, upon pain of their mortal displeasure. And is it a small proof of my esteem for you, that I give you, in disobeying their orders?

Fent.

But have I not a greater right to you than either of your Parents can claim? Are you not mine by a Sacred Vow that was solemnly made, both in the Face of Earth and of Heav'n.

Mrs A.

The thought of that Vow distracts me.

Fent.

Oh Heavens, you repent of it then?

Mrs A

Repent of it I can never: but I must always tremble when I think of the consequence.

Fent.

How could you find in your Heart, to let me languish at Windsor three tedious days without seeing you?

Mrs A.

And can you ask? unjust Mr Fenton! Has not my Maid inform'd you, how I bave been watched perpetually? Has she not told you, how I have been pester'd both with Spiritual and Temporal Fools? Has she not acquainted you with the ridiculous motion that Sir Hugh has made to my Father?

Fent.

She has indeed, and with the noble resolution, that your Mother has assum'd upon it.

Mrs A.

What course shall I take in this afflicting extremity?

Fent.

Will you be so kind as to be advis'd by me?

Mrs A.

I have been but too apt to take your advice.

Fent.

Own the obligation which you stand in to me.

Mrs A.

I dare not.

Fent.

They want Affection, who want Resolution in these cases.

Mrs A.

Grant I should own it, what should I gain by it? It would but augment my Parents care to divide us.

Fent.

Then give me your Hand, as you have given me your Heart, and see who dares divide us.

Mrs A.

I tremble at the thought of it.

Fent.

Do you Love me?

Mrs A.

If you doubt I hate you.

Fent.

And can you tremble at the giving your Hand to the Man whom you Love, when before night you may be forc'd to give it to him whom you Hate?

Mrs A.

Oh! Name it not!

Fent.

Is the name so dreadful, and can you venture the thing, prevent it.

Mrs A.

Alas! which way? You see my Mother there, and Caius, both have their Eye upon me. Justice Shallow and Slender and Sir Hugh, are all coming up to us. And my Father yonder stands at the Gate, expecting me, if I should offer to go out of the Park with you, you are discover'd and I am undone.

Fent.

But what if the day produces an opportunity that may be more favourable to our design?

Mrs A.

'Tis impossible.

Fent.

'Tis probable, Caius and Sir Hugh within this hour will have other business to mind, which will give a diversion to your Father; and before your Mother has

-- 3 --

digested her Dinner, she perhaps may find something to employ her, that she but little dreams of.

Mrs A.

You talk mysteriously.

Fent.

You must know that by the help of mine Host of the Garter, I have persuaded old Sir John Falstaffe, that your Mother and Mrs Ford are in Love with him, and it seems the frankness of their behaviour the last time that he happened to be in their Company, has perfectly confirmed him in that opinion.

Mrs A.

And what advantage do you pretend to draw from this?

Fent.

You know the frank and jolly temper of your Mother and Mrs Ford, and how apt they are to leave their serious affairs, for any thing that will raise their mirth. At the same time that I have put the Knight upon this by the means of mine Host, I have by the same Instrument, prevailed upon a couple of Falstaffe's men, to betray their Masters design both to Mr Ford and your Father: So that what by mirth on the Womens side, and Jealousie and Heart-burning on the mens, I pretend to give all my opposers a diversion, and carry on my own design.

Mrs A.

Why, you are really a great Politician.

Fent.

Oh Love of a Sot can make a Machiavel I have other intreagues in my Head, which I want time to tell ye; for here comes Company.

Enter Shallow, Slender, Evans, Simple.

Shall.

Good morrow Master Fenton, good morrow fair Mrs Ann.

Fent.

Good morrow, Master Justice, Squire Slender good morrow.

Slend.

Save you Sir.

Shall.

Whither in such haste, Mrs Ann.

Mrs A.

Sir my Father expects me,

Shall.

We design to make you a visit anon, Mrs Page.

Mrs A.

Sir, my Father will certainly be glad to see you.

Evans.

And here is young Master Slender, that peradventure shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your liking.

Mrs A.

Sir, good morrow.

Exit. Mrs A. Pa. Fent.

Slend.

O gemini is that Mrs Ann Page?

Evans.

Yes by St David is it; that is her that you are to take for your wedded Wife, look you.

Shall.

Look you, de you hear Coz, there is as 'twere a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here, do you understand me?

Slend.

I Sir, you shall find me reasonable, if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.

Shall.

Nay, but understand me.

Slend.

So I do Sir.

Evans.

Give ear to his motions, Mr Slender; I will description the matter to you if you be capacity of it.

Slend.

Nay, I will do as my Cousin Shallow says. I pray you pardon me; he's a Justice of Peace in his Country, simple as I stand here.

Evans.

But that is not the question, the question is concerning your Marriage.

Shall.

I, there's the point Sir?

Slend.

Why, if it he so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.

Evans.

But can you affection the oman? Let us command to know that of your Mouth or your Lips, for divers Philosophers hold that the Lips is parcel of the Mouth, therefore precisely can you marry your good will to the Maid?

Shall.

Cousin Abraham Slender can you love her?

-- 4 --

Slend.

I hope, Sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.

Evans.

Nay, gots Lords and his Ladies you must speak positable; if you can carry your desires towards her?

Shall.

That you must, will you upon good Dowry marry her?

Slend.

I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, Cousin, in any reason.

Shall.

Nay conceive me, conceive me, sweet Coz, what I do is to pleasure you, Coz; can you love the Maid?

Slend.

I will marry her Sir at your Request, but if there be no great Love in the beginning, yet Heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are Marry'd, and have more reason to know one another. I hope upon Familiarity will grow more content: But if you say Marry her, I will Marry her, that I am freely Dissolv'd and Dissolutely.

Evans.

It is a very Discretion answer: Save the fall is in the ord dissolutely: The ort is according to our meaning resolutely.

Shall.

I, I think my Cousin meant well.

Slend.

I, or else I wou d I might be hang

Enter Falst. Pistol, Nym.

Shall.

Good morrow Sir John Falstaff, good morrow.

Falst.

Good morrow, good Master Shallow, Master Slender good morrow.

Slend.

Sir, a good morning to you.

Shall.

Saw you Master Page this way, Sir John?

Falst.

He is that way Master Shallow, well shall see you soon enough at the Garter, to charge you and Master Slender with a Brimmer

Exeunt all but Falst. Pist. Nym.

Falst.

Pistol and Nym.

Pist.

We hear thee.

Falst.

My Lads, I'm almost out at Heels

Pist.

Why then let Kibes ensue.

Falst.

There is no Remedy, I must Conycatch, I must shift.

Pist.

Young Ravens must have Food.

Falst.

Which of you know Ford of this Town?

Pist.

I ken the wight, he is of substance good.

Falst.

My honest Lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pist.

Two yards and more.

Falst.

No quips now Pistol. Indeed I'm in the waste two yards about. But I am now about no waste, I'm about Thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's Wife, I spy entertainment in her, she discourses, she carves, she gives the Leer of Invitation, I have studied her behaviour and her every motion, and am vers'd in the Language and style of it, which converted into honest English, says, Sir John come lye with me.

Pist.

Well construed!

Falst.

Now the report goes, she hath all the rule of her Husbands purse, he hath a legend of Angels.

Pist.

As many Devils entertain'd, and haloo old Dragon I say.

Nym.

The humour rises, it is good, humour me the Angels.

Falst.

I have writ me here a Letter to her, and here another to Page's Wife, who even now gave me good Eyes too, examin'd my parts with most judicious Eye-lids, sometimes the beam of her view guilded my Foot, sometime my portly Belly.

Pist.

Then did the Sun on Dunghils shine.

-- 5 --

Nym.

I thank thee for that humour.

Falst.

O she did so course o're my exteriors, and with such a greedy intention that her scorching eye set fire to me like a Burning Glass; here's another Letter to her: She bears the purse too, she is a Region in Guiana all Gold and Bounty, I will be Cheaters to them both, and they shall be Exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will Trade to them both, go bear thou this Letter to Mrs Page, and thou this to Mrs Ford, we will thrive—my Lads.

Pist.

Shall I Sir, Pandarus of Troy become, and by my side wear Steel, then Lucifer take all.

Nym.

I will run no base humour, here take the humour Letter again; I will keep up the haviour of reputation, I.

Falst.

Sirrah, Page.

Page.

Sir.

Falst.

Sirrah, deliver both these Letters tightly, sail like my Pinnace to these Golden Shoars. Yonder walks Mrs Page, and yonder Mrs Ford. Go Sirrah, fly, deliver both the Notes, and shew thy self the Imp whom I have educated. And as for you, you Jackalents, you Maukins, Rogues, hence Avaunt, vanish like Hailstones, go, trudge, plod away o'th hoof, seek shelter, pack. Falstaffe will learn the Honour of the Age, French thrift you Rogues my self, and skirted Page.

Page.

What without warning Knight?

Falst.

Ay, without warning, Sir.

Pist.

Lend us some Money to subsist then.

Falst.

I will not lend thee a penny.

Pist.

Why then the Worlds mine Oyster, which I with Sword will open.

Falst.

No not a penny, I have been content you shou'd lay my countenance to pawn, I have grated upon my good Friends for three Reprieves for you, and your Coachfellow Nym, or else you had look'd thro the Grate like a Gemini of Baboons. I am damn'd in Hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my Friends, you were good Souldiers and tall Fellows. And when Mrs Bridget lost the handle of her Fan, I took it upon my honour thou hadst it not.

Pist.

Didst thou not share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

Falst.

Reason, you Rogue, reason? Thinkst thou I'll endanger my Soul gratis. At a word, hang no more about me, I'm no Gibbet for you! A short knife, and a thong to your Manner of Pickt Hatch. Go! you'l not bear a Letter for me you Rogue, you stand upon your Honour! Why thou Unconfinable baseness! It is as much as I can do, to keep the term of my Honour precise. I, I, I my self sometimes leaving the Fear of Heav'n on the left Hand, and hiding mine Honour in my necessity, am fain to Shuffle, to Hedge and to Lurch; and you Rogue, will ensconce your Rags, your Cat-a-mountain looks, your red lettice Phrases, and your bold blustring Oaths, under the title of your Honour, you will not do it? You, nor you, farewel ye brace of drills you.

Exit. Falst.

Pist.

Let Vultures gripe thy Guts, Tester I'll have in Pouch, when thou shalt lack, base Phrygian Turk.

Enter Host.

Host.

Ancient Pistol and Corporeal Nym? Is not that my Knight, my Bully, Sir John, who walks there?

Pist.

A fico for thy Knight, base Recreant Paynim?

Nym.

Slice, I say, Pauca, Pauca, slice, that's my humour.

-- 6 --

Host.

Oh, I understand thee, my roaring Boy; the Bawdy Letters I told thee of, ha Boy, go find out the Husbands, my delicate scoundrels, go wag, trot, ducuss.

Nym.

I have operations, which be humours of Revenge.

Pist.

Wilt thou revenge?

Nym.

By Welkin and her Star.

Pist.

With Wit or Steel.

Nym.
With both the humours I,
I will discuss the Humour of this Love to Ford.

Pist.
And I to Page shall strait unfold,
How Falstaffe Varlet vile,
His Love will prove, his Gold will hold,
And his soft Couch defile.

Nym.

My humour shall not cool; I will incense Ford to deal with Poison, I will possess him with yellowness, for this revolt of mine is dangerous, that is my true humour.

Host.

About it strait, my dainty Rogues, about it.

Ex. Pist. Nym. Enter Caius.

Caius.

How does do mine Host of the Jarteer!

Host.

What, my Galen, my Æsculapius, Ah ha Boy, I have been looking thee all about, I have something to impart to thee, my Lad of Science, thou sayst thou art in Love with young Mrs Page.

Caius

Begar mine Host, vid all my Arta.

Host.

Hark in thine ear! There is Treason hatching against thee, my noble Paracelsus. That Welsh Prig, Sir Hugh, has a mind to be playing the Canonical Pimp for Slender.

Caius.

Oh Diable! vat is dis dat you tell a me? Jernie I will send him de shallenge presant, I vil cut his troat in de Park here; and I vill teach a Scurvy Jackanape Priest to meddle or make;

Host.

What says my Bully Hector?

Caius.

Mine Host, I'e m'en vais a la Cour, jay la des affaires.

Host.

High destiny expects thee there.

Caius.

But in de quarter o de heure, I vill be at de Jarteer vid you; in de mean vile, see dat de Weapon be mesure, and dat de shallenge be writt a.

Host.
'Tis done, with pleasure I'll perform thy will,
For thou my Bully canst both cure and kill.
Enter Mrs Ford, Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

I was coming to look you.

Mrs Page.

I was seeking for you, you look very ill to day.

Mrs Ford.

Are not you mistaken?

Mrs Page.

Sure I think not.

Mrs Ford.

Look again.

Mrs Page.

Trust me your Eyes look very languishing.

Mrs Ford.

But very killing too, Mrs Page, these languishing Eyes have done a dev'lish deal of mischief lately.

-- 7 --

Mrs Page.

The wickeder Creature you! But where pray?

Mrs Ford.

Why you must know, Mrs Page, that the little Amorous Blind Boy taking his stand from these two Shoulders, and making use of these two Eyes, for want of his own, you must know Mrs Page

Mrs Page.

Well! proceed.

Mrs Ford.

Why by their help, Mrs Page, as dim as they are, the dextrous young Dog has drawn such a Bow, that he has mawl'd a Gyant.

Mrs Page.

The Devil he has.

Mrs Ford.

Shot him to the Heart, thro three inches upon the Ribs, i'faith Mrs Page.

Mrs Page.

So, you have got a Gallant then.

Mrs Ford.

But such a Gallant—

Mrs Page.
Nay, I'd have you to know, I have not been behind with you.
I have done execution too, and upon the greatest Man in the Kingdom.

Mrs Ford.

Ay, for Title perhaps, but for substance none can be compar'd to mine.

Mrs Page.

Do you think so? But 'twould make your Heart ake tho, to carry but half the substance of my Gallant.

Mrs Ford.

Will you persist in comparing your Lover to mine; there's to convince you.

Mrs Page.

Well! And there's my argument!

Giving one another Letters.

Mrs Ford.

Hey day! you have given me my own Letter again.

Mrs Page.

In troth, I think I have, prithee exchange.

Mrs Ford.

Mercy upon me!

Mrs Page.

Bless me! The very same still.

Mrs Ford.

Prithee now read, Mrs Page.

Mrs Page. Reads.

Ask me no reason why I love you, for tho Love uses reason for his Presiican, he admits him not for his Counsellor: You are not young, no more am I, go to then there's Sympathy, you are merry, so am I, Ha, ha, there's more Sympathy, you love Sack, and so do I, would you desire better Sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mrs Ford, at least if the Love of a Souldier can suffice, that I love thee, I will not say pity me, 'tis not a Souldier-like Phrase; but I say Love me, by me thine own true Knight, by day or night, or any kind of light, with all his might, for thee to fight,

John Falstaffe.

Mrs Ford.
Why this is the very same.
The very Hand, the very Words.

Mrs Page.

What a Herod of Jury 'tis? Why were the Flesh and the Devil ever so match'd before? I warrant he has a hundred of these Letters writ with blank spaces for different names, he will print them no doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the Press, when he would put us two there. I had rather be a Gyantess, and lye under Mount Pelion. Well. I will find you twenty lascivious Turtles e're one chaste man. Why, what does he take us for?

Mrs Ford.

For Foul-feeders I'm sure, these Letters are not only Libels upon our inclinations, but upon our circumstances too: Sure he thinks our necessities must be very pressing, when he believes we can have an appetite to old Bull-beef.

Mrs Page.

Have I scap'd Love Letters in the Spring and Bloom of my Beauty, to be a subject for them at this time a day, can my Eyes make Lovers with their declining Rays, as the Sun breeds Flies in Autumn.

Mrs Ford.

You make large Flies Mrs Page, Sir John is neither a Fly nor a Fowl, he's none of your Volatils, he, what Tempest I tro, threw this Whale with so

-- 8 --

many Tunns of Oil in his Belly ashoar at Windsor? What shall we do with him?

Mrs Page.

E'en what you will.

Mrs Ford.

Let's comply with him then.

Mrs Page.

You Jest sure.

Mrs Ford.

