Hugh Evans.
* noteShal.
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it: if he were twenty
Sir John Falstaff's, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.
Slen.
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace, and Coram.
Shal.
Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
Slen.
Ay, and Rotulorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself Armigero, to any bill,
warrant, quittance, or obligation—Armigero.
Shal.
Ay, that I do, and have done, any time these
three hundred years.
Slen.
All his successors, gone before him, have done't:
and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they
may give the dozen white Luces, in their coat.
Shal.
It is an old coat.
Eva.
The dozen white Lowses† note do become an old
coat well; it agrees well Passant; it is a familiar beast
to man, and signifies love.
Slen.
I may quarter, coz.
Shal.
You may, by marrying.
-- 6 --
Eva.
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
Eva.
Yes, per lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures;
but that is all one: if Sir John Falstaff have
committed disparagements upon you, I am of the church,
and will be glad to do my benevolence, to make atonements
and compromises between you.
Shal.
The council shall hear it; it is a riot.
Eva.
It is not meet the council hear of a riot; there
is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot;
take your vizaments in that* note.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Eva.
It is petter that friends is the sword should end
it; and there is also another device in my prain, which
peradventure prings good discretions with it: there is
Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page,
which is pretty virginity.
Slen.
Mrs. Anne Page? she has brown hair, and speaks
small, like a woman.
Eva.
It is that ferry person for all the orld, as just as
you will desire: and seven hundred pounds of monies,
and gold, and silver, as her grandsire upon his death-bed
give her, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
old: it were a good motion, if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
Abraham Slender, and Mistress Anne Page.
Slen.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pounds!
Eva.
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Slen.
I know the young gentlewoman: she has good
gifts.
Eva.
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot
gifts.
Shal.
Well; let us see honest Mr. Page; is Falstaff
there?
-- 7 --
* noteEva.
Shall I tell you a lye? I do despise a lyar, as
I do despise one that is false; as I despise one that is not
true. The knight, Sir John, is there: and I beseech
you be ruled by your well wishers. I will peat the
door [Knocks.] for Master Page. What, hoa! Got
bless your house here.
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Who's there?
Eva.
Here's Got's plessing and your friend, and
Justice Shallow; and here's young Master Slender, that
peradventure shall tell you another tale, if matters grow
to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worship's well: I thank
you for my venison, Master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good
do it your good heart; I wish'd your venison better; it
was ill kill'd. How doth good Mistress Page? And I
thank you always with my heart, la; with my heart.
Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page.
Sir, he's within; and I would I could do a good
office between you!
Eva.
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, Master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is not that
so, Master Page? He hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath,
at a word he hath: believe me, Robert Shallow, Esquire,
saith, he is wrong'd† note.
Page.
Here comes Sir John.
‡ noteEnter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
Fal.
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to
the king?
-- 8 --
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, kill'd my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
Fal.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter.
Shal.
Tut, a pin; this shall be answer'd.
Fal.
I will answer it, straight; I have done all this.
That is now answer'd.
Shal.
The council shall know this.
Fal.
'Twere better for you, if it were not known in
council; you'll be laugh'd at.
Eva.
Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.
Fal.
Good worts? Good cabbage. Slender, I broke
your head: what matter have you against me?
Slen.
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you, and against your coney-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
Bar.
You Banbury cheese.
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Pist.
How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen.
Ay, it is no matter.
Nym.
Slice, I say, pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my
humour.
Slen.
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
Eva.
Peace, I pray you; now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;
that is Master Page, fidelicet, Master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet, myself; and the third party is, lastly,
and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Mr. Page.
We three to hear it, and end it between
them.
Eva.
Ferry goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note book, and we will afterwards ork upon the cause
with as great discretions as we can.
Fal.
Pistol.
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Eva.
The tevil and his tam; what phrase is this, he
hears with ears? Why it is affectations.
Fal.
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,
-- 9 --
that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece,
of Yead Miller; by these gloves.
Fal.
Is this true, Pistol?
Eva.
No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
Pist.
Ha! thou mountain foreigner; Sir John, and
Master mine, I combat challenge of this Latin bilbo;
word of denial in thy labras* note here; word of denial;
froth and scum, thou ly'st.
Slen.
By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
Nym.
Be advis'd, sir, and pass good humours: I will
say marry-trap with you, if you run the base humour on
me; that is the very note of it† note.
Slen.
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
tho' I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal.
What say you, Scarlet and John?
Bard.
Why, sir, for my part, I say, the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva.
It is his five senses: fye, what the ignorance is.
Bard.
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd,
and so conclusions past the carriers.
Slen.
Ay, you spoke in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter; I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; and not
with drunken knaves.
Eva.
So got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal.
You hear all these matters deny'd, gentlemen,
you hear it.
Enter Mrs. Anne Page, with wine.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink
within.
[Exit Anne Page.
Slen.
Oh heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
-- 10 --
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, meeting.
Page.
How now, Mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met; by your leave, Mistress Ford.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome; come,
we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exit Falstaff, Page, &c.
Manent Shallow, Evans, and Slender.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my book
of songs and sonnets here.
Enter Simple.
How, now Simple, where have you been? I must wait on
myself, must I? you have not the book of riddles about
you, have you?
Simp.
Book of riddles! why, did you not lend it to
Alice Short-cake, upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
Martlemas?
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you: a
word with you, coz: marry this, coz; there is, as 'twere,
a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off, by Sir Hugh
here: do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
I will do that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, sir.
Eva.
Give ear to his motions, Mr. Slender: I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
you, pardon me: he's a justice of peace in his country,
simple tho' I stand here.
Eva.
But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon any reasonable
demands.
-- 11 --
Eva.
But can you affection the 'oman? let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for
divers* note philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good
will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slen.
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
Eva.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards
her.
Shal.
That you must:
Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz;
what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: can you love the
maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if
there be no great love in the begining, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married
and have more occasion to know one another; I
hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But
if you say, marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely
dissolved, and dissolutely† note.
Eva.
It is a ferry discretion answer; save, the fault
is in th' ort dissolutely: the ort is, according to our
meaning, resolutely; his meaning is goot.
Shal.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hang'd, la.
Enter Mistress Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair Mistress Anne. Would I were
young, for your sake, Mistress Anne!
-- 12 --
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father desires
your Worship's company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
Eva.
Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at the
grace.
[Exeunt Shallow and Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you forsooth, heartily, I am very
well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.
I am not an hungry, I thank you, forsooth: go,
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
Shallow. [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace sometime
may be beholden to his friend for a man. I keep but
three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead; but
what tho', yet I live a poor gentleman born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your Worship; they
will not sit, till you come.
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much
as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen.* note
I had rather walk here, I thank you; I bruis'd
my shin th'other day, with playing at sword and dagger,
with a master of fence, three veneys† note for a dish of
stewed prunes, and by my troth, I cannot abide the smell
of hot meat, since. Why do your dogs bark so? be
there bears i'th' town?
Anne.
I think there are, sir, I heard them talk'd of.
Slen.
I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it, as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not?
Anne.
Ay, indeed, sir.
Slen.
That's meat and drink to me, now; I have seen
Sackerson loose, twenty times, and have taken him by the
chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cry'd and
shriekt at it, that it past: but women, indeed, cannot
abide 'em; they are very ill-favour'd rough things.
-- 13 --
Enter Mr. Page.
Page.
Come, gentle Mr. Slender, come; we stay for
you.
Slen.
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.
By cock and pye, you shall not choose, sir;
come, come.
Slen.
Nay, pray you lead the way.
Page.
Come on, sir.
[Exit Page.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first, truly-la: I will not do
you that wrong.
Anne.
I pray you, sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome;
you do yourself wrong, indeed-la.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Re-enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house
which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress
Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse; or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his
wringer.
Simp.
Well, sir.
Eva.
Nay, it is petter yet; give her this letter; for
it is a'omen that altagether's acquaintance with Mistress
Anne Page, and the letter is to desire and require her to
solicit your master's desires to Mrs. Anne Page: I pray
you be gone; I will make an end of my dinner: there's
pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt severally.
