ARGUMENT. A company of mad fellowes resolve to take a Purse, and to that purpose separate themselves, 4 in one company, 2 in the other, the four Rob the true men, the two Rob those four again. And then all meeting, the 4 exclaim against the absent two, and other Scenes of mirth follow.

ACTORS NAMES. Prince [Henry], Jack [Sir John Falstaff], Poines [Poins], Peto, Roff, Hostess [Mrs. Quickly], Bardol [Bardolph], Drawer.

Main text Enter Several.

Prince.

How now Jack, where hast thou been?

Jack.

A plague of all Cowards I say and a vengeance too, marry and amen; give me a Cup of Sack Boy. No virtue extant, you Rogue? there's lime in this Sack too, there is nothing but Roguery to be found villanous Man; yet a Coward is worse then a Cup Sack with lime in it. A villanous Coward, go thy

wayes old Iack, dye when thou wilt: if Man-hood, good Man-hood; be not forgot upon the face of the Earth, then am I a shorten Herring: there lives not three good men unhang'd in England, and one of them is fat and grows old: a bad World I say, and a plague of all cowards I say still.

Hal.

How now woolsack what mutter you?

Iack

A Kings Son? if I do not beat thee out of thy Kingdome with a Dagger of Lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a stock of wild Geese, i'le never wear hair on my face more, you Prince of VVales?

Hal.

Why you horson round man what's the matter?

Iack.

Are you not a Coward? answer me to that, and Poines there.

Hal.

Why ye fat paunch, and ye call me, Coward by this light, i'le stab thee.

Iack.

I call thee Coward? i'le see the damn'd e're I call thee Coward; but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back, call you that backing of your friends? a plague upon such backing give me them that will face me, give me a cup of Sack, am a Rogue if I drank to day.

Prince

Oh villain, thy Lips are scarce wip'd since thou drink'st last.

Iack.

All's one for that, a plague of all cowards still say I.

Prince.

What's the matter?

Iack.

What's the matter here be four of us have ta'ne a thousand pound this morning.

Prince.

Where is it, I ask where is it.

Iack.

Where is it? taken from us it is; a hundred up on poor four of us.

Prince.

What a hundred man.

Jack.

I am a Rogue if I were not a[illeg.] half Sword with a dozen of them two hours together; I have scaped by miracle; I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose, my Buckler cut through and through, my sword hackt like a hansaw, ecce signum, I never deale better since I was a man, all would not do, a plague of all Cowards; let them speak, if they speak more or less then truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness.

Poines.

Speak Sirs, how was it.

Roff.

We four set upon a dozen.

Iack.

Sixteen at least my Lord.

Roff.

And bound them.

Peto.

No, no they were not bound.

Iack.

You rogue they were bound, every man of them, or I am a Iew else, an Hebrew Iew.

Roff.

And as we were sharing some six or seven fresh men set upon us.

Iack.

And unbound the rest, & then came in the others,

Prince.

What fought ye with them all!

Iack.

All? I know not what you call all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of raddish: if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Iack, then I am no two leg'd creature.

Prince.

Pray God you have not murther'd fome of them

Iack.

Nay, that's past praying for, I have pepper'd two of them? two Rogues in buckrom suites: I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lye spit in my face, call me horse, thou know'st my old ward, here I lay, and thus I bore my point, four Rogues in backrom let drive at me.

Prince.

VVhat four? thou saids but two even now.

Iack.

Four Hal, I told thee four.

Poines.

I, I, he said four.

Iack.

These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me: I made no more a doe but took all their seven points in my Target, thus:—

Prince.

Seaven? Why there were but four even now.

Jack.

In Buckrum Hal, in Buckrum.

Poines.

I four in Buckrum suits.

Jack.

Seven by these Hilts, or I am villain else.

Prince.

Prithee let him alone, we shall have more anon.

Jack.

Dost thou hear me.

Prince.

I, and marke thee too Jack.

Jack.

Do so for 'tis worth the listning to. These nine in Buckrum that I told thee off.

Prince.

So, two more already.

Jack.

Their points being broken.

Poynes

Down fell his Hose.

Jack.

Began to give me ground, but I followed me close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.

Prince.

O Monstrous! eleven Buckrum men grown out of two.

Jack.

But as the devil would have it, three mis-begotten knaves, in Kendal green, came at my back and let drive at me, for it was so darke Hal that thou couldest not see thy hand.

Prince.