Yes, we'll comply with him in jest, to be reveng'd in earnest, entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of Lust has melted him in his own grease, yet let our very revenge be merry.

Mrs Page.

But wise? Oh that our Husbands did but know of these two Letters.

Mrs Ford.

Why it would make thine merry and mine mad, now will I make a treble use of what has happened. I will reclaim my Husband from his extravagant jealousie, my management shall be a Satyr upon those vain Fellows, who scandalously interpret a Womans innocent freedom, and I will take care that my Nephew shall stalk under this fat Beast, till he arrives at your Daughter.

Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford, never think of it.

Mrs Ford.

Not think of it!

Mrs Page.

Both my Husband and I are mortally averse from it.

Mrs Ford.

You had as good bid your Daughter never think of it, and I am sure she never thinks of any thing else.

Mrs Page.

I'll keep her under Lock and Key then.

Mrs Ford.

Well come, come, you and I will have no quarrel upon this account. Let every one marry their Children to their own liking; but at the same time I will do my Kinsman underhand all the service I can, yet why should you pitch upon Slender, Nature methinks has taken too much care of her, to have her thrown a way on a Fool.

Mrs Page.

I design no such thing, I have a better Husband for her; but look here comes our Husbands, let us away, and talk more of the affront has been put upon us, and of our Revenge.

Enter Page, Ford, Nym, Pistol.

Ford.

Well! I hope it is not so.

Pist.

Hope is a curtal Dog in some affairs, Sir John affects thy Wife.

Ford.

Why Sir, my Wife is not young.

Pist.
He courts both high and low, both Rich and Poor,
Beldam and Virgin are alike his prey,
He loves thy gallymawfrey, Ford, perpend.

Ford.

Love my Wife.

Pist.

With Liver burning hot, prevent, or go thou, Sir, Acteon like, with Ringwood at thy Heels.

Ford.

Ha!

Pist

O! Odious is the name.

Ford

What name?

Pist

The Horn I say, Farewel.

Ford.

A pox consume his Bones first!

(to himself.)

Pist

Take heed, have open Eye, for Thieves do foot by night; take heed e're Summer comes, or Cuckoo Birds do sing. Away Sir Corporal.

Nym.

Believe it, Page, he speaks sense.

Ford.

The Devil he does, (to himself) Ha! A Thought comes into my head— 'Sdeath! There must be something in this. Ha, ha, Mrs 5ord!

Nym.

Believe it, this is true. I should have brought the Humour'd Letter to

-- 9 --

her, but I have a Sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your Wife, that is the short and the long. Ny name is Corporal Nym, I speak it and avouch it. My name is Nym, and Falstaffe loves your Wife. Adieu; I love not the humour of Bread and Cheese.

Exit Pist. and Nym.

Page.

The humour of it quotha! here's a Fellow frights English out of its wits. Master Ford!

Ford

I will sound the bottom of this business.

(Not hearing him.

Page.

Did you ever hear such a Drawling affected Rogue?

Ford. (not hearing him)

This is a notable fellow.

Page.

The Devil he is, but come let us go about the Business we came for.

Ford. (not hearing him)

Why what a Business is this?

Page.

Why you know I told you of a Ridiculous Fray, that is to be Fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh Priest, and Caius the French Doctor.

Ford.

Perhaps they are preparing now to engage. (not hearing him)

Page.

Preparing! Why they are already prepared.

Ford.

Now to know where their Appointment is.

Page.

Why yonder walks one, and the other is at Frogmore, my merry Host of the Garter has had the measuring of their Weapons, and has appointed them contrary places.

Ford.

Here are doings (not hearing him) here are vagaries.

Page.

Nay, they'll make admirable sport between them.

Ford. (Hearing him)

Will they faith; I believe I shall spoil their diversion.

Page.

Spoil it, I tell thee thou wilt heighten it, man, the more the merrier.

Ford.

Ha! Pleasant Mr Page, I believe I shall be in with them at the wrong Weapon.

Page.

Why, have you any quarrel to either of the Parties?

Ford.

Oh gud!

Page.

What makes the man shrug so.

Ford.

Death, I'll mawl the very Heart of my Devil!

Page.

Pray Sir, which of them may be your Devil?

Ford.

Alas, poor innocent, guess pray!

Page.

Nay, I don't know, the Priest perhaps?

Ford.

The Priest! Ay, that's notably guess'd indeed.

Page.

Well, Doctor Caius then, what makes the man shrug, what makes him stare? A pox of your Spanish remarks, I say, I hate a Fellow, whose Eyes and Shoulders do the office of his Mouth.

Ford.

And a pox of your Parson, and Doctor, who said a word of them?

Page.

Who? Whose Heart was it pray, that you said you'd mawl?

Ford.

Whose? Why the Heart of one who has mawl'd my Head, Sir, the Heart of my damn'd Wife, Sir.

Page.

Why, a Pox of your damn'd Wife, if you go to that, who the Devil so much as thought of her.

Ford.

Hey day! I warrant you did not hear what one of these Raskals told me just now.

Page.

Yes, and you heard what the other told me, but since that, we talk'd of the quarrel between Sir Hugh and the Doctor.

Ford.

I never said a word of it?

Page.

Why I talk'd of it to you.

Ford.

I am not deaf, Neighbour?

-- 10 --

Page.

And you answer'd me directly.

Ford.

Nor mad, Neighbour.

Page.

You talk a little odly, Neighbour.

Ford.

No, nor bewitch'd Neighbour.

Page.

I don't know what you call bewitcht, Neighbour; but the Devil's in you, that's certain, Neighbour.

Ford.

'Sdeath Sir, I say.

Page.

Nay, but prithee don't be peevish; thou art a very honest Fellow and my Friend, give me thy Hand.

Ford.

Well! what do you design to do in consequence of this Information?

Page.

What Information?

Ford.

Why, concerning our Wives.

Page.

Who I? I'll go to the Garter anon, and laugh with my merry Host at it?

Ford.

Laugh?

Page.

Laugh? Ay Laugh; and thou shalt Laugh too, old Boy?

Ford.

Zounds! Laugh quotha?

Page.

Why, I hope you see nothing here, that you think you ought to take gravely?

Ford.

Oh no, gravely, no, no, by no means gravely.

Page.

Well! why not Laugh then?

Ford.

Hearke! you're below it.

Page.

Hey day! what have I done?

Ford.

You make me mad, yes I warrant I should Laugh when I see—

Page.

See what?

Ford.

Nay, under my very Nose too.

Page.

See what, prithee?

Ferd.

What, when I see, when I see my Wife—Zounds, Sir, I won't Laugh.

Page.

Very good! You had best be jealous of that Leviathan Falstaffe? Is thy Wife so very outragious, or art thou so very impotent?

Ford.

You are in the Humour to play the Fool, Mr Page.

Page.

Thou art in the humour to be mad, jealous of Falstaffe, come will you go and take your part of the diversion of this Combat?

Ford.

Diversion with a Devil? my business is to go and hinder some diversion that is expected from a Combat in another place, farewell.

Page.

Adieu, since you are so musty, what a jealous Fool is this?

Exit Page.

Ford.

This Page is a Mole, a Bat, a Beetle, one of those dark and drowsie Animals, that Heav'n design'd to grope its way in the dusk. But look! who goes yonder? My Wife and Mrs Page. Ha! And who is that, who goes with them? A downright Bawd, as I hope to breath, that was just now talking with Falstaffe? Why can any thing in the world be more plain than this? Why, this is downright evidence of sense, is not seeing believing, ha Mr Page! But alas, poor Creature, thou hast no sight! What shall I do, I am tortur'd, I am plagu'd, I am mad. Oh, that I could be but as unconcerned a Cuckold as Page! But Horns come to me, as Teeth do to Children, and bring Convulsions along with them. Let me see, I will secure mine Host of the Garter, with whom Falstaffe lodges, and bribe him to present me to him by another name. I will sound the Knight, and make what discovery I can of him. And as soon as I get upon the drag of him, I will like a Hound that is true and stanch, hunt the rank Fox to his Kennel.

The End of the First Act.

-- 11 --

ACT II. SCENE I. Windsor Park. Caius. Rugby.

Caius.

Jack Rugby.

Rug.

Sir?

Caius.

Vat is de Clock, Jack?

Rug.

'Tis past the hour, Sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd to meet.

Caius.

Begar, he is save his Soul, dat he is no come; by gar Jack Rugby he is dead already if he be come.

Rug.

He is wise, Sir, he knew your Worship wou'd kill him if he came.

Caius.

Begar, de Herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him, take your Rapier Jack, I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

Rug.

Alas, Sir, I cannot Fence.

Caius.

Villany, take your Rapier.

Rug.

Forbear, here's company.

Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, Page.

Host.

Bless thee, Bully Doctor!

Shall.

Save you, Mr Doctor Caius.

Page.

Now, good Mr Doctor.

Slen.

Give you good morrow, Sir.

Caius.

Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

Host.

To see thee fight, to see thee foign, to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee pass thy Puncto, thy Stock, thy Reverse, thy distance, thy Montan—Is he dead, my Æthiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha Bully? What says my Æsculapius, my Galen, my Heart of Elder? Ha! Is he dead Bully Stale? Is he dead?

Caius.

Begar, he is de Coward Jack Priest of de Vorld, he is not show his face.

Host.

Thou art a Castalian King, Urinal, Hector of Greece, my Boy.

Caius.

I pray you bear witness dat me have stay here six or seven, two or three hours for him and he is not come.

Shall.

He is de wiser man, Mr Doctor, he is a curer of Souls, and you a curer of Bodies, if you should fight, you go against the Hair of your Professions It is not true, Master Page?

Page.

Master Shallow, you have been yourself a great fighter, tho now a man of Peace

Shall.

Bodikins, Mr Page, tho now I be old and of peace, if I see a Sword out, my finger itches to make one. Tho we are Justices and Doctors and Churchmen, Mr Page, we have some Salt of our Youth in us, we are the Sons of Women, Mr Page.

Page.

'Tis true, Mr Shallow.

-- 12 --

Shallow.

It will be found so, Mr Page. Mr Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home, I am sworn of the Peace, you have shewn yourself a wise Physician, and Sir Hugh hath shewn himself a wise and patient Churchman, you must go with me, Mr Doctor.

Host.

Pardon, guest Justice, a Monsieur Mockwater.

Caius.

Mockwater? Vat is dat?

Host.

Mockwater in our English Tongue is Valour Bully.

Caius.

Bygar, den I have as much Mockwater as de English man, scurvy Jack. Dog Priest: Bygar me vill cut his Ears.

Host.

He will clapperclaw thee tightly, Bully.

Caius.

Clapper de claw? vat is dat?

Host.

That is, he will make thee amends.

Caius.

Bygar, me do look he shall clapper de claw me, for bygar me vil have it.

Host.

And I will provoke him to it, or let him wag.

Cai.

Me tanck you for dat.

Host.

And moreover, Bully, but first Mr Justice and Mr Page, thou Cavalier Slender, go you thro the Town to Frogmore.

Page.

Sir Hugh is there still, is he?

Host.

He is there, see what humour he is in, and I will bring the Doctor about the Fields, will it do well?

Shall.

We will do it.

All

Adieu, good Mr Doctor.

Exeunt all but Host and Caius.

Caius.

Begar me will kill de Priest? for he speak for a Jackanape to Ann Page?

Host.

Let him die: Sheath thy impatience, throw cold water on thy Choler: go about the Fields with me to Frogmore, I will bring thee where Mrs Ann Page is at a Farmhouse a Feasting, and thou shall court her; said I well, my Lad?

Cai.

Begar me danck you vor dat; bygar I love you, and I shall procure a you de good guest, de Earl, de Knight, de Lords, de Gentlemen my Patients.

Host.

For the which I will be thy Adversary towards Ann Page, said I well!

Caius.

Begar 'tis good, vell said.

Host.

Let us wag then.

Caius.

Come at my Heels, Jack Rugby.

Scene Changes to the Gartir Inn Falstaffe, Ford, Drawer.

Ford.

Nay, 'tis your own I protest, Sir John?

Falst.

Nay, Master Broom this must not be; I will serve you in the business that you speak of without it.

Ford.

Twenty pound Sir John, is but a trifle, and I am not of the humour to trouble my Friends for nothing, Sir!

Falst.

By no means, Sir?

Ford.

Nay, good Sir John.

Struggling.

Falst.

Nay, as I'm a Gentleman, as I'm a Gentleman, I am not Mercenary, how much is the summ say you.

Ford.

Twenty pound, come, you shall take it indeed, Sir John.

Falst.

Sir you are a perfect Stranger to me.

Ford.

Nay, 'tis in vain to struggle.

Falst.

Sir, I shall not take it.

Struggling all this while.

Ford.

You must.

Falst.

Upon my Knighthood I cannot.

Ford.

Why then there's ten more, Sir John.

-- 13 --

Falst.

Nay, what do mean, Master Broom? Why will you offer this?

Ford.

Upon my credit 'tis all I have about me.

Falst.

Well, I am weak, I'm weak, I'm overpowr'd; but in troth I have reason to be abash'd at this. Is it all Sterling, Master Broom?

Ford.

'Tis all good upon my word, Sir John, and once more I am sorry that being a perfect Stranger to you.

Falst.

No Apologies, good Master Broom, I will serve you with Fords Wife with a very good will, and I am glad of your acquaintance heartily do you see; for the sake of you money do you see?

(aside.)

Ford.

you are infinitely obliging indeed, Sir John.

Falst.

Mine Host tells me, that you are an honest Man, Master Broom; and a whimsical Fool and a Gull, Master Broom.

(aside.)

Ford.

I hope, Sir John, that you will find me no otherwise.

Falst.

In good faith, I am satisfied that I shall not. The Face we know commonly speaks the man: Now your Phyznomy, not to flatter you, Master Broom, speaks you to be honest and downright—Fool, Master Broom.

(aside.)

Ford.

I hope, Sir, my inside will never give my outside the Lye.

Falst.

Your mind and your face say the same thing, Master Broom.

Ford.

But so much for compliments, Sir John.

Falst.

I would that you could but look into my Soul, you would find, Master Broom, that I am no complimenter, you would find that I have that esteem for you, which you justly deserve, tho I say it, you would find something that would surprize you; you would e'faith: And as for Fords Wife, upon my Knighthood I will do you all the service I can with her; but that I may know my business a little better, let us come to Repetition a little, you are in Love you say with Fords Wife.

Ford.

Extremely, Sir.

Falst.

And you have lov'd her long?

Ford.

Above these 10 years.

Enter Drawer.

Drawer.

Sir, Mrs Dorothy Tear-Sheet would speak with you.

Ford.

Sir John, at present I take my leave of you.

Falst.

That I must not suffer, Sir, this civil Gentlewoman that is now without, is the Mother of the Maids to Venus, and she comes at present Embassadress, about a certain affair of Love, Master Broom! Step but for a moment into the next Room, and she shall be dispatched in a trice.

Ford.

You hold your own, Sir John, you are the Womens man still.

Falst.

In troth, we are not altogether despicable, we can be sought after still, Master Broom; in spight of the grinning rawbon'd Rogue, that carries the Rusty Scythe.

Ex Ford Enter Mrs Dorothy.

Doll.

Well, Sir John?

Falst.

Well, my dear Doll? What news, poor Jade, what news?

Doll.

News, Sirrah! News that will make thy old sinful Heart go pit a pat, blessed news!

Falst

Disclose, Doll, disclose.

Doll.

I come from Mrs Ford.

Falst.

Ha! well on, Mrs Ford you say?

Doll.

Hearkee! your Ear, Sirrah.

-- 14 --

Falst.

It needs not Doll, it needs not, there is no Body near.

Doll.

No matter for that, secrets of this nature must be whisper'd.

Falst.

Well! come then, Mrs Ford, what of her?

Doll.

Well! She's the very best natur'd creature Breathing? Ah you little Wag, you little wanton Puppy!

Falst.

Mrs Ford, come Mrs Ford.

Doll.

Stay, let me see, turn about. Ah Rogue! Ah Devil? There's the face and the shape that have done it.

Falst.

But what says she? But what says she? be brief, my good She Mercury.

Doll.

Why, she has received your Letter.

Falst.

Humph! Well!

Doll.

And she says that her Husband—

Falst.