SCENE III,
the Garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff, meeting Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
* noteFal.
Which of you know Ford, of this town?
-- 14 --
Pist.
I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
Fal.
My honest lads, what think you I am about.
Pist.
Two yards and more.
Fal.
No quips now, Pistol: Indeed I am in the waste
two yards about; but I am now about no waste, I am
about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she
carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe
the action of her familiar stile, and the hardest
voice of her behaviour, to be english'd right, is, I am
Sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath study'd her well, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English.
Fal.
Now the report goes, she has all the rule of her
husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
Nym.
The humour rises; it is good; humour me the
angels.
Fal.
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me willing
eyes too, examin'd my parts; sometimes she kindly
view'd my goodly legs, sometimes my portly belly.
Pist.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym.
I thank thee for that humour.
Fal.
O she did so course o'er my exteriors with such
a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem
to scorch me up like a burning-glass: here's another
letter to her; she bears the purse too; she is a region
in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to
them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they
shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to
them both. Go, bear thou this letter to Mrs. Page,
and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads,
we will thrive* note.
Pist.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become;
And by my side wear steel? Then, Lucifer, take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour: here take the
-- 15 --
humour letter, I will keep the 'haviour of reputation* note.
Fal.
Here, boy, bear you these letters as they are
directed.
[To Robin.
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hail stones; go.
Trudge, plod away o'th'hoof, seek shelter, pack:
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age.
French thrift, you rogues, myself, and skirted Page.
[Exit Fal. and Boy.
Pist.
Let vultures gripe thy guts; for gord and
† notefullam holds: and high and low beguiles the rich and
poor. Tester I'll have in pouch, when thou shalt lack,
base Phrygian Turk.
Nym.
I have operations in my head,
Which be humours of revenge.
Pist.
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym.
By welkin and her star.
Pist.
With wit, or steel?
Nym.
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love, to Ford.
Pist.
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
Nym.
My humour shall not cool; I will incense Ford
to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mien is dangerous: that is
my true humour.
Pist.
Thou art the Mars of male-contents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV,
Doctor Caius' House.
Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple, and John Rugby.
Quick.
What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the
casement, and see if you can see my master, master
-- 16 --
doctor Caius, coming; if he do, I'faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
heav'n's patience, and the king's English.
Rug.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quic.
Go, we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire: an honest,
willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house
withal, and I warrant you no tell-tale, nor no breedbate* note;
his worst fault is, that he is given to canting;
he is something peevish that way; but nobody but
has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say
your name is.
Simp.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quic.
And, master Slender's your master?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth.
Quic.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
Simp.
No, forsooth; he hath but a little wee face,
with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colour'd beard.
Quic.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Simp.
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his
hands, as any is between this and his head: he hath
fought with a warrener.
Quic.
How say you? Oh, I should remember him;
does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in
his gait?
Simp.
Yes, indeed, does he.
Quic.
Well, heav'n send Anne Page no worse fortune.
Tell master parson Evans I will do what I can for
your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish—
Enter Rugby.
Rug.
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Quic.
We shall all be undone; run in here, good
young man; go into this closet; [shuts Simple in the
closet.] He will not stay long. What, John Rugby!
John! What John, I say; go John, go inquire for
my master, I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home; and down, down, down a, &c.
[Sings.
-- 17 --
Enter Doctor Caius* note.
Caius.
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys; pray
you go and vetch me in my closet, un boitier verd; a box,
a green-a-box; do intend vat I speak? a green-a-box.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.
I am glad he went not in himself; if he had found
the man, he would have been horn-mad.
[Aside.
Caius.
Fe, fe, fe, fe, ma foi. Il fait fort chaud, je
me'n vaie a la Cour—la grande affaire.
Quic.
Is it this, Sir?
Caius.
Ouy, mette le au mon pocket, depech, quickly:
Ver is dat knave Rugby?
Quic.
What, John Rugby! John!
Rug.
Here, Sir.
Caius.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby;
come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to
the court.
Rug.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Caius.
By my trot I tarry too long, Od's me Qu'ay je
oublie: dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vil not
for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quic.
Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be
mad.
Caius.
O Diable, Diable; vat is in my closet?
Villaine, Larron, Rugby! my rapier.
[Pulls Simple out of the closet.
Quic.
Good master, be content.
Caius.
Wherefore should I be content-a?
Quic.
The young man is an honest man.
Caius.
What shall de honest man do in my closet?
dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quic.
I beseech you be not so phlegmatic; hear the
truth of it. He came of an errand to me from parson
Hugh.
Caius.
Vell.
-- 18 --
Simp.
Ay forsooth, to desire her to—
Quic.
Peace, I pray you.
Caius.
Peace a your tongue, speak a your tale.
Simp.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid,
to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page, for my
master, in the way of marriage.
Quic.
This is all, indeed—la; but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
Caius.
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez me some
paper; tarry you a little a-while.
Quic.
I am glad he is so quiet; if he had been thoroughly
moved, you should have heard him so loud, and so
melancholy: but notwithstanding, man, I'll do for your
master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master, I may call him my master,
look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew,
bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and
do all, myself* note.
Simp.
'Tis a great charge to come under one body's
hand.
Quic.
Are you advis'd o' that? you shall find it a great
charge; and to be up early, and down late. But notwithstanding,
to tell you in your ear; I would have no
words of it, my master himself is in love with Mistress
Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's
mind, that's neither here nor there.
Caius.
You jack a-nape; give a this letter to Sir
Hugh; by gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
parke, and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to
meddle or make—You may be gone, it is not good you
tarry here.
[Exit Simple.
Quic.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius.
It is no matter a ver dat: do you not tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? by gar, I will
kill de jack preest; and I have appointed mine host of
de Jarteer to measure our weapon; by gar, I will myself
have Anne Page.
-- 19 --
Quic.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well:
we must give folks leave to prate; what the good-jer.
Caius.
Rugby, come to the court with me; by gar, if
I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door; follow my heels, Rugby.
[Ex. Caius and Rugby.
Quic.
You shall have a fool's head of your own. No,
I know Anne's mind for that; never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heav'n.
Fent. [within]
Who's within there, hoa?
Quic.
Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I
pray you.
Enter Mr. Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman, how dost thou?
Quic.
The better that it pleases your good worship
to ask.
Fent.
What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?
Quic.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle, and one that is your friend, I can tell you that,
by the way, I praise heav'n for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not
lose my suit?
Quic.
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above; but notwithstanding,
Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book
she loves you: have not your worship a wart, above your
eye* note?
Fent.
Yes, marry have I; and what of that?
Quic.
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is
such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread; we had an hour's talk of that wart: I shall
never laugh but in that maid's company! but, indeed,
she is given too much to allicholly and musing; but for
you—Well—go to—
Fent.
Well, I shall see her, to-day; hold, there's money
for thee: let me have thy voice in my behalf; if
thou seest her before me, commend me—
-- 20 --
Quic.
Will I? Ay, faith, that we will: and I will tell
your worship more of the wart, the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent.
Well, farewel, I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quic.
Farewel to your worship. Truly an honest
gentleman; but Anne loves him not; I know Anne's
mind as well as another does. Out upon't, what have
I forgot?
[Exit.* note
ACT II.
SCENE I,
a Street before Mr. Page's House.
Enter Mrs. Page, with a Letter.
Mrs. Page.
What, have I 'scap'd love letters in
the holy-day time of my beauty, and
am I now a subject for them? let me see:
Ask me no reasons why I love you, for though love uses
Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor:
you are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's
sympathy. You are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's
more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you
desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at
the least if the love of a soldier can suffice, that I love thee.
I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; but
I say, love me.
By me, thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked
world! what unweigh'd behaviour hath this Flemish
drunkard pickt out of my conversation, that he dares
-- 21 --
in this manner assay me? why, he hath not been
thrice in my company: how shall I be revenged on him?
for reveng'd I will be.
Enter Mrs. Ford* note
Mrs. Ford.