These lyes are like the father that begets 'em, gross as a Mountain open, palpable: why, thou clay-brain'd guts, thou knotty pated fool, thou horson obscene greasy tallow catch. Jack What? art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth, the truth?

Prince.

Why how couldst thou kaow these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou could'st not see thy hand? what saidst thou to this?

Poynes.

Come, your reason Jack, your reason.

Jack.

What upon compulsion? and I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the World. I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? were reasons as plenty as Blackberries, I would give no Man a reason upon compulsion, I.

Prince.

I'le be no longer guilty of this sin, this sanguine Coward, this Bed-presser, this horseback breaker, this huge hill of flesh.

Jack.

You starvling, you Elf-skin, you dryed Neats tongue, Bulls pizle, you stock fish: O for breath to utter what is like thee? you Taylors yard, you sheath, you Bow-case, you vile standing Tuck.

Prince.

Hear me sirrah bumbast—

Poynes.

Mark Jack.

Prince.

We two saw you four set upon four, bound them, and were Masters of their wealth, then did we two set on you four, and with a word out-fac'd you from the prize; what starting hole canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

Poynes.

Come lets hear Jack, what trick hast thou now?

Jack.

By the Lord I knew ye as well as he that made ye, why hear you Masters, was it for me to kill the heir apparant? should I turn upon the true Prince? why thou know'st I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct, the Lyon will not touch the true Prince. Instinct is a great matter, I was a Coward on instinct; I shall think the better of my selfe, and thee during my life; I for a valiant Lyon, and thou for a true Prince: but by the Lord Lads, I am glad you have the money, Hostess clap to the doores, watch to night, pray to morrow, what hearts of Gold shall we be merry? shall we have a Play ex tempore.

Prince.

Content and the argument shall be thy runing away.

Iack.

O no more of that Hal if thou lovest me.

Prince.

How long i'st ago Iack since thou saw'st thine own knee.

Iack.

My own knee? when I was about thy yeares (Hal) I was not an Eagles tallant in the Wast: I could have crept into an Aldermans Thumb-Ring, a plague of sighing and grief, it blows a man up like a Bladder; but to

the Play Hal.

Prince.

I have a mind Iack that thou shouldst stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

Iack.

Content: this Chaire shall be my State, this dagger my Scepter, and this Cushion my Crown. Well if the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved, give me a cup of Sack to make mine eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept: For I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambysis veyne.

Prince.

Well here is my Leg.

Iack.

And here is my speech: stand aside Nobility.

Hostesse.

O the Father, how he holds his countenance, he d[illeg.] as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see.

Iack.

Peace good pint Pot, peace good tickle branes. Harry I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanyed, thou art my Son, I have partly thy Mothers word, partly my opinion, but cheifly a villanous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy neither lip that doth warrant me. There is a thing Harry which thou hast often heard off, and known to many, in our Land, by the name of Pitch; this Pitch (as antient writers report) doth defile, so doth the company thou keepest, yet there is one vertuous Man whom I have noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

Prince.

What manner of Man, and it is like your Majesty.

Iack.

A good portly man y'faith, and a corpulent, of a cheerefull look a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage and as I think his age some fifty, or bir Lady, inclining to threescore, and now I remember me his name is Falstaff: if that man be lewdly given he deceives me, for Harry I see vertue in his looks; if then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is vertue in that Falstaffe, and now thou doughty varlet, tell me where thou hast been this month?

Prince.

Dost thou speak like a King? do thou stand for me, and i'le play my father.

Jack.

If thou dost it so Majestically, hang me up by the heels for a Rabbet-sucker or a Poulterers Hare.

Prince.

Well here I am set.

Jack.

And here I stand, judge my Masters.

Prince.

Now Hary whence come you?

Jack.

My noble Lord from Eastcheap.

Prince.

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

Jack.

Zud my Lord they are false? nay i'le tickle you for a young Prince.

Prince.

Swear'st thou, ungracious Boy? henceforth ne're look on me, thou art violently carried away from grace, there is a divell haunts thee in the likeness of a far old man, a Tun of man, is thy companion, why dost thou converse with that trunck of humours, that boulting-Butch of beastliness? that swolne parcel of Dropsies that huge bombard of Sack, that stuff cloak bag of guts, that roasted manning-tree Oxe, with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, wherein is he good but to tast Sack, and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a Capon and eat it? wherein cunning but in craft? wherein crafty but in villany? wherein vallanous but in all things? wherein Worthy but in nothing.

Jack.