Well! What of him?

Doll.

Well! he's a scurvy filthy Fellow, she can't abide him, she can't endure him, so peevish, so jealous, she leads a cursed life with him, she passes her time in a damnable manner with him.

Falst.

And I too, a plague on him and I too; but to the purpose, Doll, to the purpose, good Doll.

Doll.

Why, she says that her Husband will go out between three and four.

Falst.

Between two and three, sayst thou?

Doll.

I say between three and four, and then she says she will meet you—

Falst.

Ay, marry, where Doll?

Doll.

At the Pyed Bull by the Thames side.

Falst

Humph! at the Pyed Bull between three and four, Doll commend me to her, and tell her I will not fail her.

Doll.

But I have a message to you from Mrs Page too.

Falst.

Ha! Well, and what says she?

Doll.

What says she? why she's certainly out of her Senses, the Woman's bewitch'd, she'll ne're be herself as long as she Breathes agen. Ah, you young cursed Rampant Dog? we must e'en have you tied up; e faith we must Jack, if you run at your Neighbours Mutton thus. She says you shall hear of her before to morrow.

Falst.

Well, commend me to them both. There s my Purse, and I am yet thy Debtor.

Exit Doll.

Falst.

This news distracts me. Ha! Sayst thou so old Jack; I'll make more of thy old Body than I have done, will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou after the expence of so much Money be now a Gamer, good Body I thank thee. Let them say it is grosly done; so it be fairly done, no matter. Ah, ah, Mrs Ford and Mrs Page, have I encompass'd you? Go to, via. Soho, Master Broom.

Enter Ford.

Falst.

Come, Master Broom, now the coast is clear, let us return to our Repetition again, you love Mrs Ford, you say?

Ford.

Extreamly!

Falst.

And you have loved her long?

Ford

These ten years.

Falst.

And you have follow'd her like any Dog?

Ford.

I have indeed.

-- 15 --

Falst.

And you have hunted her like any Deer?

Ford.

I have indeed.

Falst.

Sometimes she has kept out of sight, sometimes she has run in view.

Ford.

She has so.

Falst.

But when you have come up with her, she has still kept you off, with Oh my Virtue! Oh my Honour! Oh my dear Matrimonial Vow.

Ford.

Her very words.

Falst.

But—a—hold you me! Ay, you have conceiv'd a shrewd suspicion, that while she has been keeping you at Bay thus, some slyer Curs have come in with her Haunches.

Ford.

Ay, there lies the business.

Falst.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ford.

You are merry, Sir John.

Falst.

My Dame Ford's a wag, a very wag i'faith, Master Broom, she serves you, for all the world, Master Broom, as she does that Cuckoldly Rogue her Husband. Ha! ha! ha!

Ford. (aside)

Curse on him, does he know me?

Falst.

With that sniveling Gull, the Baggage passes for a Saint.

Ford.

Blood and Fire!

(softly.)

Falst.

What say you, Master Broom?

Ford.

I say, you speak to my Hearts desire, for as I told you before, Sir John, if I could but plainly detect her, if I could but prove that she has been false to Ford, why I should perfectly gain my point.

Falst.

As how, Master Broom, for that particular I have forgot?

Ford.

Why then, she can pretend Virtue and Honour no longer.

Falst.

And you tell me, that you have a conceit that I can be serviceable to you in this?

Ford.

I know, Sir John, you are a man of rare parts.

Falst.

Sir!

Ford.

Of singular Learning.

Falst.

Oh Sir!

Ford.

Of incomparable Address.

Falst.

Nay, good Master Broom.

Ford.

You pass for the chief Engineer of Love, Sir John.

Falst.

Sir, I have some tolerable skill in practical Mathematicks.

Falst.

Sir, I have some tolerable skill in pratical Mathematicks.

Ford.

There is no place but what you may attack with success, as knowing the strength and weakness of all. Now if you would but—

Falst.

What, Master Broom?

Ford.

Why, if you would but as it were—a—

Falst.

Come, I'll help you out, Pimp, for you you would say.

Ford.

Oh, Sir, I hope you don't think—

Falst.

Nay, no ceremony among Friends, Master Broom, I'll do't, I'll do't, if I do not, I am a circumciz'd Jew, you shall lie with Mrs Ford to night.

Ford.

To Night!

Falst.

I say to night.

Ford. (softly)

Oh the plaguy confounded Whore!

Falst.

What say you to it, Master Broom?

Ford.

I say you could never oblige me more. Why then Ford is already—

-- 16 --

Falst.

A Cuckold, Master Broom.

Ford.

O the Devil! (aside) Nay, but without Jesting, Sir John!

(with a forc'd smile.

Falst.

An errant downright stinking Cuckold.

Ford.

La lell tera loll doll doll. (sings eagerly.)

Falst.

Speak I well, Master Broom?

Ford.

Like an Angel, (aside) with a cloven Foot? and you are positive; ha! Sir John! (with a forc'd smile) dear Sir John! (aside) damn'd Sir John.

Falst.

Am I a Gentleman? Am I a Knight? Would I lye to my Bosom Friend?

Ford.

You do me too much Honour, Sir John, Oh sink your Bosom Friendship, you Dog! (aside) Why this (with a forc'd smile) is beyond my expectation! and you are sure of it?

Falst.

Are you sure that your name is Broom? Look you, Master Broom, Ford has it here, (laying his hand to Fords Forehead) I faith he has it here with a vengeance.

Ford.

Zounds you hurt me, (pushing away Falstaffe away rudely) why this is Rare! Is not this Rare?

Fal t.

Ay, for now thy Business is done.

Ford.

It is indeed, for which I am oblig'd to you, Sir John, and I shall return the obligation (aside) With my Tuck in your Guts, you Rogue.

Falst.

Ha! my little wag!

Ford.

Ha! ha! Sir John.

Falst.

At night, my sweet wag, at night!

Ford.

Ay, at night, at night, Sir John.

Falst.

Thou shalt have the Roguish opportunity.

Ford.

Ay, Sir John, the Blessed opportunity! (aside) to pierce your Sophisticated Hogs-head, you Dog.

Falst.

Ford has got the most Fortified Forehead, and the weakest Pericranium of any Cuckold upon Christian Ground. The Rogue shall Butt with any Bull of Bashan.

Ford.

Ware Horns then I say S'blood how the Villian maul'd my head!

(softly.

Falst.

What's that, Master Broom?

Ford.

I say, you have roused me from the very Dead.

Falst.

Well, Master Broom, I must take leave of you, I must go Shave, I must go Rig. Come to me, do you see, at the Pyed Bull at Five.

Ford.

At the Pyed Bull, Sir John?

Falst.

The same.

Ford.

Why is it there that you meet?

Falst.

It is that old Squob Gentlewoman, that was here with me but now, appointed it.

Ford. (aside)

Why 'tis her own Brother who keeps that house. Do's he Pimp for his Sister? Why what a Devil of a Tribe am I matched into?

Falst.

Remember five, Master Broom.

Ford.

Do you think that I'll fail, Sir John.

Falst.

I will not think so scurvily of thee, I warrant thou art a true bred whelp, and anon at five to the Tantivy of Fords, Horn I'll enter you.

Ford.

Oh! Oh!—(aside.) I shall betray my self.

Falst.

Ha! you look pale, master Broom.

Ford.

That's with too much fire, Sir John.

Falst.

Has my Discourse warm'd you so?

-- 17 --

Ford.

Set me all in a flame, Sir John.

Falst.

Ay, for now you have gain'd your point.

Ford.

I have, and therefore I'm grown impatient.

Falst.

Ah, ha, old Boy!

Ford.

I cannot conceal the transport you have raised in me.

Falst.

Go to, you're a wag, you're a wag.

Ford.

'Sheart, I believe I shall run distracted.

Falst.

Ha! ha! Letchery! Letchery, my own case, but now, my own case, but now.

Ford.

Adzounds, how I long for Night!

Falst.

Ah Rogue, thou art of the game, e'faith, little Broom!

Ford.

But, Sir, one thing I had almost forgot, how long has Ford been a Cuckold?

Falst.

Why, ever since the Knave his Father compounded him.

Ford.

What do you mean, Sir John?

Falst.

Why, he was got under Aries, and born under Capricorn, and the Rogue his Father made him a Cuckold, by lying with the Jade his Mother.

Ford.

Oh, I understand you, then as yet he is not actually a Cuckold? (aside.) Ha! I begin to recover a little: Then as yet he is not actually a Cuckold?

Falst.

Actually a Cuckold?

Ford.

Ay.

Falst.

Humph! Actually do you say?

Ford.

Ay! Answer me to that, Sir John.

Falst.

Why then, I do positively avouch—

Ford.

Ha!

Falst.

That he is actually a Cuckold.

Ford. (aside.)

'Sdeath! The old Dog has shot me quite thro the Head again.

Falst.

For mind you me, Master Broom, since Ford is a Cuckold by Destiny, which no man you know can avoid, he is one as it were, d'e see, actually.

Ford.

You are so arch one knows not where to have you, Sir John.

Falst.

You may find me about two hours hence between a pair of Sheets, at the Bull, Master Broom.

Ford.

With Ford's Wife? ha!

Falst. (aside.)

How eager this Fellow is: This is a very Goat: I will divert my self by raising his appetite. Not actually with her in these two arms, Mr. Broom, but stretching and panting in expectation of her, while she is stripping for the encounter. Now, Master Broom, do you fancy Ford's Wife undressing herself.

Ford.

To do that won'd make me mad, Sir John.

Falst.

Her Night Gown just slipping off.

Ford.

Nay, Sir John.

Falst.

Her under Petticoat falling about her Heels.

Ford.

Nay, good Sir John?

Falst.

Her Smock-sleeves loose about her Elbows.

Ford.

Nay, dear Sir John.

Falst.

And then her Lilly white Arm stretch'd out, and her milk white Rubbies display'd.

Ford.

Nay, blood and fire, Sir John!

Falst.

The Bed-cloaths just turning up.

Ford.

Oh—oh—oh—

Falst.

And one of the Buxome Legs advanc'd to the Bedstead.

Ford.

Oh! Devil, Devil, Devil!

(stops his mouth)

-- 18 --

Falst.
Well, I will have mercy, I will have mercy.
But be sure you remember four, Master Broom.

Ford.
Did you never see Ford, Sir John?

Falst.

Not that I know of, poor Cuckoldly Knave. Yet I wrong him to call him poor: They say the Jealous Wittally Knave has mountains of Money. For the which his Wife seems to me well favour'd. I will use her as the Key of the Cuckoldly Rogue's Coffer, and there's my Harvest Home.

Ford.

I wish you knew Ford tho, that you might avoid him if you saw him.

Falst.

Hang him, Mechanical Salt Butter Rogue: I will awe him with my Cudgel. It shall hang like a Meteor o're the Cuckolds Horns. Master Broom, thou shalt know I will predominate over the Peasant, and thou shalt lye with his Wife. Come to me at five. Ford's a Knave, and I will aggravate his style. Then, Master Broom, shalt thou know him for Knave and Cuckold. Fail not at five.

Exit. SCENE V. Ford.

Ford.

What a damn'd Epicurean Rascal is this! my heart is ready to crack with Impatience: Who says this is Improvident Jealousie? My Wife has sent to him, the Hour is fixt, the match is made, would any man have thought this? See the Hell of having a false Woman: My Bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers ransack'd, my Reputation gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this Villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable names. Terms, names, Belzebuh sounds well! Lucifer well! Belial well! yet they are Devils Titles, the names of Fiends. But Cuckold, Wittal, Cuckold! The Devil himself has not such a name. Page is an Ass, a secure Ass, he will trust his Wife, he'll not be jealous, I will rather trust a Dutch man with my Trade, a Frenchman with my Lands and Tenements, an Irishman with my Secret, or a Spaniard with making my Last Will and Testament, than my Wife with herself. Then she Plots, then she Ruminates, then she Devises; and when she is going, she has a Proverb on her side. Heaven be prais'd for my Jealousie. Five o'th' clock is the Hour. I will prevent this, detect my Wife, be reveng'd on Falstaffe, and laugh at Page, fie, fie, fie, Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold.

Scene changes to the Park. Evans, Simple.

Evans.

I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving man, and Friend Simple by your name, which way have you look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physick.

Simple.

Marry Sir, the pity wary, the Parkward, old Windsor way, and ev'ry way but the Town way.

Evans.

I most vehemently desire you, you will also look that way.

Simple.

I will, Sir.

Exit Simple.

Evans.

Pless my Soul, how full of Cholars I am and Trempling of mind, I shall be glad if he have deceiv'd me: How melancholick I am? I will break his Urinal about his Knaves Costard, when I have good opportunities for the orke. (sings.) Pless my Soul, to shallow Rivers to whose falls, melodious Birds sing Madrigals. There will we make our Beds of Roses, and a thousand fragant Posies. (To Shallow) Mercy on me, I have a great disposition to cry: When as I sat in Babylon, and a thousand fragant Posies.

Enter Simple.

Simple.

Yonder he is coming this way, Sir Hugh.

Evans.

He welcome, Shallow Rivers to whose falls. Heav'n prosper the right, what Weapons is he?

-- 19 --

Simple.

No Weapons, Sir, there comes my Master, and Mr Shallow and another Gentleman from Frogmore, over the Style this way.

Evans.

Pray you give me my Gown, or else keep it in your Arms.

Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Rugby.

Shall.

How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh; keep a Gamester from the Dice, and a good Student from his Book, and it is wonderful.

Slend.

Ah sweet Ann Page.

Page.

Save you, good Sir Hugh.

Evans.

Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you.

Shall.

What? the Sword and the Word? Do you study them both, Mr Parson?

Page.

And youthful still, in your Doublet and Hose, this raw Rheumatick Day?

Evans.

There is reasons and causes for it.

Page.

We are come to you, to do a good office, Mr Parson.

Evans.

Fary well, what is it?

Page.

Yonder is a most Reverend Gentleman, who (belike) having received wrong by some Person, is at most ods with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw,

Shall.

I have lived fourscore years and upward, yet I never heard a man of his Place Gravity and Learning, so wide of his own respect.

Evans.

What is he?

Page.

I think you know him, Mr Doctor Caius, the renown'd French Physician.

Evans.

Gods will, and his Passion of my Heart, I had as lief you would tell me of of Mess of Porrage.

Page.

Why?

Evans.

He, has we more knowledge in Hebocrates and Galen, and he is a Knave besides; a Cowardly Knave, as you would desire to be acquainted withal.

Page.

I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

Slend.

O sweet Ann Page.

Shall.

It appears so by his Weapons, keep them asunder, here comes Doctor Caius.

Page.

Nay, good Mr Parson, keep in your Weapon.

Shall.

So do you, good Mr Doctor.

Host.

Disarm them, and let them question, let them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.

Caius.

I pray you, let me speak a word with your Ear, wherefore will you not meet a me?

Evans.

Pray you use your Patience, in a good time.

Caius.

Begar, you are de Coward, de Jack Dog, John Ape.

Evans.

Pray you let's not be laughing-stocks to other Mens Humours, I desire you in Friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends: I will knock your Urinal about your Knaves Coxcomb.

Caius.

Diable Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him, to kill him? Have I not been at de place I did apoint.

Evans.

As I am a Christian Soul, now look you, this is the place appointed. I'll be Judgment by mine Host of the Garter.

Host.

Peace I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, Soul Curer, and Body Curer.

Caius.

I dat is very good, excellaunt.

Host.

Peace I say: Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am I a Politick? Am I Subtile? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my Doctor? No, he gives me the Potions and the Motions. Shall I lose my Parson? My Priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the

-- 20 --

Proverbs and the Noverbs. Give me thy hand Celestial; so Boys of Art I have deceived you both: I have directed you both to the wrong places: Your Hearts arc mighty, your Skins are whole, and let burnt Sack be the Issue: Come, lay their Swords to pawn, follow me Lads of Peace, follow, follow, follow.

Shall.

Trust me, a mad Host, follow Gentlemen, follow.

Slend.

O sweet Ann Page!

Exeunt Host, Caius, Rugby.

Shall.

Well remembred, Cousin Slender. Master Page, a word with you.

Page.

Your will, Mr Justice.

Shall.

We have spoke to you about a match, between your Daughter and my Cousin Slender here, and anon we expect your answer.