Mrs. Page, trust me, I was going to your
house.
Mrs. Page.
And trust me, I was coming to you; you
look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that. I have to
shew to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet I say, I could shew
you to the contrary: O Mistress Page, give me some
counsel.
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman! if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honour.
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour;
what is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page.
What! you jest.
Mrs. Ford.
We burn day-light—here, read, read,
perceive how I might be knighted: I shall think the
worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
difference of men's liking; and yet he would not swear,
praise women's modesty, and give such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would
have sworn his disposition would have gone to the
truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and
keep place together, than the hundreth psalm to the
tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale ashore at Windsor? How shall I be reveng'd on
him? Did you ever hear the like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this
-- 22 --
mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter; but let thine inherit first, for I protest mine never
shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters
writ with blank spaces, for different names.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same, the very hand,
the very words: what doth he think of us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not; it makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty* note: I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for sure unless he knew some strain in me, that I know
not myself, he would never have boarded me in this
fury.
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding, call it you?
Mrs. Page.
Let's be reveng'd on him, let's appoint
him a meeting, and lead him on with a fine baited delay,
till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine host of the
Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villany
against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty† note:
O that my husband saw this letter, it would give
eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look where he comes, and my good
man too: he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving
him cause, and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither.
[They retire.‡ note
Enter Ford and Page.
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me, did you
not&verbar2; note?
-- 23 --
Page.
Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves, I do not think the knight
would offer it; but these that accuse him in this intent
towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded men, very
rogues now they be out of service.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that.
Does he lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry does he. If he would intend his
voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie
on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loth
to turn them together; a man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head; I cannot be thus
satisfy'd.
Page.
Look, where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in
his purse, when he looks so merrily. How now, mine
host?
Enter Host and Shallow.
Host.
How now, bully-rock? thou'rt a gentleman,
cavaliero-justice, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even, and
twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with
us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rock.
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir
Hugh, the Welsh priest, and Caius, the French doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o'th Garter, a word with you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully-rock?
Shal.
Will you go with us to behold it? my merry
host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I
think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe
me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will
tell you what our sport shall be.
-- 24 --
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest,
cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest; but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my
name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a
merry knight. Will you go on, heris* note?
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more; in these
times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccado's, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,
'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword, I
† notewould have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host.
Here, boys, here, here; shall we wag?
Page.
Have with you; I had rather hear them scold,
than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page.
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly
on his wife's fealty, yet I cannot put off my opinion
so easily. She was in his company, at Page's house,
and what they made there I know not. Well, I will
look further into't; and I have a disguise to sound
Falstaff: If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if
she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit.
SCENE II,
the Garter-Inn.
Enter Falstaff, Pistol, and Nym.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why then the world's mine oyster, which I with
sword will open.—I will retort the sum in equipage‡ note.
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated
-- 25 --
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you, and
your couch-fellow, Nym; or else you had look'd through
the grate, like* note a geminy of baboons. I am damn'd
in hell for swearing to gentlemen, my friends, you
were good soldiers, and tall fellows. And when Mrs.
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine
honour thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst thou not share? Hadst thou not fifteen-pence?
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: think'st thou I'll endanger
my soul gratis? At a word; hang no more about
me, I am no gibbet for you: go, you'll not bear a letter
for me, you rogue; you stand upon your honour?
why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I
can do to keep the term of my honour precise. I, I, I
myself, sometimes, leaving the fear of Heaven on the
left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am
fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you
rogue will ensconse your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your† note red lattice phrases, and your bold-beating
oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not
do it, you!
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quic.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quic.
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe thee: what would'st thou with me.
Quic.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
-- 26 --
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
Quic.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir; I pray come a
little nearer this ways: I myself dwell with Mr. Doctor
Caius.
Fal.
Well on—Mrs. Ford, you say.
Quic.
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship
come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee nobody hears: mine own people,
mine own people.
Quic.
Are they so? Heav'n bless them, and make
them his servants!
[Exeunt Pistol and Nym.
Fal.
Well: Mrs. Ford—what of her?
Quic.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, lord,
your worship's a wanton; well, heav'n forgive you, and
all of us, I pray—
Fal.
Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford—
Quic.
Marry this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries* note, as 'tis wonderful:
the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at
Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary.
Yet there has been knights and lords, and gentlemen,
with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach,
letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly; all
musk! and so rusling, I warrant you, in silk and gold;
and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar
of the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels
given me, this morning; but I defy all angels, in any
such sort as they say, but in the way of honesty; and, I
warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip in
a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has
been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners: but, I
warrant you, all is one with her† note.
-- 27 --
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she
Mercury?
Quic.
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives
you to notify, that her husband will be absence from his
house, between ten and eleven.
Fal.
Ten and eleven.
Quic.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her
husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him, he's a very jealousy man; she
leads a very frampold* note life with him, good heart!
Fal.
Ten and eleven; woman, commend me to her;
I will not fail her.
Quic.
Why you say well: But I have another messenger
to your worship; Mrs. Page has her hearty commendations
to you, too; and let me tell you in your ear,
she's as fartuous a civil-modest wife, and one (I tell you)
that will not miss your morning and evening prayer† note, as
any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bad me
tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home,
but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a
woman so doat upon a man; surely, I think, you have
charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quic.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this; has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Quic.
That were a jest indeed; they have not so little
grace, I hope; that were a trick indeed! But
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little
page, of all loves: Her husband has a marvellous infection
to the little page; and truly Master Page is a
very honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a
-- 28 --
better life than she does; do what she will, say what
she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise
when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves
it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, truly she
is one. You must send her your page—no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quic.
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may
come and go between you both; and in any case, have
a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind,
and the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and
know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well; commend me to them both:
there's my purse, I am thy debtor. Boy, go along
with this woman. This news distracts me.
[Exit Quic. and Robin.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done; will
they yet look after thee? wilt thou, after the expence
of so much time and money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee; let them say, 'tis grosly done, so
it be fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Fal.
Brook is his name?
Bard.
Ay, Sir.
Fal.
Call him in—[Exit Bard.] Such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow with such liquor. Ah!
ha! Mistress Ford, and Mistress Page, have I encompass'd
you? Go to, via.
Enter Ford disguis'd, and Bardolph.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir; would you speak with me?
-- 29 --
Ford.
I make bold to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; what's your will? give us.
leave, Bardolph.
[Exit Bard.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours; not to charge
you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in
better plight for a lender, than you are, the which hath
something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion;
for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.* note
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles
me; if you will help me to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good Mr. Brook; I shall be glad to be your
servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief
with you—and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means as desire to make myself
acquainted with you: I shall discover a thing to
you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfections;
but, good Sir John, as you have one eye
upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another
into the register of your own, that I may pass with
a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it
is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well: Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's
name is Ford.
-- 30 --
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long lov'd her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much upon her, follow'd her with a doting
observance, ingross'd opportunities to meet her, fee'd
every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me
sight of her; not only bought many presents to give
her, but have given largely to many, to know what she
would have given: briefly, I have pursued her, as love
hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all
occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my
mind, or in my means, meed* note I am sure I have received
none, unless experience be a jewel; that I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this;
“Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
“Pursuing that, that flies, and flying what pursues† note.”
Fal.
Have you receiv'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford.
Like a fair house built on another man's
ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by mistaking the
place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told you all:
some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is
shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally allowed
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
-- 31 --
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it; there is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more, spend all I have, only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to
lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife;
use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if
any man may, you may, as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemence of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks
you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift; she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be
look'd against. Now could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument
to commend themselves; I could drive her then
from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which
now are too strongly embatteled against me. What say
you to't, Sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife* note.
Ford.
O, good sir!
Fal.
I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money, Sir John, you shall want
none.
Fal.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook, you shall
want none; I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her
assistant, or go-between, parted from me; I say I shall be
with her, between ten and eleven; for at that time the
jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth; come
you to me, at night, you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford, sir?
