SCENE II.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then the world's mine oyster7note,
Which I with sword will open.—
I will retort the sum in equipage8note
.
-- 74 --
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir,
you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have
grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for
you and your coach-fellow, Nym9note
; or else you had
looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons.
I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my
friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows1note:
and when mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan2note
[unresolved image link]
, I took't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not.
-- 75 --
Pist.
Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
-- 76 --
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: Think'st thou,
I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no
more about me, I am no gibbet for you:—go.—A
short knife and a throng3note
you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why,
thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can
do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I,
I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on
the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity,
am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and
yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags5note, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases6note
, and
-- 78 --
your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you?
Pist.
I do relent; What would'st thou more of
man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quick.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quick.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quick.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the
first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
-- 79 --
Quick.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchfafe
thee the hearing.
Quick.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell
with master doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Quick.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, nobody hears;—mine own
people, mine own people.
Quick.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and
make them his servants!
Fal.
Well: Mistress Ford;—what of her?
Quick.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord,
lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive
you, and all of us, I pray!
Fal.
Mistress Ford;—come, mistress Ford,—
Quick.
Marry, this is the short and the long of
it; you have brought her into such a canaries7note
, as
'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor8note, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk,) and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
-- 80 --
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her.—I had myself
twenty angels given me this morning: but I defy
all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the
way of honesty:—and, I warrant you, they could
never get her so much as sip on a cup with the
proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls,
nay, which is more, pensioners9note
; but, I warrant
you, all is one with her.
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my
good she Mercury.
Quick.
Marry, she hath received your letter; for
the which she thanks you a thousand times: and
she gives you to notify, that her husband will be
absence from his house between ten and eleven.
-- 81 --
Fal.
Ten and eleven?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of1note;—
master Ford, her husband, will be from home.
Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him;
he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold2note
life with him, good heart.
Fal.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me
to her; I will not fail her.
Quick.
Why, you say well: But I have another
messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her
hearty commendations to you too;—and let me tell
you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest
wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss you
morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your
worship, that her husband is seldom from home;
-- 82 --
but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never
knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think
you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction
of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quick.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's
wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how
they love me?
Quick.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not
so little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed!
But mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves3note
; her husband has a marvellous
infection to the little page: and, truly,
master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she
will; and, truly, she deserves it: for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quick.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he
may come and go between you both; and, in any
-- 83 --
case, have a nay-word4note, that you may know one
another's mind, and the boy never need to understand
any thing; for 'tis not good that children
should know any wickedness; old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well: commend me to them
both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—
Boy, go along with this woman.—This news distracts
me!
:—
Clap on more sails; pursue, up with your fights6note
;
-- 84 --
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit Pistol.
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.
-- 85 --
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's
draught of sack7note
.
Fal.
Brook, is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such
Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah! ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page,
have I encompassed you? go to; via8note
!
-- 86 --
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; What's your will? Give
us leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much; my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to
charge you9note; for I must let you understand, I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are: the which hath something embolden'd me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here
troubles me: if you will help to bear it, sir
John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be
your porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad
to be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be
brief with you;—and you have been a man long
-- 87 --
known to me, though I had never so good means,
as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I
shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good
sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own; that I may pass with a reproof
the easier, sith1note you yourself know, how easy it is
to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long loved her, and, I protest to
you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a
doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet
her: fee'd every slight occasion, that could but
niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely
to many, to know what she would have given:
briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued
me; which hath been, on the wing of all occasions.
But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind,
or in my means, meed2note
, I am sure, I have received
none; unless experience be a jewel: that I have
purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught
me to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues3note
.
-- 88 --
Fal.
Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built upon another
man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by
mistaking the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this
to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told
you all. Some say, that, though she appear honest
to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth
so far, that there is shrewd construction made of
her. Now, sir John, here is the heart of my purpose:
You are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance4note, authentick
in your place and person, generally allowed5note
-- 89 --
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There is
money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all
I have; only give me so much of your time in
exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege6note
to the
honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing,
win her to consent to you; if any man may, you
may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection, that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks, you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so
securely on the excellency of her honour, that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
bright to be looked against7note
. Now, could I come
to her with any detection in my hand, my desires
had instance and argument8note to commend themselves;
I could drive her then from the ward of
her purity9note
, her reputation, her marriage vow, and
-- 90 --
a thousand other her defences, which now are too
strongly embattled against me: What say you to't,
sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with
your money; next, give me your hand; and last,
as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy
Ford's wife.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her, (I may tell
you,) by her own appointment; even as you came
in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from
me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and
eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave,
her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at
night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you
know Ford, sir?
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you
might avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue!
I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him
with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er
-- 91 --
the cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know
I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou
shalt lie with his wife.—Come to me soon at night:
—Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile1note
;
thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave
and cuckold;—come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!
—My heart is ready to crack with impatience.—
Who says, this is improvident jealousy? My wife
hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is
made. Would any man have thought this?—See
the hell of having a false woman! my bed shall be
abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn
at; and I shall not only receive this villainous
wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
Terms! names!—Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer,
well; Barbason2note, well; yet they are devils'
additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold!
wittol-cuckold3note! the devil himself hath not such a
-- 92 --
name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust
his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust
a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the
Welchman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitæ bottle4note
, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises: and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be
praised for my jealousy!—Eleven o'clock5note
the hour;
—I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged
on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon, than a minute too
late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