Page.

Let us go talk of it over a Pint, there is very good Sherry at the Bull.

Shall.

My Cousin and I are engaged to meet some Tenants, but at seven let us meet and Sup there, and pray let your fair Daughter be there.

Page.

She shall.

End of the Second Act. ACT. III. SCENE. I. Bull-Inn. Mrs Ford, Host of the Bull, Servants.

Host.

S'life! he's just coming down the Street. Why Jack, Robin, Will.

Mrs Ford.

Quickly, quickly, is the Buck-Basket—

Serv.

Here, here Mistress.

Host.

Come, come, quick, quick, set it down Lads.

Mrs Ford.

Well! be sure to stand four of you ready in the Hall, and upon the very first ring of the Bell, to come and take this Basket on your Shoulders, and to run with it in all haste to the Thames and empty it in shoal water.

Host.

Well! thou wer't always a mad Girl!

Mrs Ford.

Brother Will you take care to see your Men follow their directions!

Host.

Do I Love laughter? Was I ever out at a Mad frolick in my Life!

Mrs Ford.

My Husband and you are Comrades.

Host.

We toss a Can together sometimes.

Mrs Ford.

You have promised to hide this frolick from my Husband, till I tell you 'tis Ripe for discovery.

Host.

I will no more tell him, than thou would'st make a discovery to him thy self, if thou should'st Cuckold him in earnest.

Mrs Ford.

And you have strictly ordered your Servants to be secret?

-- 21 --

Host.

Upon pain of Cashiering, Girl—but see the Knight, I leave thee to him.

Exit.

Mrs Ford.

Softly. Desire Mrs Page to get ready, as soon as she can.

Enter Falstaffe.

Falst.

Have I caught thee, my Heavenly Jewel? Why now let me dye, for I have lived long enough. This is the period of my Ambition, O Blessed hour!

Mrs Ford.

O sweet Sir John!

Falst.

Mrs Ford: I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mrs Ford, now shall I Sin in my wish; I would thy Husband were dead, I'll speak it before the best Lord, I would make thee my Lady.

Mrs Ford.

I your Lady, Sir John, alas, I should make a pitiful Lady.

Falst.

Let the whole Court of France shew me such another, I see how thine eye would Emulate the Diamond. Thou hast the right arched Beauty of the Brow, that becomes the lofty Topping.

Mrs Ford.

A plain Kerchiff, Sir John, my Brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.

Falst.

Thou art a Tyrant to say so. Thou would'st make an absolute Courtier and the firm fixure of thy Foot would give an excellent motion to thy Gate in a Semicirled Farthingale. Fortune has not been so much thy Foe, but Nature has been more thy Friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

Mrs Ford.

Believe me, there's no such thing in me.

Falst.

What made me Love thee? Let that perswade thee, that there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog, and say, thou art this, and that, like a many of these lisping Hawthorn Birds, that come like Women in Mens Apparel, and smell like Bucklers-berry in Simpling-time. I cannot, but, I Love thee, and none but thee, and thou deserv'st it.

Mrs Ford.

Do not betray me, Sir, I am afraid you Love Mrs Page.

Falst.

Thou may'st as well say, I Love to walk by the Counter Gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a Lime-Kill.

Mrs Ford.

Well, Heaven knows how I Love you, and you shall one day be sensible of it.

Falst.

Keep in that mind, I'll deserve it.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, that is taken for granted, Sir John, and therefore I pretend to bestow no favour on you, but only to do you Justice.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Madam, here is Captain Dingboy would speak with you.

Mrs Ford.

Mercy on me!

Falst.

Which of the Dingboy's? Dingboy of the Bishoprick?

Mrs Ford.

Sirrah! How durst you tell him I was here?

Serv.

He was drinking in one of the Rooms when you came in, and it seems saw you as he past by.

Mrs Ford.

Tell him that I can't possible speak with him now, for I am about some private Business.

Serv.

I told him so before. But Rot him, and Sink him, he'll come up, he says. He says you ought not to be about private business with any one but himself.

Mrs Ford.

Why what a Raskal is this, Sir John? You say you Love me.

Falst.

Do I Love Sherry? Do I Love Sack and Sugar? Thou art sweeter to me than either of them.

-- 22 --

Mrs Ford.

Then let me desire you to step behind that Screen for a moment, for this is the most detracting, foul mouth'd, impudent Fellow. If he should but find you in the Room, he'd Swear at the Market Cross, he saw you a Bed with me.

Falst.

Why what a Rogue 'tis? Shall I terrifie him a little with my Cudgel?

Mrs Ford.

Ah! wou'd to Heaven you would! This is one of your Bully Rocks forsooth. So Impudent a fellow, that he will perswade a Woman, who tells him she scorns and loaths him, that she lay with him the night before.

Falst.

Sweet Heart say no more! I will cut the Rascal so small—I will mince him.

Mrs Ford.

Ah! but Sir John, I love you better than to venture you so, I must be cautious of your person, and you must take care of my Reputation—Hark I hear him coming, if you love me, step, step, step behind the Screen a little.

Enter Mrs Page, drest like an Officer, Falstaffe retires behind the Screen.

Mrs Ford.

So, Captain!

Mrs Page.

So, Mrs Ford!

Falst.

Hey day! what Stripling? What Abridgment of Man have we here?

Mrs Ford.

What Business brings you hither, Captain?

Mrs Page.

Can't you guess!

Mrs Ford.

No truly.

Mrs Page.

Why the very same that I had when I was here last with you.

Mrs Ford.

When was that pray?

Mrs Page.

Have you forgot? Come, come, come into the Bed Chamber, and I'll refresh your Memory. Are you alone?

Mrs Ford.

No, I have a very toublesom Impudent Fool with me.

Mrs Page.

Demme! meaning me, ha! Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

Let those that deserve it, take it to themselves.

Mrs Page.

Demme! I shall beat your Cuckold for this.

Falst.

What Taylors yard is this?

Mrs Page.

Nay, but dear Mrs Ford, now, why should you oblige me to force Nature now, and be out of Humour in spight of my Teeth. Upon my Soul I am inclin'd to be the best Natur'd Creature in the World, now, by this Kiss I am.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, Captain.

Mrs Page.

And this.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, fie Captain.

Mrs Page.

And this.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, dear Captain.

Falst.

If I remain conceal'd a little longer, Ford and I are like to be Brothers, a way that I did not dream of. They are at it as close as Cockles, a Plague on them.

Mrs Page.

Prethee my dear sweet Creature come into the next Room now.

Mrs Ford.

Heark! As I hope to Live, I hear somebody coming up Stairs. Nay, as I hope to Breath don't offer it. I expect my Husband every moment, and some Company with him.

Mrs Page.

Well! will you promise to meet me anon there?

Mrs Ford.

I will.

Mrs Page.

At seven!

Mrs Ford.

At seven! To be rid of you now. (turning to Falstaffe.)

Mrs Page.

But may not I know who comes with your Husband?

Mrs Ford.

I don't know them all myself, Sir John Falstaffe is one.

Mrs Page.

Sir John Falstaffe! Ha, ha, I am just now come from the Prince and

-- 23 --

Poyns, with whom I have had such a Banquet of Laughter at that fat Fool

Falst.

what says the Baboon?

Mrs Ford.

At him?

Mrs Page.

Oh! he's a perpetual Jest, an everlasting Comedy; But there have lately happened two such ridiculons accidents, as might make a Carthusian merry.

Mrs Ford.

To Sir John? What were they, pray?

Mrs Page.

Why yesterday night, there was a Bastard laid to him by the Parish Fool of Bray yonder. And this very morning he entred into a course of Physick for a Distemper he got two nights ago of a Costermongers Daughters at Eaton.

Falst.

Villain thou liest: In thy Throat thou liest.

Mrs P.

Have mercy upon me!

Falst.

Marry and Amen, for thou hast not three minutes to live.

Mrs Page.

What have we here a Ghost?

Falst.

You make fat Ghosts, you Raskal; I'll make you feel that I am no Ghost.

Mrs Page.

Thou art in the right of it; he were a Devil that could take thee for a Ghost: But demme, if you are not a Ghost, I'll make you one.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, good Captain.

Mrs Page.

Let me come.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, dear Sir John.

Falst.

Stand off Woman, do you think I'll be come over thus by a younker. Sirrah, 'tis thou that appearest like a Ghost, yet hast not half the substance of one. For thou art neither Flesh nor Spirit, thou Vapour, thou Shadow, thou bungling sign-post Picture of man.

Mrs Page.

Why, thou great incumbrance upon a little Soul, thou walking Dunghil, thou Stalking Nonsence, thou Rumbling Dung-Cart of Butchers Offal, thou Insect magnify'd, that lookst monstrous to the Eye, and to the Mind art nothing.

Falst.

Why, thou Upright Weasil, thou Rabbit a Tiptoe, thou Jack in a Lanthorn without Light! Thou Famines Fool! Thou Apparition of a Doit! Thou Idea of an Ass!

Mrs Page.

Peace, you fat Fool! Peace, you Goblin Incarnate. As Wisdom was the offspring of Jove's Brain, Folly is the legitimate Daughter of thine. Thou never offerst to speak but thou art the very Mountain in Labour, and whenever thou bringst forth, thou art laugh'd at.

Falst.

Why thou Whimsey, thou Dream! thou Illusion! thou Dream of a Whimsey! Oh for a little more Breath! Oh for some Wind of utterance!

Falst.

Breath? Ay, I'll give you Breath. I'll stop your scandalous Wind-pipe, o u Dog.

Enter Servant like a Souldier.

Serv.

Captain, I desire a word in private with you.

Mrs Pa.

Friend, I am in no humour at present to have any thing said to me in private.

Serv.

Captain, what I have to say concerns you near.

Mrs Pa.

And your holding your Tongue, Sir, concerns you nearer, for if you say any thing more to me I'll break your head.

Serv.

Captain, I love you, and must speak.

Mrs Pa.

Sirrah, Love your self, and be gone.

Serv.

Yes, I will be gone; but first I will speak. The Officer that you pistoll'd last night at Colebook is dead of his wounds.

Mrs Pa.

How? Dead!

-- 24 --

Serv.

Captain, he's Dead: And there are no less than ten Officers in search of you. Look you, if you'll take care of your self you may; if not, why who a pox cares, if you go to that.

Mrs Pa.

Demme, Dead! I'm in danger enough then. What must I do? Hold! Let me consider a little.

Falst. while Mrs Page walks musing)

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Ford.

Softlier, Sir John!

Falst.

Who wou'd have thought this Man of Lath had been such a Kill-cow.

Mrs Ford.

Oh, 'tis the most desperate Villain upon Earth! This is the fourth man that he has murder'd.

Falst.

Humh!

Mrs Ford.

You see I was forc'd to let him have his Humour. Wou'd to Heaven we were both out of his hands!

Falst.

Wou'd I were fairly dead Drunk at the Garter.

Mrs Pa.

Mrs Ford, you heard what this Fellow told me, 'twill be dangerous to stay much longer here.

Mrs Ford.

Ay! pray be gone.

Mrs Page.

Would I were fairly out of the Town.

Mrs Ford.

Ay so do I with all my Soul.

Mrs Page.

I'd give 50 l. I were fairly in the Netherlands.

Falst.

In Lucifers I say.

(aside)

Mrs Ford.

I'd give a hundred you were in the Indies.

Mrs Page.

You would, you say, Mrs Ford. Come, come, we understand your meaning.

Mrs Ford.

What shall be my meaning but your safety?

Mrs Page.

Do you take me to be such a credulous Block-head? No! drown you! you want to be left with your Paramour here, that you may gratifie your base desire, and Triumph on the misfortunes of poor Dingboy. But since I must be forc'd to sly, I'll do something more to deserve it, and perhaps, Mrs Ford, you may mourn in earnest. Cogmagog there shall have no cause to Brag. Rot me, thou art a fair mark, and have at thee.

(Discharging a Pistol, Falstaffe falls.)

Mrs Ford.

Ay me! you have kill'd him.

Mrs Page.

No, D&wblank; him, the Dog is not Dead yet. But I'll take care that he shall be. This I'll discharge at his very Heart.

(Offering to clap a Pistol to Falstaffe's Breast as he lyes along, who runs roaring along the Stage.)

Mrs Ford. (Interposing)

What do you mean, Captain, by this?

Mrs Page.

I'll have his Blood, his Blood.

Mrs Ford.

His Blood! for what?

Mrs Page.

He is my Rival, and he dies for't

Mrs Ford.

Why an old Spainard with a young Wife, was never so ridiculously jealous.

Mrs Page.

What was he conceal'd for? What came he hither for? Answer me that.

(Walks about.)

Mrs Ford.

Sir John!

Falst.

My Dear!

Mrs Ford.

I have thought of a way to save your Life, but be sure you second me.

Falst.

I warrant thee.

Mrs Ford.

Why, can you think I am in Love with this Knight? Prithee survey him, Captain, a little. Is this a Creature for a Woman to Love? Why he has been a Jest and a By-word, among all the Women that ever knew him.

-- 25 --

Mrs Page.

How?

Falst.

The Truth's the Truth, I have—

Mrs Ford.

What, jealous of me with a Porpus, Captain? If my Desires cou'd be so preposterous, yet how the Devil cou'd I bring it about?

Falst.

Consider that, Captain, consider that.

Mrs Page.

A Porpus! 'Sdeath no fooling with me! He came hither to lye with you, for which he dyes.

(Presents the Pistol)

Falst.

Oh, oh, oh—

Mrs Ford.

Nay, but hear me a little.

Mrs Page.

Hear you a little! What shou'd I hear?

Mrs Ford.

Hear me but a moment.

Mrs Page.

You may talk, Mrs Ford, but you shall find that when I am resolv'd upon cutting a throat, I'll not be baulk'd in my Humour.

Falst.

His Humour quotha! a plague upon his Humour! Why whom have we here, one of Nym's Brethren?

(aside.)

Mrs Page.

Well! But what have you to say?

Mrs Ford.

Why, I am confident that Sir John here cou'd not find in his heart to lye with me, or any other woman whatever.

Mrs Page.

No, I warrant! he has it not in his power.

Falst.

You have hit it, I have not i'faith.

Mrs Ford.

I don't believe he knows what a wicked desire is.

Falst.

If I do! I am a Villain. If I have not forget whether Lust be a pleasure or a pain, I am no two legg'd Creature.

Mrs Page.

How?

Falst.

About two years ago I got to bed to a Cheesemongers Wife, and if I was not canted out of bed by her, and kick'd like a Football for downright Frigidity, may I be beaten, till from Plump Jack I dwindle to Poor John.

Mrs Page.

'Sdeath! no fooling with me! This is an evident plot to a abuse me.

Enter Servant like a Souldier.

Serv.

Captain! Captain!

Mrs Page.

The matter?

Serv.

The man of the House bids me tell you, that Mr Ford is two or three doors off, and designs to be here immediately.

Mrs Page.

Ha! This is something unlucky: This unexpected accident obliges me to alter my measures. Well, Sir John, you say that you had no design upon Mrs Ford?

Falst.

Upon my Knighthood none in the least.

Mrs Page.

Why then, look you, we are Pylades and Orestes; and to shew thee how heartily I am reconcil'd to thee, give me thy hand, old Boy: Thou shalt do the office of a Friend for me. Thou wilt do it? Ha!

Falst.

Why, what wou'd not a man do, you know, to oblige so loving a Friend?

Mrs Page.

Being oblig'd to fly, for Reasons that have been hinted to you, I wou'd willingly take my leave of this Gentlewoman in private. Now we are threatned with a little Interruption, do you see; and therefore I conjure thee upon our Friendship, do you see; that while she and I are in the next Room together, thou would'st stand here for a minute Centry, do you see; and give me notice of the Husband's approach, do you see!

Falst.

Why, considering the Friendship that has past between us, do you see;

-- 26 --

thou makest me a modest and reasonable Request: But being Pimp in Ordinary to the Royal Family; do you see, Prince Hall has sworn me to confine my Talent to that.

Mrs Page.

Demme what do you mean, Sir? Do you think that this Vertuous Gentlewoman —Look you, the time presses, either resolve to do it, or—you understand me—Come, Mrs Ford.

Mrs Ford.

Why what do you mean, Captain?