-- 32 --
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him
not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the
which his wife seems to me well favour'd. I will use
her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer, and there's
my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might
avoid him if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue; I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's
horns; Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate
over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife; come
to me soon at night; Ford's a knave, and I'll aggravate
his stile: thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for a
knave and cuckold: come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.* note
What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him,
the hour is fix'd, the match is made. Would any man
have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman!
My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my
reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this
villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me the wrong. Terms,
names; Amaimon sounds well, Lucifer well, Barbason
well, yet they are devil's additions, the names of fiends;
but cuckold, wittol, cuckold! the devil himself hath not
such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass, he will trust
his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a
Fleming with my butter; parson Hugh, the Welchman,
with my cheese; an Irishman with my Aquavitæ bottle;
or a thief to walk my ambling gelding; than my wife
with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then
she devises; and what they think in their hearts they
may effect, they will break their hearts but they will
-- 33 --
effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven
o'clock the hour; I will prevent this, detect my wife, be
revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page: I will about
it; better three hours too soon, than a minute too late.
Fy, fy, fy; cuckold, cuckold, cuckold; O, the devil!
[Exit.
SCENE III.
Windsor Park.
Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby.
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack.
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come;
he has pray his pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rug.
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would
kill him if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is not so dead as me vill
make him; take your rapier, Jack, I vill tell you how
I vill kill him.
Rug.
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Caius.
Villany; take your rapier.
Rug.
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page.
Host.
'Bless thee, Bully-doctor.
Shal.
Save you, Mr. Doctor Caius.
Page.
Now, good Mr. Doctor.
Slen.
Give you good-morrow, sir.
Caius.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host.
To see thee fight, to see the foigne, to see the
traverse, to see the here, to see the there, to see the pass
by puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy
montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my
Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Æsculapius? My
-- 34 --
Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully-stale
Is he dead* note?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld;
he is not show his face.
Host.
Thou art a Castalian King Urinal: Hector of
Greece, my boy.
Caius.
I pray you bear witness, that me have stay six
or seven, two, tree hours, for him, and he is no come.
Shal.
He is a wiser man, Mr. Doctor; he is a curer
of souls, and you are a curer of bodies: if you should
fight, you go against the hair of your professions: Is it
not true, Master Page?
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, tho' now a man of peace.
Shal.
Body-kins, Mr. Page, tho' I now be old, and of
peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make
one; tho' we are justices, and doctors, and church-men,
Mr. Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are
the sons of women, Mr. Page.
Page.
'Tis true, Mr. Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, Mr. Page. Mr. Dr. Caius,
I am come to fetch you home; I am sworn of the
peace; you have shewed yourself a wise physician,
and Sir Hugh hath shewn himself a wise and patient
church-man: you must go with me, Mr. Doctor.
Host.
Pardon, guest-justice; a word, Monsieur Mock-water.
Caius.
Mock-vater? Vat is dat?
Host.
Mock-water, in our English Tongue, is valour,
bully.
Caius.
By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as
de scurvy jack-dog-priest; by gar me will cut his
ears.
Host.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Caius.
Clapper de-claw? Vat is dat† note?
-- 35 --
Host.
That is, he will make thee amends.
Caius.
By gar me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
Caius.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully; but first, Mr. Guest, and
Mr. Page, and eke Cavalerio Slender, go you through the
town to Frogmore.
Page.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host.
He is there; see what humour he is in; and I
will bring the doctor about the fields: will it do well?
Shal.
We will do it.
All.
Adieu, good Mr. Doctor.
[Exit Page, Shal. and Slen.
Caius.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for
a jack-an ape to Anne Page.
Host.
Sheath thy impatience; throw cold water on
thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore;
I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is,
at a farm-house a feasting, and thou shalt woo her:
said I well?
Caius.
By gar, me tank you vor dat! by gar, I love
you; and I will procure 'a you de good guest; de earl,
de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page: said I well?
Caius.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag, then.
Caius.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.* note
-- 36 --
ACT III.
SCENE I.
Frogmore, near Windsor.
Enter Evans and Simple.
Eva.
I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you look'd for Master Caius, that calls himself
Doctor of Physick?
Simp.
Marry, sir, the Pitty-wary, the Park-ward,
every way, Old Windsor way, and every way, but the
town way.
Eva.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also look
that way.
Simp.
I will, sir.
Eva.
'Pless my soul, how full of cholars I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived
me; how melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals
about his knave's costard, when I have good opportunities
for the ork; 'pless my soul:
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals;
There will we make our peds with roses,
And a thousand vagrant poses.
By shallow—
Mercy on me, I have a great disposition to cry!
Melodious birds sing madrigals
—When as I sat in pabilon;
And a thousand vagrant poses.
By shallow* note, &c.
Sim.
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Eva.
He's welcome. By shallow rivers to whose
falls—Heaven prosper the right! what weapons is he.
Sim.
No weapons, sir; there comes my master, Mr.
Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore, over the
stile, this way.
Eva.
Pray you, give me my gown, or else keep it
in your arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Shal.
How now, Master Parson? Good-morrow, good
-- 37 --
Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slen.
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page.
Save you, good Sir Hugh.
Eva.
'Ples you from his mercy sake, all of you.
Shal.
What the sword and the word?
Do you study them both, Mr. Parson?
Page.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw rheumatic day?
Eva.
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you to do a good office, Mr.
Parson.
Eva.
Ferry well: what is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike,
having received wrong by some person, is at most
odds with his own gravity and patience, that ever you
saw.
Shal.
I have lived fourscore years and upwards; I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so
wide of his own respect.
Eva.
What is he?
Page.
I think you know him—Mr. Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
Eva.
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had
as lief you should tell me of a mess of porridge* note.
Page.
Why?
Eva.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen; and he is a knave besides, a cowardly knave, as
you would desire to be acquainted withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with
him.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page!
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal.
It appears so by his weapons: keep them asunder;
here comes Doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay, good Mr. Parson, keep in your weapon.
-- 38 --
Shal.
So do you, good Mr. Doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question: let them
keep their limbs whole, and hack our English* note.
Caius.
I pray you, let a me speak a word with the
ear: wherefore will you not meet a me?
Eva.
Pray you, use your patience in good time.
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John
ape.
Eva.
Pray you, let us not be laughing stocks to other
men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and will one
way or other make you amends; I will knog your urinal
about your knave's cog's comb, for missing your meetings
and appointments.
Caius.
Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarter, have
not I stay for him, to kill him? have I not, at the place
I did appoint?
Eva.
As I am a Christian soul, now look you, this is
the place appointed; I'll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say; Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer.
Caius.
Ay dat is very good, excellent.
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter.
Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall
I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my
Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs, and the noverbs.
Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so give us thy
hand, celestial: so, boys of art, I have deceived you both,
I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be
the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me,
lad of peace, follow, follow, follow† note.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host! follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page!
[Ex. Shal. Page, and Host.
-- 39 --
Caius.
Ha! do I perceive dat? Have you make a-de
sot of us, ha, ha?
Eva.
This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog:
I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our
prains together, to be revenge on this same scall'd scurvy
cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Caius.
By gar, with all my heart; he promise to bring
me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Eva.
Well, I will smite his noddles; pray you
follow.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II,
a Street in Windsor.
Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant, you
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader:
whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your
master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man,
than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page.
O you are a flattering boy, now you'll be
a courtier.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, Mistress Page; whither go you?
Mrs. Page.
Truly, sir, to see your wife; is she at
home?
Ford.
Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company; I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.
Mrs. Page.
Be sure of that, two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mrs. Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is,
my husband had him of: what do you call your knight's
name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff!
Mrs. Page.
He, he; I can never hit his name; there
is such a league between my good man and he; is your
good wife at home, indeed?
-- 40 --
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
Mrs. Page.