I would your grace would take me with you who means your grace.

Prince.

That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white bearded satan.

Jack.

My Lord the man I know.

Prince.

I know thou dost.

Jack.

But to say I know more harm in him then in my self, were to say more then I know; that he is old, (the more the pitty;) his white hairs do witness it: but that he is (saving your reverence) a whoremaster, that I utterly

deny, if Sack and Sugar be a fault, Heaven help the wicked: if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old Host that I know is damn'd, if to be fat, be to be hated, then Pharoahs lean kine are to be belov'd. No my good Lord, banish Peto, banish Bardol, banish Poynes; but for sweet Iack Falstaff, kind Iack Falstaff, true Iack Falstaff, valiant Iack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant being as he is old Iack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company banish plump Iack, and banish all the world.

Prince.

I do. I will.

Bardol.

Oh my Lord the Sheriffe with a monstrous watch is at the door.

Iack.

Out you Rogue, play out the play, I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

Iack.

Am I not falne away vilely since this last action, do I not bate? do I not dwindle? why my skin hangs about me like an old Ladies loose Gown. I am withered like an old apple Iohn. Well i'le repent, and that suddenly, I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I shall have no strength to repent. And I ha' not forgotten what the inside of a Church is made of, I am a pepper-corn: villanous company hath been the spoil of me.

Bardol.

Sir Iohn you are so fretful you cannot live long.

Iack.

Why there's it; come sing me a bawdy Song, make me merry, well I have been as vertuously given as a Gentleman need to be, lived well and in good compass, and now I live out of all order, out of all compass.

Bardol.

Why you are so fat Sir Iohn, that you must needs be out of all compass all reasonable compass Sir Iohn.

Iack.

O mend thou thy face, and i'le mend my life: thou art our Admiral, thou bearest the Lanthorn in the poop, but 'tis in the Nose of thee thou art the King of the burning Lamp, when thou run'st up Gads Hill in the night to catch my Horse if I did not think thou hadst been an Ignis

fatuus or a ball of wild-fire, there's no purchase in mony, O thou art a perpetual tryumph, an everlasting Bon-fire, by night.

Bardol.

I would my face were in thy belly.

Jack.

God a mercy, so I should be heart-burnt. Now dame partlet the Hen, have you enquir'd yet who pickt my pocket.

Hostess.

Why, Sir John do you think I keep theeves in my House Sir John.

Jack.

I'le besworn my pocket was pickt, go, you are a woman go.

Hostess.

Who I? I defie thee: 'ods light I never was call'd so in my own House before, you owe me money Sir John, I bought you a dozen shirts to your back.

Jack.

Dow as, filthy Dowlas, I have given them away to Bakers Wives; they have made boulters of them, I say my pocket was pickt, I have lost a Seal-Ring of my Grandfathers worth forty markes.

Hostess.

Oh Lord I have heard the Prince tell him I know not how oft that Ring was Copper.

Jack.

The Prince is a Jack, a sneak-cap and he were here I would cudgel him like a dog, if he would say so.

Hostess.

Good my Lord hear me.

Jack.

Prithee let her alone and list to me, this house is turn'd bawdy house, my pocket has been pickt here.

Prince.

And what didst thou lose Jack.

Jack.

If thou wilt believe me Hal, three or four Bonds of fourty pounds a peece, and a Seal-Ring of my Grandfathers.

Prince.

A trifle, some eight penny matter.

Hostess.

I told him you said so, and he said he would cudgel you.

Prince.

What a' did not.

Hostess.

As I am a true woman he did.

Jack.

Go you thing, go.

Hostess.

Say, what thing, what thing?

Jack.

Why, a thing to thank God on.

Hostess.

I am nothing to thank God on; I would thou shouldst know it.

Prince.

Thou slanderest her most g[illeg.]e[illeg.]

Hostess.

So he doth you my Lord, he said the other day you ought him a thousand pound.

Prince.

Sirrah do I owe you a thousand pound?

Jack.

A thousand pound Hal a million? thy love is worth a million: thou ow'st me thy love.

Hostess.

Nay, my Lord he cal'd you Jack, and said he would cudgel you.

Jack.

Did I Bardol.

Bardol.

Indeed Sir John you said so.

Jack.

Yea if he said my Ring was Copper.

Prince.

I say 'tis Copper: dar'st thou be as good as thy word now?

Iack.

Why Hal? thou know'st as thou art but a man I dare: but as thou art Prince I fear thee as I fear the roaring of the Lyons Whelp.