Mrs Page.

To shoot the Knight thro the Head there, if you say but a Syllable more. Stay, I'll see if the Coast is clear.

(Looks out)

Falst.

Mrs Ford!

Mrs Ford.

My Dear!

Falst.

What do you resolve to do?

Mrs Ford.

To save you, Sir John, whatever comes of it.

Falst.

Why look you now! Who says that this is not a loving, charitable, tender-hearted Creature?

Mrs Ford.

Why, my Dear, do you think that I can resolve to see you shot thro the Head?

Falst.

No, I'll say that for her, she'll rather choose to be run thro the Body herself.

Mrs Ford.

Why 'tis but Humouring him, you know, for a moment.

Falst.

Nothing in the versal world else. Nay, the Captain will be for Humouring you too.

(Mrs Page returns)

Mrs Page.

Well, I see the Coast is clear. Come, Mrs Ford, let us go in quickly.

Mrs Ford.

Ah Dear Sir John, you see what I do to preserve you.

Falst.

I do indeed, I see it plainly, out of stark love and kindness for me, she's going to lye with the Captain. Exeunt Mrs Ford and Mrs Page. If I shou'd fall away in my Carcass suddenly as I am sunk in my Circumstances, my Skin wou'd hang as awkwardly about me as a Buff Jerkin does about a Taylor Militant. I came hither a bold-fac'd vigorous Whore-master, and by the management of this plaguy Bully, whom Heaven confound, I am I know not how in a Trice, Hictius Doctius'd, Hocus Pocus'd into a sneaking contemplative Pimp. If it shou'd come to the ear of the Court how I have been transform'd, they would melt me out of my Fat drop by drop, and liquor Fishermens Boots with me. I warrant they wou'd whip me with their fine Wits, till I was crest-faln as a dryed Pear. I never prosper'd since I forswore my self at Premero. Well, if my wind were but long enough I wou'd repent: For what has happen'd looks like a Judgment upon me. For, what brought thee hither, ask thy self that question, old Jack? Why, Varity, Covetousness and Letchery. And how hast thou been pepper'd in all three? At the very time that thou hast been yearning to be at performance, thou hast been forc'd in the very face of the party to make a Libel upon thy Impotence. There's for thy Vanity, a plaguy Mortification! And at the very moment that thou wer't going to dig for the Oar, a Rakehell in Red, before thy very eyes, came and took possession of the Mine. There's for thy Covetousness. A Jerker i'faith. And in the Height and Rage of thy own Desire, thou art here standing very foolishly, and holding the Door for another. Another Devilish Mortification. They are at it, I warrant you, helter skelter by this time. Well! May Carbuncles and Rubies reward their Labour! Sack and Sugar is sweet. Nay, faith, very sweet. But Revenge is sweeter than Sack and Sugar. Then will I softly steal down stairs, and forthwith disclose the Bully Rock to the Constable.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Sir, my Master sent me to see whither you are alone and at leisure.

-- 27 --

Falst.

Prithee what is thy Master, Fellow?

Serv.

Oh Sir, an humble Servant of yours, who designs to surprize you.

Falst.

Well! but what is his business, Friend?

Serv.

Why, Sir, he bad me tell you, that if you were alone and at leisure, Sir, for he hates to do any thing rudely, or, as I may say, indencently, Sir; but as I was saying, if you were alone, and at leisure, he would do himself the Honour to come and—stick a Toledo in your Guts, Sir!

Falst.

Surprize me! Marry, and so he has, Fellow thy Embassy relish'd well at the first going down, but it hath a Villanous after-taste, a Whorson twang of the Boracho. Prithee once more what is his Name? Nay, a Plague on thee, speak with the inside of thy Mouth, and explain that Damnable grin a little.

Serv.

Sir, he strictly enjoyn'd me silence as to the point in question, but since I hear him at the bottom of the Stairs, and half a dozen Friends with him, who are as Zealous to do you service, as he can possibly be for his Life, I think I may venture to tell you that his Name is Ford, Sir—

Falst.

Ford! and at the bottom of the Stairs, I shall make bold to secure the door here.

Serv.

Sir, I beseech you Sir.

(Struggling with him.)

Falst.

Fellow, stand away.

Serv.

Nay I hope you won't offer it, Sir?

Falst.

Why thou soft Tongue'd Rascal stand off

Serv.

Nay, I protest, Sir, I cannot suffer it: Lord, Sir, why will you give your self this unnecessary Trouble!

Falst.

Why Sirrah! thou Villain! What shall I do? Why Mrs Ford! Captain! Mrs Ford! Captain Dingboy!

Mrs Ford. within.

We come presently, Sir John.

(in a squeaking tone.)

Falst.

A plague of your Caterwawling!

Mrs Ford. (entering with Mrs Page)

What's the matter?

Falst.

The matter! Why, your Husband is coming to cut my Throat, to be reveng'd of the Captain there.

Mrs Ford.

My Husband! Bless me! Where is he?

Falst.

Where is he? Coming up stairs he is, with all the Cuckolds of the Hundred along with him. Reasonable people I have to deal with, very reasonable people. You lye with the Captain there out of kindness to me: And because the Capiain's Blood is in Vagaries, old Jack, forsooth, must have his Jugular Veins open'd.

Mrs Page.

Well! but what shall we do?

Serv.

Sir, my Master has nothing to say to any one but Sir John.

Mrs Ford.

What shall we do with Sir John then? But perhaps this is a false alarm; for methinks they are a long time a coming.

Serv.

Oh Madam, never trust to that: That is because the Landlord is struggling with him at the bottom of the Stairs, and endeavouring to disswade him. They are resolv'd to search all the House for Sir John here.

Mrs Ford.

Alas! What shall we do?

Mrs Page.

Look! Here's a Basket. If it will contain him, he may creep in there, and you may throw foul Linnen upon him, as if he were going to Bucking.

Mrs Ford.

He's too big to go in there. What shall we do? Hark, as I live, they're coming up stairs.

(Great noise without)

-- 28 --

Falst.

Let me see't, let me see't, oh let me see't, I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friends advice.

(creeps in, they cover him.)

Mrs Ford.

Why Jack, Will, Robin, come take up these Cloaths here quickly, and carry them to the Buck-beaters at the Water-side, and be sure you see them well wash'd and beaten, do you hear? Sirrah, thou hast acted admirably (to the Servant) Upon my Life here's my Husband indeed.

As they are taking up the Basket, enter Ford, Page, Host and others.

Ford.

Never tell me, I'll do't.

Host.

But Brother—

Ford.

Folly must have due its Chastisement.

Page.

But Neighbour!—

Ford.

I'll shew you what 'tis to be a Husband indeed, Neighbour; you have no Discipline, no Authority. By Jove now, you shall see some body swing'd. I'll shew you what 'tis to be a Husband indeed. You shall see some body swing'd.

Host.

But, good Brother.

Ford.

Say no more, Brother, Folly must have its due chastisement. How now, (to the Servants) whither are you going with this?

Serv.

To the Buck-beaters, an't please you.

Mrs Ford.

Why, what have you to do whither they go with it? You had best meddle with Buck-washing.

Ford.

Buck? I wou'd I cou'd wash my self of the Buck. Buck, Buck, Buck? Ay, Buck. I warrant you Buck, and of the season too. It shall appear. Begone Rascals. (Exeunt Servants.) Stay, first let me stop this way. Now I warrant I unkennel the Fox. Ha! what art thou?

(To Mrs Page.)

Mrs Page.

Why, what hast thou to do to enquire?

Mrs Ford.

Why, Sir, as I take it, this civil Gentlewoman is my Wife.

Mrs Page.

What, and you are jealous, I warrant? Hey! where are my Dogs there? (Enter two Servants like Souldiers) Here, lay hold upon this Fellow. Let each take hold of an Arm; what, you are Jealous, you Blockhead; take that

Beats him

Mrs Ford.

Nay, Captain.

Mrs Page.

And that.

Mrs Ford.

Nay, what do you mean?

Mrs Page.

And that, you Dog?

Mrs Ford.

Why, are you mad, Captain?

Mrs Page.

You are Jealous, you Blockhead! Sirrah, your Wife's a Virtuous Wife, and a civil, obliging, sweet temper'd Creature: Take notice I say so, and let me hear no more of your suspicions.

Ford.

Very good, Gentlemen! Did not I tell you this, Gentlemen? Pray tell me what you can say to this, Gentlemen?

Page.

Why this 'tis to be a Husband indeed, Neighbour.

Host.

Brother, we have seen some body swing'd.

Page.

Neighbour, Folly must have its due Chastisement.

Ford.

Say ye so? Then I'll try a fall with your Bully yet.

(closes on a sudden with Mrs Page her Hat and Peruke fly off, she squeaks, and she and Mrs Ford Exeunt.

Host.

Mercy upon me, Mrs Page!

Page.

E'en my Wife, as I hope to breathe! And hast thou been cudgell'd by a Woman, my Cully?

Host.

Come, never look sneakingly for the matter, Brother, it has been many a brave Fellows case, as well as thine.

-- 29 --

Page.

It has indeed, Hercules himself was drubb'd with a Distaff.

Ford.

Hearke! by Jove ye shall hear from me suddenly.

Page.

Hey day, whither away?

Host.

Let's follow him.

The End of the Third Act. ACT IV. SCENE I. The Bull. Ford. Host.

Ford.

A Frolick!

Host.

I tell you a meer Frolick.

Ford.

A Frolick to break both one's Shoulder Blade Bones! And thus I return your Frolick.

Strikes him.

Host.

Nay, Brother, what do you mean?

Ford.

Nay, nothing but a Frolick.

Host.

Why, Brother?

Ford.

A meer Frolick.

Striking him.

Host.

Hear me a little.

Ford.

No, Sir, I ll hear nothing, I have felt too much.

Host.

Hear me but a word.

Ford.

What should I hear?

Host.

I must wheadle him to get out of his Hands, and to be reveng'd. I tell you this, at the first was design'd to be an Innocent Frolick; but something has lately happened, that has made me repent of it from the very bottom of my Soul.

Ford.

That is, that you have been beaten for it.

Host.

I tell you I have made a discovery.

Ford.

What discovery?

Host.

Look you, Brother, you have your Whimsies and your Vagaries, but still you are my Brother and my Friend, Look you, nay, my dear Friend, and it goes to my very Soul to see you abus'd, I cannot see you wrong'd, tho she were twenty times my Sister.

Ford.

Why, pray what of your Sister?

Host.

Why, it seems, she has had a meeting here with Sir John Falstaffe.

Ford.

She has? And are not you a pretty Fellow to suffer such a meeting in your House? Oh you Pander, you Beast! What Pimp for your own Sister?

Host.

Nay, good Brother, I knew nothing of it till the business was over.

Ford.

Till the business was over! Very good! Till the business was over! When was this business pray?

Host.

Why, they were together since you were in the House.

Ford.

'Tis impossible.

Host.

'Tis certain.

-- 30 --

Ford.

How could he escape me!

Host.

By a very ridiculous accident.

Ford.

Where is he now?

Host.

Shifting himself below by the Parlour Fire.

Ford.

Shifting himself! Bless me, what will become of me? (aside.) Has he so much occasion for shifting then?

Host.

He is so wet, that you may take him, and ring him again.

Ford.

He has been at Dev'lish hard exercise.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Is there one Mr Broom here?

Host.

No, Sirrah!

Ford.

Sirrah, who asks for him?

Serv.

Sir John Falstaffe.

Ford.

Tell him there is, and desire him to walk up.

Host.

What do you mean, Brother?

Ford.

Why, my name is Broom?

Host.

Broom?

Ford.

Ay, Broom, if you are my Friend, as you say you are, my name is Broom, do you see. I have told all your Servants so, I have had an Item of what you tell me, and am come to Fathom the Knight.

Host.

I understand you.

Ford.

And you will be true to me?

Host.

I will upon my Soul: But here comes the Knight, I leave you to him.

Ex. Host. Enter Falstaffe, Drawer.

Falst.

Drawer, I say.

Draw.

Here, Sir.

Falst.

Go fetch me a quart of Sack, put a Tost in it. (Exit Drawer.) Have I lived to be carried in a Basket like a Barrow of Butchers offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my Brains ta'n out and Butter'd, and give them to a Dog for a New years Gift.

(Enter Drawer with Sack.

Ford.

Bless you, Sir.

Falst.

Now, Master Broom, you come to know what hath past between me and Fords Wife?

Ford.

That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Falst.

Let us do nothing rashly, Master Broom, a Bumper to you, Master Broom, I will not lie to you. (Drinks) We met together here at the time appointed.

Ford.

What, since I saw you?

Falst.

Just now, I tell you.

Ford.

Very good!

Falst.

We met and embrac'd, and kiss'd and protested, and spoke the Prologue to our Amorous Play.

Ford.

And so the Curtain was pull'd up, and the Play begun?

Falst.

Not so fast, Master Broom?

Ford.

Why, how then, Sir John?

Falst.

Why, before I could bring the business to bear, you must know, that as the Devil would have it, while I was rapt with my expectation of being taken up into Paradice, and plung'd over Head and Ears in delight, why I was hoisted upon the Shoulders of six Brawny Slaves, carried, Master Broom, to the Waterside, and so us'd over Head and Ears in the Thames Water.

-- 31 --

Ford.

How? O blessed turn! I can hardly contain my joy.

(aside.)

Falst.

Drawer, take away these Chalices; go Brew me a Pottle of Sack finely.

Draw.

With Eggs, Sir?

Falst.

Simple of itself.

Ford.

Well, and how, Sir John? Ha!

Falst.

Why, Master Broom, if I tell you a Syllable of a Lye, spit in my Face, call me Horse: The Rogues slighted me into the River with as little Remorse, as they would have drown'd a blind Bitches Puppies, fifteen in the litter. And you may know by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as Hell I should down. I had been drown'd, but that the shore was Shelvy and Shallow, a death that I abhor, for the Water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled, I should have been a Mountain of Mummy.

Ford.

Ha! but how could this happen, Sir John? Did Ford's Wife change her determination?

Falst.

No, Master Broom, but the Peaking Cornuto her Husband, Master Broom, dwelling in a continual alarum of Jealousie, comes me in the instant of our being together, and at his Heels a rabble of his Companions, thither provok'd, and instigated by his Distemper, and forsooth to search the House for his Wifes Love.

Ford.

What, while you were here?

Falst.

While I was here.

Ford.

And did he search for you, and could not find you?

Falst.

You shall hear: As good luck would have it, in comes a Servant, and gives notice of Ford's approach, and in a little Dapper Bullies invention, and Ford's Wives distraction, they convey'd me into a Buck-basket.

Ford.

A Buck-basket?

Falst.

Yea! a Buck-basket; ramm'd me in with foul Shirts and Smocks, Socks, foul Stockings, greasie Napkins, that, Master Broom, there was the rankest Compound of villanous smell that ever offended Nostril.

Ford.

And how long lay you there?

Falst.

Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I have suffer'd to bring this Woman to evil, for your good. Being thus cramm'd in the basket, six lusty Slaves, as I told you before, were called to carry me in the name of foul Cloaths to the bucking. They took me on their Shoulders, met the jealous Cuckoldly Knave Ford in the door, who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket? I quak'd for fear, lest the Lunatick Knave would have searched it. But fate ordaining he should be a Cuckold, held his hand: Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for Foul Cloaths: But mark the sequel, Master Broom, I suffer'd the pangs of three several Deaths. First, an intolerable fright, to be detected by a jealous rotten Belweather; next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference of a peck, Hilt to Point, Heel to Head. And then to be stopt in like a strong distillation, with stinking Cloaths that fretted in their own Grease. Think of that, a man of my Kidney, think of that. I that am as subject to heat as Butter, a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It was a miracle to scape Suffocation; and in the height of this Bath, when I was more than half stew'd in Grease, (like a Dutch Dish) to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd glowing hot, in that Serge like a Horshoe, Hissing hot think of that, Master Broom.

Ford.

Ha, ha, (aside.) I can hardly forbear laughing. Why this comes of dallying, Sir John, why did not you urge your success at the first?

-- 32 --

Falst.

Urge my success! why there's it. Why I did urge my success you must know; but the Devil urged against me at the same time. For between my first meeting Mrs Ford and the Cuckolds arrival, there happened things, Master Broom, that shame will not let me disclose.