By your leave, sir; I am sick till I see
her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
* noteFord
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath
he any thinking? sure they sleep; he hath no use of
them. Why this boy will carry a letter twenty miles, as
easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score:
he pieces out his wife's inclination, he gives her folly
motion and advantage; and now she's going to my wife,
and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this
shower sing in the wind; and Falstaff's boy with her!
good plots, they are laid. Well, I will take him, then
torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty
from the so seeming Mrs. Page, divulge Page himself
for a secure and wilful Acteon—[Clock strikes ten.] The
clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search; there shall I find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised
for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is
firm, that Falstaff is there.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, and Caius.
Shal. Page, &c.
Well met, Mr. Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at
home, and I pray you all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse myself, Mr. Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir
We have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne;
And I would not break with her for more money
Than I'll speak of.
Shal.
We have linger'd about a match between Anne
Page and my cousin Slender; and this day we shall have
our answer.
Slen.
I hope I shall have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, Mr. Slender, I stand wholly for you;
but my wife, master doctor, is for you, all-together.
-- 41 --
Caius.
Ay, by gar, and de maid is love a-me: my
nursh-a-Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young Mr. Fenton? he capers,
he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holy-days, he smells April and May; he will
carry't, he will carry't, he will carry't.
Page.
Not by my consent, I promise you: The
wealth I have, waits on my consent, and my consent
goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner; besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; and I will shew you a monster. Mr. Doctor, you
shall go; so shall you, Mr. Page, and you Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well;
We shall have the freer wooing at Mr. Page's.
Caius.
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Host.
Farewel, my heart; I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
Ford's House.
Enter Mistress Ford, Mistress Page, and servants with a basket.
Mrs. Ford.
What John! what Robert!
Mrs. Page.
Quickly, quickly: Is the buck-basket—
Mrs. Ford.
I warrant. What, Robin, I say.
Mrs. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page.
Give your men the charge, we must be
brief.
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard-by in the brewhouse; and
when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any
pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders;
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it
among the whitsters in Datchet mead, and there empty
it in the muddy ditch, close by the Thames side.
Mrs. Page.
You will do it?
-- 42 --
Mrs. Ford.
I ha' told them over and over; they lack
no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Mrs. Page.
Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin.
Mrs. Ford.
How now, my eyas-musket* note, what news
with you?
Rob.
My master, Sir John, is come in at your backdoor,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mrs. Page.
You little jack-a-lent, have you been true
to us?
Rob.
Ay, I'll be sworn; my master knows not of your
being here, and hath threaten'd to put me into everlasting
liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll
turn me away.
Mrs. Page.
Thou art a good boy; I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford.
Do so; go tell thy master I am alone;
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
[Exit Rob.
Mrs. Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Go to, then; we'll use this unwholsome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion—we'll teach him to
know turtles from jays.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? This
is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mrs. Ford.
O sweet Sir John!
Fal.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog; I cannot flatter,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish. I would
thy husband were dead, I'll speak it before the best
lord in the land, I would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford.
I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I would be
a pitiful lady.
Fal.
Let the court of France shew me such another: I
see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou
hast the right arched bent of the brow.
-- 43 --
Mrs. Ford.
A plain kerchiffe, Sir John:
My brows become nothing else, nor that well, neither.
Fal.
Thou art a tyrant to say so, thou would'st make
an absolute courtier. If Fortune's thy foe, Nature is
thy friend: come, thou canst not hide it.
Mrs. Ford.
Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
Fal.
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee. There's something extraordinary in thee. Come,
I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping haw-thorn buds that come like
women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklers-Bury
in simpling-time: I cannot; but I love thee, none
but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs. Ford.
Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress
Page.
Fal.
Thou might'st as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a
lime-kiln* note.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, 'tis certain I love you, and you
shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do: or else I
could not be in that mind.
Rob. [within]
Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, here's
Mistress Page at the door, and must needs speak with
you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
Mrs. Ford.
Pray you do so; she's a very tattling
woman.
Enter Mrs. Page.
What's the matter? how now?
Mrs. Page.
O Mistress Ford, what have you done,
now? You're sham'd, you're overthrown, you're undone,
for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
-- 44 --
Mrs. Page.
O well a day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of
suspicion!
Mrs. Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs. Page.
What cause of suspicion! Out upon you;
how am I mistook in you!
Mrs. Ford.
What alas! what's the matter?
Mrs. Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by your
consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You
are undone.
Mrs. Ford.
'Tis not so, I hope.
Mrs. Page.
Pray heav'n it be not so, that you have
such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's
coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such
a one. I come before to tell you: if you know yourself
clear, why I am glad of it; but if you have a friend
here, convey, convey him out. Be not amaz'd, call all
your senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farewel
to your good life, for ever* note.
Mrs. Ford.
What shall I do? there is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much
as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he
were out of the house.
Mrs. Page.
For shame, never stand you had rather,
and you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink
you of some conveyance; in the house you cannot
hide him. Oh, how you have deceived me! look, here
is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may
creep in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as if it
were going to bucking: or it is whiting time, send him
by your two men to Datchet mead.
Mrs. Ford.
He is too big to go in there: what shall
I do!
-- 45 --
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't, O let me see't,
I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel; I'll in* note.
Mrs. Page.
What, Sir John Falstaff? are these your
letters, knight?
Fal.
I love thee, help me away! let me creep in here:
I'll never—
[He goes into the basket, they cover him with foul linen.
Mrs. Page.
Help to cover him; call your men, Mrs.
Ford. You dissembling knight!
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, Robert, John, go take up these
cloaths here quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? Carry
them to the laundress, at Datchet mead; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Evans.
Ford.
Pray you come near; if I suspect, without cause,
why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest, I
deserve it. How now? whither bear you this?
Ser.
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash myself of the
buck: buck, buck, buck, ay, buck: I warrant you, buck,
and of the season too, it shall appear.
[Exeunt Servants with the basket.
Gentlemen, I have dreamt to night, I'll tell you my
dream: here, here, here, by my eyes; ascend my chambers,
search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel
the fox. Let me stop this way, first: so, now uncape.
Page.
Good Master Ford, be contented:
You wrong yourself too much.
Ford.
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall
see sport anon; follow me, gentlemen.
Eva.
This is ferry fantastical humours and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France—
-- 46 --
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of
his search.
[Exeunt.
Manent Mistress Page and Mistress Ford
Mrs. Page.
Is there not a double excellency in
this?
Mrs. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better, that
my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Mrs. Page.
What a taking was he in, when your
husband ask'd who was in the basket!
Mrs. Ford.
I am half afraid he will have need of
washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a
benefit.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal; I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford.
I think my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here! I never saw him so
gross in his jealousy, till now.
Mrs. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress
Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
and give him another hope, to betray him to another
punishment?
Mrs. Page.
We'll do it; let him be sent for, to-morrow,
by eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, &c.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be, the knave bragg'd
of that he could not compass.
Mrs. Page.
Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford.
I, I, peace;—you use me well, Master
Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, ay, I do so.
Mrs. Page.
Heav'n make you better than your thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
Mrs. Page.
You do yourself mighty wrong, Mr. Ford.
-- 47 --
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Enter Evans.
Eva.
If there be any pody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heav'n
forgive my sins!
Caius.
By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
Page.
Fye, fye, Mr. Ford, are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil, suggests this imagination? I
would not have your distemper in this kind, for the
wealth of Windsor-Castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, Mr. Page, I suffer for it.
Eva.
You suffer for pad conscience; your wife is as
honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five thousand,
and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well, I promised you a dinner; come, come,
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter
make known to you why I have done this. Come,
wife; come, Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me:
pray heartily pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll
mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my
house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together; I
have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
Ford.
Any thing.
Pray you go, Mr. Page.
Eva.
I pray you now remembrance to-morrow on the
lousy knave, mine host.
Caius.
Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.
Eva.
A lousy knave! to have his gibes, and his
mockeries.
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
Mr. Page's House.
Enter Fenton, and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent.
I see I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
-- 48 --
Anne.
Alas! how then?
Fent.
He doth object I am too great of birth,
And that, my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth.
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
My riots past, my wild societies;
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heav'n so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value,
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself,
That now I aim at.
Anne.
