Patroclus.
&blquo;Achilles.
&blquo;I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
&blquo;Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.—
&blquo;Patroclus, let us feast him to the heighth.
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Here comes Thersites.
-- 238 --
&blquo;Enter Thersites with a letter.
&blquo;Ach.
&blquo;How now, thou core of envy?
&blquo;Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Why, thou picture of what thou seem'st, and
idol of ideot-worshippers, here's a letter for thee.&brquo;
&blquo;Ach.
&blquo;From whence, fragment?&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.&brquo;
&blquo;[Achilles reads.
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Who keeps the tent now?&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.&brquo;
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Pr'ythee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy
talk: thou art thought to be Achilles' male harlot.&brquo;
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Male harlot, you rogue? what's that?&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten
diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, loads
of gravel i'th' back, catarrhs, lethargies, cold palsies,
raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders
full of imposthume, sciaticas, lime-kilns i'th' palm,
incurable bone-ach, and the rivel'd fee-simple of the
tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries!&brquo;
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what
meanest thou to curse thus?&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Do I curse thee?&brquo;
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Why, no, you ruinous but; you whorson indistinguishable
cur, no.&brquo;
&blquo;The.
&blquo;No? thou art then exasperate, thou idle immaterial
skein of sleeve silk, thou green sarcenet flap
for a sore eye, thou tossel of a prodigal's purse, thou?
Ah, how the poor world is pester'd with such waterflies;
diminutives of nature!&brquo;
&blquo;Pat.
&blquo;Out, gall!
&blquo;The.
&blquo;Finch-egg!
&blquo;Ach.
&blquo;My sweet Patroclus. I am thwarted quite
&blquo;From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle:
&blquo;Here is a letter from queen Hecuba;
&blquo;A token from her daughter, my fair love;
&blquo;Both taxing me, and gaging me to keep
-- 239 --
&blquo;An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
&blquo;Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honour, or go, or stay;
&blquo;My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.—
&blquo;Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
&blquo;This night in banquetting must all be spent.—
&blquo;Away, Patroclus.
[Exeunt Ach. and Pat.
&blquo;The.
&blquo;With too much blood, and too little brain,
these two may run mad; but if with too much brain,
and too little blood, they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.
Here's Agamemnon,—an honest fellow enough,
and one that loves quails; but he has not so much
brain as ear-wax: And the goodly transformation of
Jupiter there, his brother, the bull,—the primitive
statue, and obelisque memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty
shooing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's leg,
—to what form, but that he is of, should wit larded
with malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him
to? to an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox:
to an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To
be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard,
an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I
would not care: but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I
were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a
lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day! sprites and
fires!&brquo;
* noteEnter Agamemnon, Ajax, Hector, Ulysses, Nestor,
Diomed, Troilus, and Menelaus, with Lights.
Aga.
We go wrong, we go wrong.
Aja.
No, yonder 'tis;
There, where we see the lights.
Hec.
I trouble you.
Aja.
No, not a whit.
Uly.
Here comes himself to guide you.
Enter Achilles.
Ach.
Welcome, brave Hector;—welcome, princes all.
Aga.
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
-- 240 --
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
Hec.
Thanks, and good night, to the Greeks' general.
Men.
Good night, my lord.
Hec.
Good night, sweet Menelaus.
† noteThe.
Sweet draff: Sweet, quoth a'! sweet sink, sweet sewer.
Ach.
Good night, and welcome, both at once, to those
That go, or tarry.
Aga.
Good night.
[Exeunt Aga. and Men.
Ach.
Old Nestor tarries;—and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Dio.
I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now.—Good night, great Hector.
Hec.
Give me your hand.
[To Dio.
Uly.
Follow his torch, he goes to Calchas' tent:
I'll keep you company.
Tro.
Sweet sir, you honour me.
Hec.
And so, good night.
[Exit Diomed; Uly. and Tro. following.
Ach.
Come, come, enter my tent.
[Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax, and Nestor.
The.
That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most
unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers,
than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his
mouth, and promise, like Brabler the hound; but when
he performs, astronomers foretel it; it is prodigious,
there will come some change, the sun borrows of the
moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave
to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say, he keeps
a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll
after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets‡ note.
[Exit.
-- 241 --
John Bell [1774], Bell's Edition of Shakespeare's Plays, As they are now performed at the Theatres Royal in London; Regulated from the Prompt Books of each House By Permission; with Notes Critical and Illustrative; By the Authors of the Dramatic Censor (Printed for John Bell... and C. Etherington [etc.], York) [word count] [S10401].