Ford.

We should conceal nothing from our Friends, Sir John?

Falst.

Why you are in the right of it. I faith we should not, you must know then, that just as we had spoke the Prologue to our Play, and Tory rory was about to begin, there comes me in a swaggerer, a disbanded Officer, with half a dozen swinging Rogues at his Heels; knocks me down flat before I was aware; while his crew of Ragamuffins bound me hand and foot in a trice.

Ford.

Ha! a little Dapper Fellow, with a red Feather in his Cap.

Falst.

A Dapper Fellow, why do you think I am to be come over thus by a Dapper Fellow, if he was not seven foot high at least I am a Jew, an Hebrew Jew. A lie for the credit of my Courage is lawful.

(aside.)

Ford.

Well! and what follow'd upon your being bound, Sir John?

Falst.

Why, my Hectoring Officer seizes me upon Fords Wife, and conveys her into the next Room.

Ford.

Into the Bed-chamber?

Falst.

Into the Bed chamber.

Ford.

Zounds, and why did not you cry out?

Falst.

Yea, marry, to whom?

Ford.

To whom? To the man of the House.

Falst.

A Rogue, a very Rogue! He will Pimp for his Grandmother. Why this to him is Ale and Nutmeg. Why did I not cry out quotha? Why did not she cry out, if you go to that?

Ford.

'Sheart, if the Master is such a Rascal, why did not you call to the Servants?

Falst.

Yea marry, with a Gag in my Chops.

Ford.

Were you Gagg'd?

Falst.

With a Gag of at least 5 inches long, or I am an errant Villain.

Ford.

Mercy upon me!

Falst.

You see what I have suffered for your sake, Master Broom?

Ford.

The very thoughts distracts me. How long were they in the Bed Chamber together?

Falst.

Till the Cuckolds arrival, upon which I was basketed, as I told you before.

Ford.

Oh—Oh—

Falst.

You are too much concerned, Master Broom.

Ford.

The very thought of your usage runs like a Dagger thro me? Oh, that I had but the Villain here! S'Death I could grind the Dog, I could tear him.

Falst.

I faith, I wish you had been but by.

Ford.

Ah would to Heaven I had! ah by Jove I'd have mawl'd the Dog, I'd have teach'd him to have us'd any Friend at that rate, I'd, I'd, I'd—

Falst.

You take on like a Friend, Master Broom, and I like a Friend must admister comfort to you; we are sufferers indeed, my Lad, but we are not the only sufferers. The Cuckold has had his share. Ford has been cudgell'd, you must know, damnably cudgell'd, and by a little diminutive Blade that was Pimp to the Pully

-- 33 --

Rock. He has it fore and aft e'faith, Master Broom, and now his Shoulders can't laugh at his Forehead.

Ford.

Who told ye this?

Falst.

I heard so, as I was shifting me below at the Fire.

Ford.

Mrs Page then, and my Jade Pimp for one another, I could find in my Heart to murther her. (aside.) Well Sir, John, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate? you'll undertake her no more?

Falst.

Well, if I should not, now you know you have gain'd your point. For now you are certain that Ford's Wife has been false to him.

Ford.

Ay, but how shall I prove it, Sir John, for she you may be sure will deny it, you'll undertake her no more then!

Falst.

Look you, Master Broom, I will be thrown into Ætna, as I have been into the Thames, e're I will leave her thus. I have received from her another Embassy, to excuse what has happen'd, and she and Page's Wife have promis'd to meet me again to night. We meet in Masks.

Ford.

In Masks? Why so?

Falst.

Why to prevent surprize, Master Broom, for this plaguy Cuckold has certainly got the wind of our affair.

Ford.

And may a man know when and where, Sir John?

Falst.

They have not agreed upon that, my Boy, as soon as they have, I expect another Messenger from them. But, Mum, not a word of this, my little Lad, for fear it should come to the Cuckolds ear.

Ford.

I warrant you.

Enter Host.

Host.

Sir John, a Messenger below would speak with you.

Falst.

Gad so, I come, I come, master Broom, I will be with you again immediately; but before I go, let me commend you to mine honest Host, Master Broom, you must know, is in Love with Mrs Ford, and you are to do him a good turn, do you see.

Host.

What do mean, Sir John?

Falst.

Ay do mine Host, dissemble a little. Lord, Lord, how the world is given to Hypocrisie.

Host.

Why, don't you know, Sir John, that Mrs Ford is my own Sister?

Falst.

Why, if she were thy Aunt, or thy Grand-mother, man, there is the more reputation to be gotten. My Master Broom here is one of us, and will think but the better of thee. Come, come, thou hast pimp'd honestly and fairly for me, and thou shalt do it for my friend here. Thou givest me thy promise?

Host.

My promise, for what?

Falst.

That my Master Broom here shall lie with Mrs Ford.

Host.

That I think I may venture to promise.

Falst.

So then, my Lads, I leave you for a moment together.

Exit Falst.

Ford.

Very good, Sir, now I have you alone, I hope you expect a suitable return to the extraordinary obligations I have to you.

Host.

Why I hope, Brother, there is no harm in promising to help a man to the Wife of his bosom.

Ford.

Oh by no means, Sir! And what say you to the Swash-buckler that was here just now? Was she the Wife of his bosom too?

Host.

What Swash-buckler?

-- 34 --

Ford.

Why the swinging raw-bon'd Raskal that lay with her in the next room just now.

Host.

Why, really Brother, you are not well, you ought to take Physick.

Ford.

Ay Sir, you have taken care I thank ye of that, Sir, since my Wife lyes with disbanded Officers, I shan't be long I suppose without taking Physick.

Host.

Why, are you mad?

Ford.

I have cause enough to be so. But are not you an Egregious Sot thus to provoke a Mad man? Oh you are a notable Fellow to suffer your own Sister to be Ravish'd in your own House.

Host.

Ravish'd!

Ford.

Ravish'd! I know not what you call Ravish'd; but she was taken forcibly from Falstaffe, and carried to the Bed-Chamber, while the poor old Knight lay bound and gagg'd on the floor.

Host.

Falstaffe bound and gagg'd in my House?

Ford.

Ay, Sir!

Host.

For Heaven's sake when?

Ford.

Why e'en just now, Sir.

Host.

Who told you this?

Ford.

Why, e'en Sir John himself, Sir.

Host.

Good Heavens! And are you acquainted with the Character of Sir John no better? Is not all his conversation larded at this rate, with lyes as gross and palpable as their Inventer?

Ford.

But for what Reason should he tell me such a lye as this is?

Host.

VVhy if there has been so much as the likeness of a man in this part of the House to day, excepting your self, my own Family and Mrs Page in Breeches, I am the errantst Villain upon Earth.

Ford.

But for what reason should he tell me this, and with so much concern too?

Host.

I don't know Mrs Page has us'd him like a Dog, and perhaps the care that he has of his Reputation has thrown him upon this invention.

Ford.

Ha! That may be (aside.) VVell, but Sir John Falstaffe charg'd you to your face with pimping for him: And you were so modest as to be silent. I hope you will plead guilty at least to that.

Host.

I must confess, Brother, I make Sir John believe some such thing, in order to the entring into his Secrets, and to the gaining his Confidence, that I may prevent the Dishonour that is design'd to my Sister, and the affront that is intended to you. But you will never know your Friends.

Ford.

Humh! There is some colour of Truth in this. But how shall I know that it is not only colour?

Host.

VVhy you may be certain of my Sincerity by the Discovery I am going to make. Sir John and my Sister are to have another meeting to night; they are to meet in Masks.

Ford.

Nay then, Brother, I beg your pardon. You are my friend, and give me your hand. Falstaffe has already told me of this meeting, and I suppose the Messenger that is below with him is come to appoint the time and place.

Host.

Those I am already acquainted with: The Time is midnight, the Place Hern the Hunters Oak in the Park.

Ford.

Midnight! a very odd time! And Hern's Oak in the Park! A very odd place!

Host.

There is an old Tale goes, that Hern the Hunter, some time a Keeper here in Windsor Forest, does all the winter time, at dead of night, walk round about an Oak, with huge Ragged Horas. And there he blasts the Trees, and smites the

-- 35 --

Cattel, and makes milch Kine yield Blood, and shakes a Chain in a most hideous and dreadful manner. You have heard of such a Spirit, and well you know the superstitious Blockheads our Ancestors, receiv'd and deliver'd down to us this tale of Hern the Hunter for a truth.

Ford.

Why there are several yet, that are afraid to walk by this Tree in the dead of Night. But what of this?

Host.

This Hunter Falstaffe is to represent. Now Brother, I have had a lucky thought come into my Head for your advantage. The time of appointment is midnight, now will I send to your Wife a Messenger, who shall pretend that he comes from Falstaffe; and desire for some important reasons, that the meeting may be precisely upon the stroak of twelve.

Ford.

And what advantage shall I have from this?

Host.

Why, you shall send home word to your Wife, that upon receiving Letters of great importance, you are obliged to take Post for London this evening; and when that is done, you shall lie conceal'd here till twelve, and then we will dress you in Falstaffe's shape, which is luckily drying below at the Fire, and putting a pair of Horns on your Head, send you to Hern's Oak, before Falstaffe's time is come, and there you may make a plain discovery whether you deservedly wear them or no.

Ford.

Death! A very good contrivance! But will you be true to me in this business? Will you make no discovery to my Wife?

Host.

No, upon my credit. No, you jealous Fool! (aside.) she loves you too well, if she knows who you are, to take the Revenge of you that I design for you.

Enter Servant.

Serv.

Sir John Falstaffe desires to speak with you both below: Be pleas'd to walk in here, Sir, the Company's going.

Enter Fenton and young Mrs Page.

Fenton.

Come Madam, Unkle Ford, I beg your Pardon, for intruding thus into your Room.

Ford.

Oh, Nephew, you are very welcome, I am just a going, your Servant Mrs Page.

Mrs A.

Sir, your Servant.

Ford. (aside.)

Here is more sport going on. This House is like to be very famous.

Exeunt Ford, Host.

Fent.

What makes you tremble so?

Mrs A.

I die with apprehension.

Fent.

Rely firmly on me.

Mrs A.

For Heav'ns sake let me go.

Fent.

If you go, you ruin your self and me for ever.

Mrs A.

Why do you talk thus?

Fent.

If you go, before I have said what I have to impart to you, ill Fate will never let me see you more.

Mrs A.

Your words have set me on the Rack.

Fent.

Stay but some moments longer, and nothing but Fate can part us.

Mrs A.

You know the charge that my Father and Mother have giv'n me, and they are both below, and Sup here.

Fent.

Let not the thought of them give you any disturbance.

Mrs A.

Hs soon as they miss me, they'll be searching over the House immediately.

Fent.

I will not only make you mine to night, but oblige them in spight of their Souls to help you to me themselves.

-- 36 --

Mrs A.

You rave.

Fent.

I do not.

Mrs A.

By what miracle can you bring this about?

Fent.

You know I told you of a design this morning, that I had put Sir John Falstaffe upon, of making Love to your Mother and Mrs Ford.

Mrs A.

You did, and they have since had a very ridiculous meeting.

Fenton.

That meeting has answer'd my expectation, and giv'n such entertainment to Mrs Ford and your Mother, that it has diverted the latter from the design that she had of marrying you privately this very day to Caius.

Mrs A.

What signifies a days Reprieve to one, who is is appointed to die at night! They are to have another meeting in the Park to night.

Fent.

By my contrivance.

Mrs A.

By your contrivance?

Fent.

I obliged my Aunt Ford, in order to the making me happy, to perswade your Mother to this second meeting.

Mrs A.

You have made yourself and me eternally miserable. My Mother would make use of this opportunity, to oblige me to marry Caius. They meet in Masks it seems.

Fent.

Yes, and Caius is to be there in Womens Apparel, in order to the carrying you off with the less suspicion.

Mrs A.

O Heavens! And is this too by your contrivance?

Fent.

It is, I prevail'd upon Mrs Ford, to propose this Stratagem to your Mother, as a sure expedient for the joyning you and Caius.

Mrs A.

Am I alas betray'd then? And is my passion your scorn, perfidious man?

Fent.

Scorn thee! Let me be the scorn of Knavish Fools first, contempt of thee would be Sacriledge.

Mrs A.

Then what can you mean by this?

Fent.

This was the only way to secure you mine.

Mrs A.

When you know all, you'll be oblig'd to own it's a strange one.

Fent.

If it had not been for this expedient, your Mother had not suffer'd you to go to this Masquerade; but now I have an opportunity of making you for ever mine, while Caius embraces a Cloud in the shape of his Goddess: That Caius may know you are to be drest in yellow, is it not so?

Mrs A.

Too true, alas! This very design of my Mother has for ever undone us.

Fent.

You are too fearful.

Mrs A.

Hear me out, and tell me so afterwards, some body has disclosed this design to my Father.

Fent.

'Twas I, that by the means of mine Host of the Garter, discovered this design to Shallow, and he disclos'd it to your Father.

Mrs A.

You amaze me! What could oblige you to make this discovery to countermine your own designs?

Fent.

You never was more mistaken.

Mrs A.

My Father has enjoyn'd me upon my filial Obedience to stay at home, and to marry Caius in the absence of my Mother.

Fent.

This discovery makes your Father and Mother countermine each other, and secures success to me: Sir Hugh the Welsh Priest is the great promoter of Slender's cause with your Father.

Mrs A.

What of him?

-- 37 --

Fent.

He has been dexterously wrought on by us, to make your Father retract his resolution of obliging you to stay at home, and to perswade him that this is a glorious opportunity of turning your Mothers Stratagem back upon her, and routing her with her own Artillery.

Mrs A.

As how, pray?

Fent.

Your Father will immediately retract his orders, and enjoyn you to be at the Mask; but will politickly oblige you at the same time to conceal this retractation from your Mother, and to pretend that you steal thither out of pure complyance to her.

Mrs A.

For what end should he do this?

Fent.

Why Slender, who is to be there adorn'd like a Bona Roba, will by this means, as your Father imagines, have an opportunity off carrying you of, without giving any mistrust to your Mother.

Mrs A.

Who gives you all this intelligence?

Fent.

I tell you, mine Host of the Garter, who apparently favours Slender, and manages the whole design for me. But one thing I had almost forgot, when your Father commands you to name the colour of the Habits, which must distinguish you to Slender, be sure you remember to appoint Red.

Mrs A.

My Mother designs Yellow for me.

Fent.

For that very reason I entreat you to name Red to your Father.

Mrs A.

But which of them would you advise me to wear? Red or Yellow.

Fent.

Can you ask it? To which have you a mind to be link'd in W Wedlock to Caius or Squire Slender?

Mrs A.

To neither.

Fent.

Why then you must wear neither Red nor Yellow. Let me alone to send you a Masking Habit.

Mrs A.

But how can you send it, or how can I wear it, when both my Father and Mother command me to wear another?

Fent.

Mrs Ford, you must know, has at my Request pretended severally to your Father and Mother, that she is in each of their Interest, and has obtain'd from each of them unknown to the other that you may be drest at her own House.

Mrs A.

Why this is rare management, but what is to be the Event of all?

Fent.

Can't you guess?

Mrs A.

Not I really.

Fent.

Why before morning you are to have me in your Arms.

Mrs A.

Why you have been drinking, Mr Fenton.

Fent.

Not a drop. About midnight you will find a Reverend Prebend in the Park, who will devoutly tell you the very same thing.

Mrs A.

A Prebend in the Park at midnight?

Fent.

Ay, a very honest Fellow, whom I have perswaded to make pleasure a duty with you.

Mrs A.

Will he have the face to pretend 'tis a Duty to disobey my Parents?

Fent.

Yes, if they pretend to separate you from your Husband, which you know before Heav'n I am.

Mrs A.

But think of the consequence.

Fent.

Ay, the consequence! 'Tis the very thought of that dear consequence that goads me on with pleasure.

Mrs A.

You rave! Think of the lasting terrible consequences of my Parents just indignation?

-- 38 --

Fent.

You say you love me? Then how can they justly be displeas'd to find their Daughter happy.

Mrs A.

Because nothing will content them but the making me miserable.

Fent.