Gentle Mr. Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love, still seek it, sir:
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then—hark you hither.
Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, Mistress Quickly.
My kinsman shall speak for himself.
Slen.
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on it: 'D'slid, 'tis
but venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismay'd.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me:
I care not for that, but that I am afeard.
Quic.
Hark'ye; Mr. Slender would speak a word with
you.
Anne.
I come to him. This is my father's choice.
O what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Look handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
Quic.
And how does good Master Fenton?
Pray you, a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming: to her, coz.
O boy, thou hadst a father!
Slen.
I had a father, Mrs. Anne; my uncle can tell you
good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mrs. Anne the
-- 49 --
jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good
uncle.
Shal.
Mrs. Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
Shal.
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slen.
Ay, that I will; come cut and long tail, under
the degree of a squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds
a year jointure.
Anne.
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that
good comfort; she calls you, Coz. I'll leave you.
Anne.
Now, Master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good Mrs. Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? Od's-heart-lings, that's a pretty jest,
indeed: I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heav'n; I am
not such a sickly creature, I give heav'n praise.
Anne.
I mean, Mr. Slender, what would you with me?
* noteSlen.
Truly, for my own part, I would little or nothing
with you; your father and my uncle have made
motions; if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be
his dole! They can tell you how things go, better than
I can; you may ask your father; here he comes.
Enter Page, and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.
Why how now? What does Master Fenton, here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fen.
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page.
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow; come, Son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
-- 50 --
Quic.
Speak to Mistress Page.
Fent.
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter,
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Let me have your good will.
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yon fool.
Mrs. Page.
I mean it not, I seek you a better husband.
Quic.
That is my master, Master Doctor.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth.
Mrs. Page.
Come, trouble not yourself, good Master Fenton.
I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you;
And as I find her, so am I affected.
'Till then farewel, sir; she must needs go in,
Her father will be angry.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Anne.
Fent.
Farewel, gentle mistress; farewel Nan.
Quic.
This is my doing, now. Nay, said I, will you
Cast away your child on a fool and a physician?
Look on Master Fenton: this is my doing.
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee once to night,
Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.
[Exit.
Quic.
Now heaven send thee good fortune! A kind
heart he hath; a woman would run through fire and
water, for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my
master had Mistress Anne, or I would Mr. Slender had
her; or, in sooth, I would Mr. Fenton had her. I will
do what I can for them all three, for so I have promised;
and I'll be as good as my word, but speciously
for Mr. Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir
John Falstaff, from my two mistresses; what a beast am
I, to slack it!
SCENE V.
The Garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph!
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack, put a toast in't. [Ex.
Bard.] Have I liv'd to be carry'd in a basket, like a barrow
of butcher's offal, and to be thrown into the Thames? Well,
-- 51 --
if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains
ta'en out and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a
new year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river,
with as little remorse as they would have drown'd a
bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' th' litter; and you may
know, by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity in
sinking: if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should
down. I had been drown'd, but the shore was shelvy
and shallow; a death that I abhor; for the water swells
a man: and what a thing would I have been when I
had been swelled! I should have been a mountain
of mummy* note.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Here's Mrs. Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames
water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallow'd snowballs,
for pills. Call her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Quic.
By your leave: I cry you mercy.
Give your worship good-morrow,
Fal.
Bardolph!
Go brew me a pottle of sack, finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
Fal.
Simple of itself: I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage. How now?
Quic.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship, from
Mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough; I was
thrown into the ford; I have my belly-full of ford.
Quic.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her
fault: She does so take on with her men; they mistook
their erection.
Ful.
So did I mine, to build on a foolish woman's
promise.
-- 52 --
Quic.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would
yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this
morning a birding; she desires you once more to come
to her, between eight and nine. I must carry her word,
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
* noteFal.
Well, I will visit her; tell her so, and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and
then judge of my merit.
Quic.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quic.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone, I will not miss her.
Quic.
Peace be with you, sir.
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent
me word to stay within: I like his money well. Oh,
here he comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
Now, Master Brook, you come to know what
hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife.
Ford.
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lye to you;
I was at her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford.
And you sped, sir.
Fal.
Very ill-favour'dly, Master Brook.
Ford.
How, sir, did she change her determination?
Fal.
No, Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto, her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual larum of
jealousy, comes in the instant of our encounter, after we
had embraced, kissed, protested, and as it were spoke
the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble
of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by
his distemper, and forsooth, to search his house for his
wife's love.
-- 53 --
Ford.
What, while you were there!
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not find
you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's
approach, and, by her invention, and Ford's wife's direction,
they convey'd me into a buck-basket.
Ford.
A buck-basket?
Fal.
Yea, a buck-basket; rammed me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins,
that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound
of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
suffer'd to bring this woman to evil, for your good. Being
thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves,
his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me,
in the name of foul cloaths, to Datchet-lane. They took
me on their shoulders, met the jealous knave their master,
at the door, who ask'd them once or twice what they had
in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave
would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should
be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he, for a
search, and away went I, for foul cloaths; but mark the
sequel, Master Brook, I suffer'd the pangs of three egregious
deaths: First, an intolerable fright, to be detected
by a jealous rotten bell-weather; next, to be compassed
like a good* note bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt
to point, heel to head; and then to be stopt, like a strong
distillation, with stinking cloaths, that fretted in their
own grease: think of that, a man of my kidney; think
of that, that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of
continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle to
'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when
I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish,
to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd, glowing hot,
-- 54 --
in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that; hissing
hot; think of that, Master Brook* note.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my
sake you have suffer'd all this. My suit is then desperate;
you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna, as I
have been into the Thames, ere I will leave her thus.
Her husband is this morning gone a birding; I have received
from her another embassy of meeting? 'Twixt
eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Ford.
'Tis past eight, already, sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned
with your enjoying her; adieu, you shall have her, Master
Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream?
Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford;
there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford; this
'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets!
Well, I will proclaim myself what I am; I
will now take the letcher; he is at my house; he cannot
'scape me, 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep
into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepper-box. But,
lest the Devil that guides him should aid him, I will
search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot
avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make
me tame; if I have horns to make one mad, let the
proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad.
[Exit.† note
-- 55 --
ACT IV.
SCENE I.
Ford's House.
* noteEnter Falstaff and Mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance; I see you are obsequious in
your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
only, Mrs. Ford, in the simple office of love, but in the
accoustrement, compliment, and ceremony of it. But
are you sure of your husband, now?
Mrs. Ford.
He's a birding, sweet Sir John.
Mrs. Page. [within]
What, hoa, gossip Ford! what,
hoa!
Mrs. Ford.
Step into the chamber, Sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.
Enter Mistress Page.
Mrs. Page.
How now, sweet heart, who's at home, besides
yourself?
Mrs. Ford.
Why none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page.
Indeed?
Mrs. Ford.
No, certainly—Speak louder.
Mrs. Page.
Truly I am glad you have nobody here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why?
Mrs. Page.
Why, woman, your husband is in his old
lunes, again; he so takes on, yonder, with my husband,
so rails against all married mankind; I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page.
Of none but him, and swears he was carried
out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket;
protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
make another experiment of his suspicion; but I am
-- 56 --
glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own
foolery.
Mrs. Ford.
How near is he, Mrs. Page?
Mrs. Page.
Hard by, at street's end, he will be here
anon.
Mrs. Ford.
I am undone: the knight is here.
Mrs. Page.
Why then thou art utterly shamed, and
he's but a dead man. What a woman are you! away
with him, away with him: better shame than murder.
Mrs. Ford.
Which way should he go? How should I
bestow him, shall I put him into the basket, again?
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
No, I'll come no more i'th' basket:
May I not go out, ere he come?
Mrs. Page.
Alas, alas, three of Master Ford's brothers
watch the door, with pistols, that none should issue
out; otherwise you might slip away, ere he came: but
what make you here?
Fal.
I'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford.
There they always used to discharge their
birding pieces; creep into the kill-hole.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mrs. Ford.