Prince.

And why not as the Lyon?

Iack.

The King himself is to be feared as the Lyon: dost thou think I'le fear thee; as I fear thy Father? nay; I do, I pray my Girdle may break.

Prince.

If it should how would thy Guts fall about thy knees.

Iack.

Well I have misus'd the Kings press damnably, I have got in exchang of 150. Souldiers 300. And o[illeg.] p[illeg.]und, I press none but warm slaves that had as [illeg.] hear the divel as a Drum, with hearts in their bellies no bigger then pins heads, and they have bought out their services, and now my whole charge consists of Ancients, Corporals, and the like: A mad fellow met me

on the way, and told me I had unloaded all the Gibbets, & [illeg.]t the dead bodies, there's not a shirt and an halfe in all [illeg.]y company, and the halfe shirt is two napkins tuckt together, and thrown over the shoulders like a Heralds coat without sleeves, and the shirt, to speak truth on't, is stolne from my hoast at St. Albanes, but that's all one, they'l find [illeg.]nen on every hedge.

Prince.

How now Quilt? tell me whose fellows are these that come after?

Jack.

Mine Hal, mine.

Prince

I did never see such pitifull Rascals.

Jack

Tut, tut, good enough to toss; food for powder [illeg.] for powder they'l fill a pit as well as better: mor[illeg.] men, mortall men, but I would all were well Hal.

Prince

Why thou ow'st a death.

Jack.

'Tis not due yet, and I would be loath to pay before the day, what need I be so forward till I am cal'd [illeg.]ou, well [illeg.]is no matter, Honour prickes me on, yea but [illeg.]our pricks me off when I come on? how then? [illeg.]our set to a leg. or an arme? no: or take away the grief of a wound? no: Honour hath no skill in sur[illeg.] then? no: what is Honour? a word: what is that word? Ayre: a trym reckoning: who hath it? he that [illeg.]a wednesday: doth he feel it? no: doth he hear [illeg.] No: 'tis insensible then? yea to the dead: but will not live with the living? No: why? detraction will not offer it: therefore I'le have none of it, Honour is a meere [illeg.]ion, and so ends my Catechisme.

Prince.

What old acquaintance, could not all this flesh [illeg.]ep in a little life? poor Iack farewell; imbowel'd will see thee by and by, till then, in blood by noble Percy lye.

Iack.

Imbowel'd? if thou imbowell me to day, I'le

give you leave to powder me, and eat me to morrow Zlud 'twas time to counterfeit, or the Termagant S[illeg.] had paid me scot and lot too. Counterfeit? I am [illeg.] counterfeit: to die is to be a counterfeit, for he is [illeg.] the counterfeit of a man, who hath not the life of a man but to counterfeit dying when a man thereby liveth, is [illeg.] be no counterfeit, but the true and perfect image of [illeg.] indeed. The better part of valour is destruction in the which better part I have saved my life—I am afraid [illeg.] this Gunpowder Percy, though he be dead; how if he should counterfeit too, and rise? by my faith I am afraid he would prove the better counterfeit: therefore I'le make him sure; yea and I'le swear I slew him, why ma[illeg.] not he rise as well as I? nothing confutes me but my eye[illeg.] and no body sees me, therefore sirrah with a new wound in your thigh, come you along with me.

Prince.

What's here? art thou alive? thou art not what thou seem'st sure.

Iack.

No that's certain, I am not a double man: but If I be not Iack Falstaffe, then I am a Iack: there is Percy if your Father will do me any Honour, So: if not, let him slay the next Percy himselfe: I look to be either Earle of Duke, I can assure you.

Prince.

Why Percy I slew my selfe, and saw thee dead.

Iack.

Did'st thou? Lord, Lord, how the World is given to lying! I grant you I was down, & our of breath, and so was he, but we rose at an instant, and fought a long hour by Shrewsbury Clock, if I may be beleeved, So: if not, let them that should reward valour, bear the sin upon their own heads, I'le take it upon my death I gave him thi[illeg.] wound in the thigh, if the man were alive and would deny it i'de make him eat a peice of my sword.

Prince.

Come bring your luggage nobly on your back[illeg.] for my part, if a lye will do thee grace, I'le guild it with the happiest termes I have.

Jack.

I'le follow, as they say, for a [illeg.]ward: He that [illeg.]wards me, God reward him, if I do grow great, I'le [illeg.]ow less: for i'le purge and leave Sack, and live cleanly, a Noble man should do.