Nor will that content them, consider a little, you are eagerly prest by Father and Mother to make a different choice. And neither of them will easily be brought to forgive the preference which you give the other. But 'tis so reasonable to prefer your own inclination to theirs, that both will be easily induced to excuse that.

Mrs A.

Ha! This I must confess is very like reason. (aside.) 'Tis my resolution to disoblige neither of them.

Fent.

Then 'tis your resolution to make me happy, by giving me your hand to night.

Mrs A.

That for my Soul I cannot resolve on.

Fent.

Your Reasons?

Mrs A.

At midnight at the Hunters Oak you shall have them.

Fent.

Then show me a happier mortal than I am. At midnight no reason could ever stand against Love.

Mrs A.

But here comes my man, who has stood Centry by my Command, to warn us against surprize.

Serv.

Sir, the Company below is enquiring for this young Lady, and they are coming to seek her all over the House.

Fent.

Then Madam I take my leave of you. Be sure to remember the time appointed.

Exit Fenton.

Mrs A.

He would not fear my forgetfulness if he knew all. I carry an Officious Gentleman Usher along with me, who will be sure to put me in mind. Love lacks no Memory, tho he wants Eyes.

Enter Shallow, Slender.

Shall.

Mrs Page, your Servant.

Mrs A.

Your humble Servant, Sir.

Shall.

There's your Mistress, Cousin, speak for yourself.

Slend.

I'll make a Shaft or a Bolt on it, 'slid 'tis but venturing.

Shall.

Be not dismaid.

Slend.

No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but I am afraid.

Shall.

Mistress Ann, my Cousin loves you.

Slend.

Ay, that I do as well, as I love any Woman in Gloucestershire.

Shall.

He will maintain you like a Gentlewoman.

Slend.

Ay, that I will, come cuf and long tail, under the degree of a Squire.

Shall.

He will make you two hundred pounds a year Joynture.

Mrs Ann.

Good Mr Shallow, let him speak for himself.

Shall.

Marry, I thank you for it, I thank you for that, good comfort, she calls you, Coz, I leave you together.

Mrs A.

Now, Master Slender.

Slend.

Now, good Mrs Ann.

Mrs A.

What is your will?

Slend.

My will! ods Heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed, I never made my will in my Life; I am not such a sickly creature, I give Heav'n praise.

Mrs A.

I mean, Mr Slender, what would you with me?

Slend.

Truly for my own part, I would little or nothing with you. your Father

-- 39 --

and my Unkle have made motions. If it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole. They can tell you how things go better than I can; you may ask your Father, he'll be here presently.

Enter Simple.

Slend.

So Sirrah! Where have you been? Must I always wait upon my self?

Simple.

Sir, the Supper stays below for your Worship and this Gentlewoman.

Mrs A.

Will you be pleas'd to walk down, Sir?

Slend.

No, I thank you forsooth heartily, I am very well.

Mrs A.

The Supper attends you, Sir.

Slend.

Pray go, I am not a Hungry, I thank you forsooth. Go Sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my Unkle Shallow; a Justice of the Peace sometimes may be beholden to his Friend for a man. I keep but three Men and a Boy yet, till my Mother be dead; but what tho, yet I live, a poor Gentleman born.

Mrs A.

I dare not go down without you, I am sure they won't sit till you come.

Slend.

I'faith, I'll eat nothing, I thank you as much as if I did.

Mrs A.

Pray, Sir, walk down.

Slend.

I had rather walk here, I thank you. I receiv'd a Wound last Week in a quarrel, and by my Troth I cannot abide the smell of hot meat ever since. Did not you hear, Mrs Ann, of the quarrel which I had with the Fencing Master.

Mrs A.

No truly, Sir.

Slend.

I wish you had seen us. 'Tis true the Raskal broke my Head with a pint Pot, but e'faith I told him his own tho—

Mrs A.

Broke your Head, Sir?

Slend.

Ay, cut it to the Skull, if it had gone never so little deeper, you might have seen my Brains.

Mrs A.

That would have been a surprizing sight, Sir.

Slend.

Look here, Mrs Ann, you may feel a place soft place here.

Mrs A.

Sir, I believe you, without troubling you.

Slend.

What make your Dogs bark so? Be there Bears i'the Town?

Mrs A.

I think there are, Sir. I heard them talk'd of.

Slend.

I love the sport well; I hope shortly to see them in our Play-houses: But tho I love the sport, I am as apt to quarrel at it as any man Breathing. You are affraid if you see the Bear loose, are you not?

Mrs A.

Ay, indeed, Sir.

Slend.

That's Meat and Drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson lose twenty times, and have taken him by the Chain. But I warrant the Women have so cried and skriek'd at it, that it past. But Women indeed cannot abide them, they are very ill-favour'd rough things.

Enter Page.

Page.

Come, gentle Mr Slender, we stay for you.

Slend.

I'll eat nothing, I thank you.

Page.

By Jove but you must, Sir. Hearkee Daughter, you remember what I said to you, what Cloaths do you appoint for yourself, that the Gentleman may know you?

Mrs A.

Red, Sir?

Page.

Very good, come Sir, the Supper stays for us.

Slend.

Nay, pray lead the way.

Mr Page.

Come on then, Sir.

-- 40 --

Slend.

Mrs Ann, yourself shall go first.

Mrs A.

Not I, Sir, indeed, pray keep on.

Slend.

Truly, I will not go first, truly now. I will not do you that wrong.

Mrs A.

Pray, Sir.

Slend.

I had rather be unmannerly than troublesom. You do your self wrong indeed now.

Exeunt Page, Slend. End of the Fourth Act. ACT. V. Windsor Park. Evans, Page, Mrs Page, Mrs Ford.

Evans.

'Tis one the best discretions of a Woman as ever I did look upon.

Page.

Faith an admirable invention, and a very just punishment.

Mrs Page.

I hope at least that you will never be jealous.

Page.

Jealous! 'Slife I can trust thee with the mad Prince, in the very height of his midnight Revels. Oh, that Bully Ford were but here too! This would be an infallible cure for ever for him. Why would not you give him notice of it?

Mrs Ford.

He unluckily took post for London this evening before we had agreed upon our design: But whereabout are we? Ay, marry so: This is Herns Oak, this is the place appointed.

Page.

But where are the rest of your Maskers?

Mrs Ford.

All in the adjacent Thicket, expecting the appointed signal. Mr Page! Do you and your Wife go Mask, under yon Tuft of Trees, your Habits attend you.

Page.

But are not you a rare manager? This should have been done at Windsor.

Mrs Ford.

By no means, our design will be more secret this way. But do you hear? As soon as you are drest, do you, Mr Page, mingle with the Maskers, and let your Wife come back to me.

Page.

It shall be done, my dear; but hearkee, your Ear! when my Son Slender comes—Mum—we are observed, A word to the Wise is enough.

Mrs Page.

Hearkee, Mrs Ford, if the Doctor comes before I return, you understand me, do you hear?

Mrs Ford.

I warrant you, Mrs Page. Did ever I forget my promise?

Mr Page and Mrs Page Exeunt on one side. Enter on the other Slend. Shallow.

Slender to Shallow entring.)

I forsooth, I have spoke with her, we have a Byword

-- 41 --

to know one another, I come to her who is to be in Red, and cry Mum, she cryes Budget, and by that we know one another.

Shall.

That's good too, but what needs either your Mum or her Budget. The Red will decypher her well enough. Sure it hath struck twelve. Who's there, Mrs Ford?

Mrs Ford.

Squire Slender, a word with you. Yonder are your Gown and your Petticoat under the Elms, and there you will find one to dress you. As soon as you are drest, mingle with the rest of the Maskers in yon Thicket.

Slend.

Spirits, Fairies, are they not?

Mrs Ford.

Ay, you will make as good a Hobgoblin as the best of them. Upon a Signal given them they will all rush out, take the advantage of that confusion, to steal off with your Mistress. You will find her in Red.

Slend.

But, will no body be in Red but she?

Mrs Ford.

No body, adieu, look to your Hits, look to your Hits, and say not a word to her. The Parson expects you in the place that I told you of; when you say after him, be sure to whisper. Your Bride has directions to do the like, for the Doctor will be certainly near you.

Slend.

He near me! If I do not play him such a Prank, that all Windsor shall laugh at him: Then say, that Slender's a Fool; I'll serve him a trick e'faith.

Ex. on one side. Enter on the other Caius.

Mrs Ford.

Who comes here? My Doctor!

Caius.

My Dear, a Maistress Forda, begar you be de ver honest Voman, and my ver good Frienda—and villa—

Mrs Ford.

Doctor, this is no time for talk, under yon Oak you will find your Masking Habit, and there will be one to dress you too. As soon as you are drest mingle with the rest of the Maskers in yon Thicket. Upon a signal given, they will all rush violently out. Take the advantage of that confusion to carry your Mrs oft. You will find her in Yellow, and no body will be in Yellow but she.

Caius.

Begar 'tis good.

Mrs Ford.

But be sure you look to your Hitts, and say not a word, and when you say after the Parson whisper, for Slender will be certainly near you.

Caius.

Maistress Ford, begar me vill put de ver great Fool upon dat Jackanape Slender.

Mrs Ford.

Well, look out narrowly, and so farewel. (Exit Caius.) I am glad I am rid of this Fool, for I see Mrs Page a coming.

Enter Mrs Page.

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Page?

Mrs Page.

My dear?

Mrs Ford.

Bless me, 'tis a very dark night.

Mrs P.

Light and Spirits will become it well. Heav'n prosper our sport. No one means evil but the Devil, and look, you may know him by his Horns. Stand close a little.

Enter Falstaffe like Hern the Hunter.

Falst.

The Windsor Bell hath struck twelve. The minute draws on; 'tis good to be beforehand with such an appointment. Now the hot blooded God assist me. Remember Jove, thou wast a Bull for thy Europa, Love set on thy Horns? O powerful Love, that in some respects makes a Beast a Man, in some other a Man a Beast. You were also, Jupiter, a Swan for the Love of Leda. O Omnipotent Love! How

-- 42 --

near the God drew to the complexion of a Goole; a fault done first in the form of a Beast (O Jove, a Beastly fault) and then another fault in the semblance of a Fowl, think on't Jove, a foul fault, when Gods have hot backs, what shall poor Men do! For me, I am here a Windsor Stag, and the fattest I think in the Forrest. Send me a cool Ruff time Jove, or who can blame me to piss my Tallow. Who comes here, my Doe?

Mrs Ford.

Sir John? Art thou there, my Deer? My Male Deer?

Falst.

My Doe, with the black Scut? Let the Sky rain Potatoes; let it Thunder to the Tune of Green Sleeves, hail Kissing Comfits and Snow Eringoes; let there come a Tempest of Provocation, as I will shelter me here.

Mrs Ford.

Mrs Page is come with me, Sweetheart.

Falst.

Divide me like a Bribe Buck, each a Haunch, I will keep my sides to my self, my Shoulders for the Fellow of this walk, and my Horns I bequeath your Husbands. Am I a Woodman, Ha! speak I like Hern the Hunter? Why now is Cupid a Child of Conscience, he makes restitution. As I am a true Spirit, welcome.

Terrible Symph.

Mrs Page.

Bless me, what noise is that?

Mrs Ford.

Heaven forgive our Sins!

Falst.

What should this be?

Mrs Page. Mrs Ford.

Away, away, away.

Falst.

The Devil take the hindmost, I say. I'll into that Tuft of Trees, and sculk there till the Storm is over.

As they go out, Enter Maskers on the other side, crying follow, follow, follow. They go after Falstaffe. Three or four of them come back.

1 Mask.

'Slife he'll make his escape.

2.

Why the Devil is good to his own. While we are playing the mock Spirits, the real Fiend is abroad. It was never so cudgelled in my Life.

3.

For my part I am Stock-fish. Who should these be that charged us so fiercely. But see our Comrades are successful, and have retrieved Falstaffe.

Symphony Recommences, and the Maskers bring in Ford in the shape of Falstaffe.

1 Fairy.
Mortal, it is in vain to stauggle here.

2 Fairy.
Bring him near, bring him near.

3 Fairy.
With Fiery tryal touch his Fingers end.
If he be chast, the Flame will back descend,
And vex him with no pain; but if he start,
It is the Flesh of a corrupted Heart.

1 Fairy.
A Tryal, come.

2 Fairy.
Come, will this Wood take fire.

Ford.
Oh—Oh—Oh—

2 Fairy.
Corrupt, corrupt and tainted in Desire,
About him Fairies sing a scornful Rhime,
And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
Symphony.
Spirit.
Ye Goblins and Fairies and Satyrs and Fawns,
  That merrily Revel or e midnight Lawns.
    Come away, Come away,
    And make no delay.

-- 43 --


  But our cheerful Gamesom Summons obey,
  Come away, Come away with your frolicksom train,
    And nimbly advance
    In a whimsical Dance,
    And prettily trip it,
    And merrily skip it,
    And wantonly leap it,
  Over the Skirts of the painted Plain,
For this is the Time, for us Goblins to Reign. Chor.
  See, see we advance
    In a whimsical Dance,
    And prettily trip it,
    And prettily skip it,
    And wantanly leap it,
  Over the Skirts of the painted Plain,
For this is the Time for us Goblins to Reign.
Spirit.
Ye Goblins and ev'ry Fairy Spright,
Come about, about, about this unweildy Wight,
  Who is a freakish frolicksom Elf,
And a fantastick Goblin himself;
  And as round him you go
  In a Jovial Row,
To be reveng'd of his lustful Crime,
  Merrily trowl out a scornful Rhime,
And cuff him in Cadence, and kick him in Time.
Chorus.
    See round him we go
    In a Jovial Row,
  And merrily trowling a scornful Rhime,
We cuff him in Cadence, and kick him in Time.

Ford.
Oh—Oh—Oh—

Spirit.
Now laugh at his Woe,
  And as he cries Oh—
Reply with a He, Ho, Hi, Ho. 1 Chorus
Hi, Hi, Hi. 2 Chorus.
Hi, Ho, Ho.

Ford.
Oh—Oh—Oh—

1 Chorus.
Hi, Hi, Hi. 2 Chorus.
Ho, Ho, Ho.

Mrs Page.

Come, come, let us carry on the jest no farther. Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor Wives? How do you like Washing and Buck Basket.

Mrs Ford.

Sir John we have had ill luck; we could never meet to any purpose; I will never take you for my Love again; but I will always count you my Dear.

Page.

Come, pray Sir, be pleas'd to unmask.

-- 44 --

Mrs Page.

No, let us attend him as he is to Windsor.

Mrs Ford.

And let the Children hollow to adorn our Triumph.

Enter Host of the Bull, and Falstaffe unmask'd.

Falstaffe entring)

Mine Honest Host of the Bull, I thank thee; thou has sav'd me from running the Gauntlet efaith, the Whoreson Villains had pepper'd me: Why, how now, my mad Wags! why, what have we here a mummy?

Mrs Page.

Defend me, ye pow'rs!

Mrs Ford.

Have mercy upon me!

Page.

May I believe my Eyes?

Falst.

Those Eyes Sweetheart are worth but little, that can take me for another, I was never mistaken, or so much as doubted before.

Page.

But who the Devil is this then?

Falst.

Nay, no Devil, for all his Horns.

Page.

That's true, my Cudgel tells me, that he is Flesh and Blood. But what is he then?

Falst.

What is he? A Beast he is?

Mrs Ford.

But what Beast?

Falst.

Why, a Beast of Husband, as thou art a Devil of a Wife.

Mrs Ford.

Bless me, whose Husband?

Falst.

Why, whose Husband should a true Wife take pains to cudgel but her own.

Mrs Ford.

My Husband!

Page.

'Sheart, I'll see who he is. By your leave, Sir.

They unmask him.

Mrs Ford.

Save me, and deliver me!

Ford.

Oh—Oh—

Mrs Page.

Bless my Eyes! what do I see?

Falst.

Marry and Amen. Why this is no Ford. This is no peaking Cornuto. This is that Bucksom Whoremaster Booom, that gave me 20 l. to day to help him to Ford's Wife.

Mrs Ford.

Can it be possible that you are my Husband?

Falst.

Thy Husband he was, but he's Stockfish now; these Spirits have metamorphos'd him.

Page.

Why, this is wonderful. How do you find your self, Neighbour?

Ford.