He will seek there, on my word; neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his note; there is no hiding you in the
house.
Fal.
Ill go out, then.
Mrs. Ford.
If you go out in your own semblance, you
die, Sir John, unless you go out disguised. How might
we disguise him?
Mrs. Page.
Alas the day, I know not: there is no
woman's gown big enough for him, otherwise he might
put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
Fal.
Good heart, devise something; any extremity,
rather than mischief.
Mrs. Ford.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford,
has a gown above.
-- 57 --
Mrs. Page.
On my word, it will serve him; she's as
big as he is; and there's her thrumb hat, and her muffler
too. Run up, Sir John.
Mrs. Ford.
Go, go, sweet Sir John; Mrs. Page and I
will look some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page.
Quick, quick, we'll come dress you
straight; put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
I would my husband would meet him in
this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford;
he swears she's a witch, forbade her my house, and hath
threatened to beat her. But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page.
Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, however he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with
it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, but he'll be here, presently; let's go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll first direct my men what they shall do
with the basket; go up, I'll bring linen for him, straight.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, John, Robert. Go, sirs, take the
basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at
door; if he bid you set it down, obey him; quickly,
dispatch.
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
Servants take up the basket.
Enter Ford, Shallow, Page, Caius, and Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
villains; somebody, call my wife: youth in a basket!
Oh you pandarly rascals, there's a knot, a gang, a pack,
a conspiracy against me! now shall the devil be shamed.
What, wife! I say; come, come forth, behold what honest
cloaths you send forth to bleaching.
Page.
Why this is extravagance, Master Ford; you
are not to go loose, any longer; you must be pinioned.
Eva.
Why this is lunatics; this is mad as a mad
dog.
-- 58 --
Shal.
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
Ford.
So say I too, sir. [Ent. Mrs. Ford.] Come hither,
Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the
modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous
fool to her husband: I suspect without cause, mistress,
do I?
Mrs. Ford.
Heav'n be my witness, you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face, hold it out: come forth,
sirrah.
[Pulls the cloaths out of the basket.
Mrs. Ford.
Are you not ashamed? Let the cloaths
alone.
Ford.
I shall find you, anon.
Eva.
'Tis unreasonable; will you take up your
wife's* note cloaths? Come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, man, why?
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house, yesterday, in this basket; why
may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he
is; my intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable,
pluck me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford;
this wrongs you.
Eva.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he is not here I seek for.
Page.
No, nor no where else, but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house, this one time; if I
find not what I seek, shew no colour for my extremity;
let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me,
“as jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for
his wife's love.” Satisfy me, once more, once more
search with me.
-- 59 --
Mrs. Ford.
What hoa, Mistress Page! come you and
the old woman down; my husband will come into the
chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! what old woman's that?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! have
I not forbid her my house? she comes of errands, does
she? Come down, you witch, you hag you, come down,
I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, good sweet husband; good gentlemen,
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter Falstaff, in womens cloaths* note.
Mrs. Page.
Come, mother Prat, come, give me your
hand.
Ford.
I'll Prat her, out of my door, you witch, [beats
him]—you hag, you baggage, you polecat, out, out,
out; I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Page.
Are you not ashamed?
I think you have kill'd the poor woman.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, he will do it; 'tis a goodly credit
for you.
Ford.
Hang her, witch.
Eva.
By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch, indeed:
I like not when a 'oman has a great peard: I spy
a great peard under her muffler.
Ford.
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you
follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page.
Let's obey his humour, a little further:
Come, gentlemen.
[Exeunt.
Mrs. Page.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page.
I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung
o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
-- 60 --
Mrs. Ford.
What think you? May we, with the warrant
of woman-hood, and the witness of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page.
The spirit of wantonness is sure scared
out of him.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how we have
served him?
Mrs. Page.
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband's brain. If they can
find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall
be any farther afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publicly
shamed; and methink there would be no period to the
jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
Mrs. Page.
Come, to the forge with it, then shape it.
I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
The Garter Inn.
Enter Host and Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir, the German desires to have three of your
horses; the duke himself will be to-morrow at court,
and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What duke should that be comes so secretly? I
hear not of him in the court: let me speak with the
gentlemen; they speak English.
Bar.
Sir, I'll call them to you.
Host.
They shall have my horses; but I'll make them
pay; I'll sawce them. They have had my house a week
at command, I have turned away my other guests; they
must compt off; I'll sawce them; come.
[Exeunt.* note
SCENE III.
Ford's House.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Evans.
Eva.
'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman, as
ever I did look upon.
-- 61 --
Page.
And did he send you both these letters, at an
instant?
Mrs. Page.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife; henceforth, do what thou wilt:
I rather will suspect the sun with cold,
Than thee with wantonness; now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm of faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as extreme in submission as in offence,
But let our plot go forward: let our wives,
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page.
How? to send him word they'll meet him in
the park, at midnight? Fy, fy, he'll never come.
Eva.
You say he hath been thrown into the river;
and hath been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman; methinks,
there should be terrors in him, that he should not
come; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have no
desires.
Page.
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford.
Devise but how you'll use him when he
comes; and let us two devise to bring him thither.
Mrs. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time, at still of midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with ragged horns;
You've heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed Eld* note
Receiv'd, and did deliver to our age,
This tale of Herne the hunter, for a truth.
Page.
Why yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak;
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, this is our device,
That Falstaff at this oak shall meet with us.
-- 62 --
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come.
And in this shape when you have brought him hither,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mrs. Page.
That likewise we have thought upon* note.
Eva.
Let us about it;
It is admirable pleasures, and ferry honest knaveries.
[Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans.
SCENE IV.
The Garter Inn.
Enter Host and Simple.
Host.
What wouldst thou have, boor? what, thick-skin?
speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simp.
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff,
from Mr. Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with
the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new: go, knock
and call! he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto
thee: knock, I say.
Simp.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber; I'll be so bold as to stay, sir, till she
come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman? the knight may be robb'd:
I'll call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from
thy lungs military: art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
How now, mine Host?
Host.
Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
down of thy fat woman: let her descend, bully, let her
descend; my chambers are honourable: fy, privacy! fy.
Fal.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even
now with me; but she's gone.
Simp.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford?
-- 63 --
Fal.
Ay, marry was it, mussel-shell* note, what would you
with her?
Simp.
My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her,
seeing her go thro' the street, to know, sir, whether one
Nym, sir, that beguil'd him of a chain, had the chain
or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simp.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man that beguil'd
Master Slender of his chain, cozen'd him of it.
Simp.
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her too;
from him.
Fal.
What are they? let us know.
Host.
Ay, come; quick.
Simp.
I may not conceal them, sir.
Host.
Conceal 'em, or thou dy'st.
Simp.
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master's fortune to
have her or no.
Fal.
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simp.
What, sir?
Fal.
To have her, or no: go, say the woman told me
so.
Simp.
May I be so bold to say so, sir?
Fal.
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
Simp.
I thank your worship: I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simp.
Host.
Thou art clerkly; thou art clerkly, Sir John:
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit, than ever I learn'd before, in my
life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
my learning. [Exit Host.] If it should come to the
ear of the court, how I have been transformed, and how
my transformation hath been washed and cudgeled, they
would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor
fishermens boots with it. I warrant, they would whip
-- 64 --
me with their fine wits, till I were as crest-fal'n as a
dry'd pear. I never prosper'd since I foreswore myself
at Primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to
say my prayers, I would repent. Now, whence come
you?
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quic.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the other,
and so they shall be both bestowed; I have suffered more
for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of
man's disposition is able to bear.
Quic.
And have not they suffered? yes, I warrant,
speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot
about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue! I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rain-bow; and I
was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford;
but that my admirable dexterity of wit, counterfeiting
the action of a mad woman, delivered me, the knave
constable had set me i'th' stocks, i'th' common stocks, for
a witch.
Quic.
Sir, let me speak with you, in your chamber;
you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado is here to bring you together!
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.* note
-- 65 --
ACT V.
