Nym.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why then the world's mine oyster, which I with
sword will open.—I will retort the sum in equipage‡ note.
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated
-- 25 --
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you, and
your couch-fellow, Nym; or else you had look'd through
the grate, like* note a geminy of baboons. I am damn'd
in hell for swearing to gentlemen, my friends, you
were good soldiers, and tall fellows. And when Mrs.
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine
honour thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst thou not share? Hadst thou not fifteen-pence?
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: think'st thou I'll endanger
my soul gratis? At a word; hang no more about
me, I am no gibbet for you: go, you'll not bear a letter
for me, you rogue; you stand upon your honour?
why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I
can do to keep the term of my honour precise. I, I, I
myself, sometimes, leaving the fear of Heaven on the
left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am
fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you
rogue will ensconse your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your† note red lattice phrases, and your bold-beating
oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not
do it, you!
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe thee: what would'st thou with me.
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
-- 26 --
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir; I pray come a
little nearer this ways: I myself dwell with Mr. Doctor
Caius.
Fal.
Well on—Mrs. Ford, you say.
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship
come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee nobody hears: mine own people,
mine own people.
Quic.
Are they so? Heav'n bless them, and make
them his servants!
[Exeunt Pistol and Nym.
Fal.
Well: Mrs. Ford—what of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, lord,
your worship's a wanton; well, heav'n forgive you, and
all of us, I pray—
Fal.
Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford—
Quic.
Marry this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries* note, as 'tis wonderful:
the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at
Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary.
Yet there has been knights and lords, and gentlemen,
with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach,
letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly; all
musk! and so rusling, I warrant you, in silk and gold;
and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar
of the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels
given me, this morning; but I defy all angels, in any
such sort as they say, but in the way of honesty; and, I
warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip in
a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has
been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners: but, I
warrant you, all is one with her† note.
-- 27 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she
Mercury?
Quic.
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives
you to notify, that her husband will be absence from his
house, between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her
husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him, he's a very jealousy man; she
leads a very frampold* note life with him, good heart!
Fal.
Ten and eleven; woman, commend me to her;
I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship; Mrs. Page has her hearty commendations
to you, too; and let me tell you in your ear,
she's as fartuous a civil-modest wife, and one (I tell you)
that will not miss your morning and evening prayer† note, as
any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bad me
tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home,
but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a
woman so doat upon a man; surely, I think, you have
charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this; has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Quic.
That were a jest indeed; they have not so little
grace, I hope; that were a trick indeed! But
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
page, of all loves: Her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little page; and truly Master Page is a
very honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a
-- 28 --
better life than she does; do what she will, say what
she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves
it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, truly she
is one. You must send her your page—no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may
come and go between you both; and in any case, have
a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind,
and the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and
know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well; commend me to them both:
there's my purse, I am thy debtor. Boy, go along
with this woman. This news distracts me.
[Exit Quic. and Robin.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done; will
they yet look after thee? wilt thou, after the expence
of so much time and money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee; let them say, 'tis grosly done, so
it be fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Fal.
Brook is his name?
Bard.
Ay, Sir.
Fal.
Call him in—[Exit Bard.] Such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow with such liquor. Ah!
ha! Mistress Ford, and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? Go to, via.
Enter Ford disguis'd, and Bardolph.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir; would you speak with me?
-- 29 --
Ford.
I make bold to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; what's your will? give us.
leave, Bardolph.
[Exit Bard.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge
you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in
better plight for a lender, than you are, the which hath
something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion;
for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.* note
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles
me; if you will help me to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good Mr. Brook; I shall be glad to be your
servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief
with you—and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means as desire to make myself
acquainted with you: I shall discover a thing to
you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfections;
but, good Sir John, as you have one eye
upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another
into the register of your own, that I may pass with
a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it
is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well: Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's
name is Ford.
-- 30 --
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much upon her, follow'd her with a doting
observance, ingross'd opportunities to meet her, fee'd
every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me
sight of her; not only bought many presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what she
would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as love
hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all
occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my
mind, or in my means, meed* note I am sure I have received
none, unless experience be a jewel; that I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this;
“Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
“Pursuing that, that flies, and flying what pursues† note.”
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford.
Like a fair house built on another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking the
place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you all:
some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is
shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally allowed
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
-- 31 --
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it; there is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more, spend all I have, only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to
lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife;
use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if
any man may, you may, as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks
you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift; she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be
look'd against. Now could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument
to commend themselves; I could drive her then
from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which
now are too strongly embatteled against me. What say
you to't, Sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife* note.
Ford.
O, good sir!
Fal.
I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, Sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook, you shall
want none; I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be
with her, between ten and eleven; for at that time the
jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth; come
you to me, at night, you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford, sir?
-- 32 --
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him
not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the
which his wife seems to me well favour'd. I will use
her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's
my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might
avoid him if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue; I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns; Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate
over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife; come
to me soon at night; Ford's a knave, and I'll aggravate
his stile: thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for a
knave and cuckold: come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.* note
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him,
the hour is fix'd, the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman!
My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my
reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this
villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me the wrong. Terms,
names; Amaimon sounds well, Lucifer well, Barbason
well, yet they are devil's additions, the names of fiends;
but cuckold, wittol, cuckold! the devil himself hath not
such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass, he will trust
his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a
Fleming with my butter; parson Hugh, the Welchman,
with my cheese; an Irishman with my Aquavitæ bottle;
or a thief to walk my ambling gelding; than my wife
with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then
she devises; and what they think in their hearts they
may effect, they will break their hearts but they will
-- 33 --
effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven
o'clock the hour; I will prevent this, detect my wife, be
revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page: I will about
it; better three hours too soon, than a minute too late.
Fy, fy, fy; cuckold, cuckold, cuckold; O, the devil!
[Exit.
John Bell [1774], Bell's Edition of Shakespeare's Plays, As they are now performed at the Theatres Royal in London; Regulated from the Prompt Books of each House By Permission; with Notes Critical and Illustrative; By the Authors of the Dramatic Censor (Printed for John Bell... and C. Etherington [etc.], York) [word count] [S10401].