Oh—Oh—Oh—

Falst.

Why, plaguy sore, damnable sore, sore with a vengeance.

Mrs F.

Why Husband, dear Husband, now speak to us.

Ford.

Oh, I am maim'd, I am crippled for ever.

Mrs F.

Ah me, I have murder'd my Husband.

Ford.

No Wife, thou hast made me the happiest man. Within me, Oh, such ease, such Peace I find—

Falst.

The Staff that broke his Bones has heal'd his mind.

Ford.

Wife, I return thee ten thousand thanks.

Falst.

By his taking a beating thus, this should be a Muscovite.

Ford.

Thou hast made me wise.

Falst.

A Cudgel with some I see has more vertue than Seneca.

Ford.

Thou hast open'd my Eyes for ever.

Falst.

A Crab Tree to this Fool has been the Tree of Knowledge?

M Ford.

But how came you here? You amaze me?

Host of the Bull.

By my contrivance.

-- 45 --

Mrs Ford.

By your contrivance, Brother?

Host of the Bull.

Yes, I acquainted him with this second apointment, which you had made to Falstaffe, and advis'd him to pretend a Journey to London, and so lie conceal'd in my House till midnight, and then to come thither in Falstaffe's shape, to see whether his jealousie was well grounded, or no.

Mrs Ford.

But why would you do that, when you knew how scurvily the Knight was design'd to be used?

Host of the Bull.

Why in return of some favours, of which your Husband has been over liberal to day.

Mrs Ford.

But still I am confounded, for we had Falstaffe here just now with us in this very shape We saw him, we talk'd to him, he answer'd us.

Host of the Bull

Yes, but when your Mock Spirits first gave him the alarm, Falstaffe, who flew more nimbly from them, than one wou'd guess from his Bulk, gave time to me, who was waiting hard by with two of my Servants, for the better conducting my design, to charge the foremost of your Friends, with three lusty Cudgels, so that while, that gave time to the Knight to make his escape, the Maskers met with your Husband, who at that instant upon a signal agreed on between us, began to move from the post where we had placed him, and advanc'd to meet you.

Mrs Ford.

But Husband, why would not you discover yourself, when you saw that we took you for another?

Ford.

Shame, shame would not suffer me, to think that I had been such an Ass, and so vilely wrong'd the very best of Women.

Caius.

Come, come, there is very good edifications, look you, that may be learnt from this. Mr Ford leave you your Jealousies, look you, and you will be no more beaten, look you, and kick'd and cudgell'd and pinch'd and terrify'd.

Page.

Well said, Fairy Hugh!

Ford.

I will never mistrust my Wife again, till thou art able to make Love to her in good English.

Caius.

And, Sir John Falstaffe, leave you I pray you your wicked desires, and you shall be no more frighted and washed, and buck'd by the Maids, look you.

Mrs Page.

There's a lesson for you, Sir John, let the washing of your outside make your inside clear. And then Captain Dingboy there will no more Hector you.

Falst.

Why, is that she?

Mrs P.

E'en she, Sir, at your service.

Falst.

Have I laid my Brain in the Sun, and dried it, that it wanted matter, to prevent so gross over-reaching as this is? Am I ridden with a Welsh Goat too? Shall I have a Coxcomb of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a piece of toasted Cheese.

Caius.

Seeze is not good to give putter, your pelly is all putter.

Falst.

Seeze and putter! Have I liv'd to stand to stand at the taunt of one, who makes Frittars of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust, and late walking thro the Realm.

Mrs Page.

Why, Sir John, do you think, tho we would have thrust virtue out of our Hearts by the Head and Shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to Hell that ever the Devil could have made you our delight?

Ford.

What a Hodge Pudding? A bag of Flax.

-- 46 --

Mrs Page.

A pufft man?

Page.

Old, cold, wither'd, and of intollerable entrails.

Ford.

One that is as slanderous as Satan.

Page.

And as poor as Job!

Ford.

And as wicked as his Wife?

Caius.

And given to Fornications and Taverns and Sack and Wine and Metheglins, and to Drinkings and Swearings and Starings, Pribbles and Prabbles?

Falst.

Well! I am your Theme, you have the start of me, I am dejected, I am not able to answer the Welsh Flannel; ignorance itself is a Plummet o're me, use me as you will.

Page.

Be cheerful, Knight, thou shall eat a Posset to night at my House, where I will desire thee to laugh at my Wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her, Mr Slender hath married her Daughter.

Mrs P.

Doctors doubt that, (aside.) If Ann Page be my Daughter, she is by this time Doctor Caius's Wife.

Page.

Yonder I suppose they come.

Enter one in a Parsons Habit, Slender and Caius hand in hand, both in Womens Apparel and Mask'd, they separate, and Slender goes to Mr Page, and Caius to Mrs Page.

Page to Slender,)

Son, you have dispatch'd? Keep, keep on your Mask, speak softly. I wou'd not have my Wife know who you are, till we come home, she'll be outrageous and expose herself.

Mrs Page to Caius)

Well, Doctor, Is the Ceremony over? Keep on your Mask, and do not discover yourself, till you come to my House. My Husband when he comes to be undeceiv'd will doubtless do something that is very extravagant, and I would have him do it in private.

Enter Fenton and Mrs Ann Page unmask'd.

Page.

What's this, I see? I dare not believe, my Eyes.

Mrs Page.

My Daughter, yonder! 'Tis Illusion, 'tis Enchantment.

Page.

We have had recourse to mock Apparitions, and we are punish'd by real Witchcraft. Why Son, who the Devil have you got yonder?

Slend.

Nay, the Devil indeed, for ought I know, I took her in Red, you told me Mrs Ann was to be in Red. Is she double, I trow.

Mrs P.

Why, Doctor, you are abused, you see my Daughter is yonder.

Caius.

Deable! Vat do I see? Did you not speak a to me, to taker her in de Yellow? And begar it is not Ann Page, she is yonder.

Slend.

But who is my Wife trow? What Drab have they put upon me?

Caius.

Begar I vill see vat dam Bish I ha married. Garzoones dat Jackanape Slender.

Slend.

Now by this light, Doctor Caius.

Caius

Deable! vere is Jack Rugby, vid my long Sword, begar I will cut his Troat presaunt

Slend.

I, let him come, let him come, I'll e'en swinge him, or he shall swinge me.

Fight.

Page.

Sir Hugh, help me to part them, Sir John?

Falst.

Let them alone, my Lads, let them alone, curst be who parts Man and Wife, I say.

Slend.

Man and Wife quotha! I won't have him Mun, so I won't, for all he was in Womans Cloaths when I married him.

Page.

Introth, I am amazed at all this.

-- 47 --

Mrs Page.

And I am giddy with wonder.

Page.

How could it possibly come about?

Slend.

Nay, how can I tell. You told me, you know, that I must be in Womans Cloaths, to avoid being discover'd by your Wife, and to countermine her, forsooth.

Caius.

And begar, Maistress Page told a me, dat I must be accoutre like de Girl, to evite being found out by de Husband.

Slend.

And besides, you know, Father, you told me that your Daughter was to be in Red. So I took her in Red, and it is not Ann, but the Doctor.

Caius.

And begar, Maistress Page, you tell a to me, dat Ann was to be drest a in a de Yellow, and so you did trick up dat Jack Dog Slender in Yellow, and begar did play me de pranka.

Mrs Page.

You are mistaken, Mrs Ford has done all this in favour of her Nephew. For she provided the Masking Habits. Oh, rare, Mrs Ford! This is fine management.

Page.

Son Slender, it seems you have taken the wrong.

Slend.

What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took an old ugly Quack for a young pretty Girl.

Page.

Well! But you told me just now you were married, how could you, either of you say after the Priest, and not be discovered?

Slend.

Why, forsooth, they told me I must whisper, because, forsooth, Doctor Caius would be near. Yes with a Pox to him, he was near with a Vengeance.

Page.

Who gave you this advice?

Slend.

Why, Mrs Ford there?

Caius.

Garzooks, she tell a de very same ting to me too

Page.

Well! But who is this that has done you the blessed Office?

Parson unmasking.)

Why, how now, old Bully Bacchus! dost thou not know thy Fannus, thy Silenus, thy merry mad Host of the Garter?

Page.

Mine Host of the Garter? And pray, Sir, who set you a work?

Host of the Garter.

Why, e'en my merry Dame Ford there.

Page.

Oh, rare, Mrs Ford! Is this done like a Neighbour? Is this done like a Friend?

Mrs Ford.

Like a better Friend than you are aware of.

Page.

And O rare, Daughter! O dainty, delicate, dutiful Daughter? Is this what we might have expected from an only Child, whom we have educated with so much tenderness

Mrs Ann.

I always was and always shall be your most obedient Daughter.

Page.

Can you say this without blushing, the very moment after you have married against our consent, nay, against our Commands?

Mrs Ann.

I never did, and never will do any thing against your Commands.

Page.

Why Mrs, are not you married to this Honest worthy Gentleman here?

Fent.

No, nor never shall be without your consent, Sir?

Page.

How's that?

Fent.

Your Daughter and I had it in our pow'r, for you see we had opportunity; but we have remain'd contented with that, without bringing it to fact.

Mrs Ford.

What say you now, Mr Page?

Page.

We have been mistaken.

Fent.

What I have done in exposing these Gentlemen, has been only to shew what preposterous choices your prejudices had prevail'd upon you and your Wife to make for an only Daughter. I make no doubt, but that in the match which you

-- 48 --

each had provided for her, you had designed her Happiness, her Interest and her Honour. But in marrying an Ass she runs a very great risk of losing them all three. For tho she had no present aversion for either of them, as she has certainly a very strong one for both, yet their folly would quickly create her contempt, and her contempt her aversion, and where-ever there is aversion in Marriage, there can be no happiness.

Ford.

'Tis truly observ'd.

Mrs Ford.

And wisely.

Fent.

And as for Interest, that can be no where secure, where there is no management, and there can be no management, where there is no prudence.

Ford.

Well said, Nephew!

Fent.

And how should that Husband be as cautious as he should be of so nice a thing as a Womans Honour, who you plainly see has not common prudence enough to maintain his own?

Page.

Faith this is true, Wife.

Fent.

For my part, tho perhaps I may have stronger pretences to your Daughter than any man living can have, not only because she does me the Honour, not wholly to slight my passion; but because we have been long and solemnly contracted.

Page.

How's that?

Mrs Page.

Contracted did he say?

Mrs Ford.

Hear him out, Mrs Page.

Fent.

Yet I here frankly and publickly release her of any obligation which she may stand in to me, and have so truly considered of the terrible consequences which attend the just displeasure of a Parent, that I am resolv'd either to owe my happiness to you, or not to be happy at all, and I will never teach her to be undutiful to me, by perswading her first to be disobedient to you.

Mrs Page.

'Tis honourably said in my conscience.

Page.

And nobly, and here to shew Mr Fenton, that I am loath to be vanquished in kindness and generosity, I shall only desire him maturely to consider of my Daughters Fortune and his own, and if he thinks there will be a competency to make her and himself happy, she has leave to give him her hand.

Fent.

You for ever bind me to you.

Mrs Ford.

'Tis now become my turn to speak, and I shall soon convince you, that I have not been such an abominable Neighbour, as you may imagine. I can assure you, that it is your Daughters Person, and not her Forture, that my Nephew has had a design upon, and he might perhaps with some Justice pretend to much better Fortunes than hers. You know, that my Husband and I are Childless, and that we are easie in our circumstances. You know particularly that I have Two Hundred a year, which is at my own disposal. But this you cannot know, till I inform you of it, that when I first concerted this Intreague with my Nephew, I secur'd him the reversion of that Estate after my Death and my Husbands.

Fent.

Which will engage me to be ever acknowledging.

Mrs Ford.

Besides, whatever you think fit to give with your Daughter at present, I here promise to prevail upon my Husband to lay down as much for my Nephew.

Ford.

And I am so satisfied with thy conduct, and so pleased with thy virtue, that [illeg.]e engage to make what you promise good.

-- 49 --

Page.

Why, then I am blest on every side, and there is not a man upon Earth, who is happy in kinder Neighbours, a more generous Son in Law, a more obedient Daughter, and a more vertuous Wife. But why would not you acquaint us with this before?

Mrs Ford.

Why, first I believed both you and your Wife to be each of you obstinately fond of your several choices, and therefore in order to the opening your Eyes I thought it would be convenient to expose the parties; and in the next place I was willing that my Nephew should owe his success to his Wit, and not to his Money.

Page.

Why, then now, Mr Fenton, it must be your fault, if my Daughter dyes a Maid.

Fent.

Die a Maid? She shall not so much as Sleep one: We will go from hence to the Deanry, where a Parson attends us, and from thence to Bed.

Page.

No, no, you have had fatigue enough already for one night, go to Bed and rest, and to morrow she shall be for thee. What say you, Wife?

Mrs Page.

I can never have a worthier Son-in-Law.

Fent.

Madam, I hope you will not retard my Happiness.

Mrs A.

You see, Sir, it is not in my power; the duty of a child is obedience.

Page.

Come, let us go laugh half an hour together, and so to Bed.

Falst.

Doctor, pray lead your Bride

Slend.

I'll make the best in Gloucestershire know it, I would I were hang'd else.

Caius.

And begar I'll raise all Windsor?

Page.

For what? To proclaim yourself an Ass to the publick. Rather learn Wisdom from what has happened to you, and the next Woman you pretend to; make it your business to gain the Heart of your mistress, as well as the consent of her Parents, for be certain that a forced Marriage is but a lawful Rape.

Evans

It is fery good advice for you, look you.

Page.

And let all men learn from Fenton's generous proceeding to avoid the curse that attends a clandestine Marriage, and the dreadful consequence of a Parents just displeasure.


  But Heav'n will Crown this Marriage with success,
  Which Love and Duty thus conspire to bless. FINIS.

-- 50 --

PROLOGUE.
Whate're the Title on our Bills may say,
The merry Wives of Shakespear is the Play
But then a different intreague we have got,
And what makes a new Play but a new Plot?
As in the mixture of the Humane frame,
'Tis not the Flesh, 'tis the Soul makes the Man,
So of Dramatick Poems we may say,
'Tis not the Lines, 'tis the Plot makes the Play.
The Soul of every Poem's the design,
And words but serve to make that move and shine;
But Shakespear's Play in fourteen days was writ,
And in that space to make all just and fit,
Was an attempt surpassing human Wit.
Yet our great Shakespear's matchless Muse was such,
None e're in so small time perform'd so much.
The Comick Muse herself inspir'd his vein,
And with herself brought all her sprightly Train:
When first he took his Pen the charming Maid
Laughing aloud, descended to his aid,
And all her secret Beauties she display'd.
His master touches, so exact, so true,
We thought it Sacriledge to change for new,
Except a very few which ne're could joyn,
In the same just and uniform design.
His haste some errors caus'd, and some neglect,
Which we with care have labour'd to correct,
Then since to please we have try'd our little Art,
We hope you'll pardon ours for Shakespear's part.

An EPILOGUE Written by Mr Burneby. Spoke by Sir John Falstaffe.
How many Forms must honest Falstaffe wear;
So fit for every purpose, that I fear,
When next I'm drawn, they'll make me Knight o'th'Shire,
And I'll be sworn, if you are so contented,
No Country wou'd be better represented.
I hit each Mans complexion to a tittle,
Am all their Pictures,—I can't say in little.
The Husbands first my conduct can't condemn;
For I've worn Horns, as well as most of them;
Of their Wives too, I've some resembling touch,
Not in my shape—except their building's Dutch.
I'm of no faction, to no side devote;
But where I'm brib'd the most, will give my Vote.
And if plump Jack's thrown in, 'tis ten to seven,
He gives a swag will make the ballance even.
Thus qualify'd to serve without delay,
Tomorrow be Sir John's Election day;
Bring all your Friends, and in this Field Inroll:
But no false Musters, every man must Poll.
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John Dennis [1702], The Comical Gallant: or the Amours of Sir John Falstaffe. A comedy. As it is Acted at the Theatre Royal in Drury-lane. By his Majesty's Servants. By Mr Dennis. To which is added, A large Account of the Taste in Poetry, and the Causes of the Degeneracy of it (Printed and Sold by A. Baldwin [etc.], London) [word count] [S33900].
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