SCENE I.
The Garter Inn.
Enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly.
Fal.
Pr'ythee no more pratling; go, I'll hold. This
is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd
numbers; away, go; they say there is divinity in odd
numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death; away.
Quic.
I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can,
to get you a pair of horns.
[Exit Mistress Quickly.
Fal.
Away, I say, time wears; hold up your head,
and mince.
Enter Ford.
How now, Master Brook? Master Brook, the matter
will be known, to-night, or never. Be you in the park,
about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see
wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her, yesterday, sir, as you told
me you had appointed?
Fal.
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a
poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like
a poor old woman. The same knave, Ford, her husband,
hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
Master Brook, that ever govern'd phrenzy. I will
tell you, he beat me grievously, in the shape of a
woman; for in the shape of a man, Master Brook, I fear
not Goliah with a weaver's beam, Master Brook, since I
pluckt geese, play'd truant, and whipt top, I knew not
what 'twas to be beaten, 'till lately. Follow me, I'll tell
you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom to-night:
I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into
your hands. Follow; strange things in hand, Master
Brook; follow.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Windsor Park.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Page.
Come, come, we'll couch i'th castle-ditch, 'till
-- 66 --
we see the light of our Fairies. Remember, Son Slender,
my daughter.
Slen.
Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we
have a nay-word how to know one another. I come to
her in white, and cry mum, she cries budget, and by
that we know one another.
Shal.
That's good too; but what needs either your
mum, or her budget? The white will decypher her, well
enough. It hath struck ten a clock.
Page.
The night is dark, light and spirits will become
it well; heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil,
but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.
Let's away; follow me.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Caius.
Mrs. Page.
Mr. Doctor, my daughter is in green:
when you see your time, take her by the hand, away
with her to the Deanry, and dispatch it quickly; go
before into the park; we two must go together.
Caius.
I know vat I have to do; adieu.
Mrs. Page.
Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius.] My
husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff,
as he will chafe at the Doctor's marrying my daughter:
but 'tis no matter; better a little chiding, than a great
deal of heart-break.
Mrs. Ford.
Where is Nan, now, and her troop of
Fairies, and the Welsh devil, Evans?
Mrs. Page.
They are all couch'd in a pit, hard by
Herne's oak, with obscur'd lights; which at the very
instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once
display to the knight.
Mrs. Ford.
That cannot chuse but amaze him.
Mrs. Page.
If he be not amazed, he will be mock'd.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll betray him finely.
Mrs. Page.
Against such lewdsters,
Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mrs. Ford.
The hour draws on; to the oak, to the
oak.
[Exeunt.
-- 67 --
SCENE IV.
Enter Evans and Fairies.
Eva.
Trib, trib, fairies; come, and remember your
parts: be bold, I pray you, follow me into the pit, and
when I give the watch-'ords, do as I bid you: come,
come; trib, trib.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve, the minute
draws on; I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest,
I think, i'th' forest. Who comes here? my doe?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John? Art thou there, my deer?
My male-deer?
Fal.
My doe! Let the sky rain potatoes, let it
thunder to the tune of Green Sleves, hail kissing-comfits,
and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest of
provocation, I will shelter me here.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweet
heart.
Fal.
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch; I
will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow
of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.
Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the
hunter? why, now is Cupid a child of conscience, he
makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome.
[Noise within.
Mrs. Page.
Alas! what noise?
Mrs. Ford.
Heav'n forgive our sins!
Fal.
What shall this be?
Mrs. Ford.
Mrs. Page, away, away.
[The women run out.
Enter Evans and Fairies, they pinch Falstaff, and exeunt.
-- 68 --
Enter Page, Ford, &c. They lay hold of him* note.
Page.
Nay, do not fly, I think we have watch'd you now:
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
Mrs. Page.
I pray you, come; hold up the jest no higher.
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these husbands? Do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town?
Ford.
Now, sir, who's a cuckold, now?
Master Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave,
Here are his horns, Master Brook.
And, Master Brook, he hath enjoy'd nothing of Ford's,
but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of
money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses
are arrested for it, Master Brook.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John, we have had ill luck we could
never meet. I will never take you for my love again,
but I will always count you my deer.
Fal.
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford.
Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.
Fal.
And these are not Fairies:
I was three or four times in the thought they were not
Fairies, and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden
surprize of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery
into a received belief, that they were Fairies. See now,
how wit may be made a-Jack-a-lent, when 'tis upon
ill employment.
Eva.
Sir John Falstaff, serve heav'n, and leave your
desires, and Fairies will not pinse you.
Ford.
Well said, Fairy Hugh.
Eva.
And leave your jealousies too, I pray you.
Ford.
I will never mistrust my wife again, 'till thou
art able to woo her in good English.
-- 69 --
Fal.
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dry'd it,
that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching as
this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat, too? 'Tis time
I were choak'd with a piece of toasted cheese.
Eva.
Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is
all putter.
Fal.
Seese and putter? Have I liv'd to stand in the
taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
Mrs. Page.
Why, Sir John, do you think, though we
would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head
and shoulders, that ever the devil could have made you
our delight?
Mrs. Ford.
What a hodge pudding? A bag of flax?
Mrs. Page.
A puft man?
Page.
Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford.
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Page.
Old, and as poor as Job?
Ford.
And as wicked as his wife?
Eva.
And given to fornications, and to taverns, and
sack, and wine, metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings,
starings, pribbles and prabbles?
Fal.
Well, I am your theme; you have the start of
me, I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh
flannel: ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me, use me as
you will.
Ford.
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one
Mr. Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom
you should have been a pandar: over and above that
you have suffer'd, I think to repay the money will be
a biting affliction.
Page.
Yet be cheerful, Knight, thou shalt eat a posset,
to-night, at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at
my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her, Mr. Slender
hath marry'd her daughter.
Mrs. Page.
Doctors doubt that;
If Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor
Caius's wife.
Enter Slender.
Slen.
What hoe! hoe! Father Page!
-- 70 --
Page.
Son? How now? How now, son?
Have you dispatch'd!
Slen.
Dispatch'd? I'll make the best in Gloucestershire
know on't; would I were hang'd-la, else.
Page.
Of what, son?
Slen.
I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistress Anne
Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been
i'th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have
swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page,
would I might never stir, and 'tis a post-master's boy.
Page.
Upon my life then you took the wrong.
Slen.
What need you tell me that? I think so, when
I took a boy for a girl; if I had been marry'd to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had
him.
Page.
Why, this is your own folly.
Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter by
her garments?
Slen.
I went to her in white, and cry'd mum, and she
cry'd budget, as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it
was not Anne, but a post-master's boy.
Mrs. Page.
Good George, be not angry; I knew of
your purpose, turn'd my daughter into green, and indeed
she is now with the Doctor at the Deanry, and
there married.
Enter Caius* note.
Caius.
Vere is Mistress Page? by gar, I am cozen'd; I
ha' marry'd one garsoon, a boy; one peasant, by gar.
A boy; it is not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozen'd.
Mrs. Page.
Why, did you take her in green?
Caius.
Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy; by gar, I'll raise
all Windsor.
Ford.
This is strange! who hath got the right Anne?
Page.
My heart misgives me; here comes Mr. Fenton.
Enter Fenton and Anne Page.
How now, Mr. Fenton?
-- 71 --
Anne.
Pardon, good father; good my mother, pardon.
Page.
Now, mistress,
How chance you went not with Mr. Slender?
Mrs. Page.
Why went you not with Mr. Doctor, maid?
Fent.
You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
You would have marry'd her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love:
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us* note
Ford.
Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy.
In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Fal.
I am glad, tho' you have ta'en a special stand to
strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
Page.
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heav'n give thee joy!
What cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd.
Fal.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chac'd.
Mrs. Page.
Well, I will muse no further, Mr. Fenton.
Heav'n give you many, many merry days!
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er, by a country fire,
Sir John and all.
Ford.
Let it be so, Sir John:
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
For he to-night shall lie with Mistress Ford.
[Exeunt omnes.† note
