ACT II.SCENE I.Before Page's House.
Enter Mistress Page, with a Letter.
Mrs. Page.
What! have I 'scaped love-letters
in the holy-day time of my beauty, and am I now
a subject for them? Let me see:
[Reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
love use reason for his precisian, he admits him not
for his counsellor7note
: You are not young, no more am
-- 55 --
I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so
am I; Ha! ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; Would you desire better sympathy?
Let it suffice thee, mistress Page, (at the
least, if the love of a soldier can suffice,) that I love
thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like
phrase; but I say, love me. By me,
,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this?—O wicked, wicked,
world!—one that is well nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behaviour9note hath this Flemish drunkard1note
-- 56 --
picked (with the devil's name) out of my conversation,
that he dares in this manner assay me? Why,
he hath not been thrice in my company!—What
should I say to him?—I was then frugal of my
mirth2note:—heaven forgive me!—Why, I'll exhibit a
bill in the parliament for the putting down of fat
men3note
. How shall I be revenged on him? for
-- 57 --
revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of
puddings.
Enter Mistress Ford.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going
to your house.
Mrs. Page.
And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have
to show to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
'Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet, I say, I could
show you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give
me some counsel!
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman, if it were not for one
trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
-- 58 --
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman; take the
honour: What is it?—dispense with trifles;—
what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
If I would but go to hell for an
eternal moment, or so, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page.
What?—thou liest!—Sir Alice Ford!
—These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst
not alter the article of thy gentry4note
:—here, read,
read;—perceive how I might be knighted.—I shall
think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an
eye to make difference of men's liking6note
: And yet
-- 60 --
he would not swear; praised women's modesty: and
gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all
uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words:
but they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the hundreth psalm to the tune of Greensleeves7note
. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale,
with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at
Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
think, the best way were to entertain him with
hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him
-- 61 --
in his own grease8note
.—Did you ever hear the
like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter; but that the name
of Page and Ford differs!—To thy great comfort in
this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother
of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest,
mine never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand
of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names, (sure more,) and these are of the
second edition: He will print them out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press9note, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under mount Pelion1note. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste man.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same; the
very hand, the very words: What doth he think of
us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not: It makes me
almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty.
I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some
strain in me2note
, that I know not myself, he would
never have boarded me in this fury.
-- 62 --
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding call you it? I'll be sure
to keep him above deck.
Mrs. Page.
So will I; if he come under my
hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged
on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a
show of comfort in his suit; and lead him on with
a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to
mine Host of the Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him, that may not sully the chariness
of our honesty3note. O, that my husband saw this letter4note!
it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look, where he comes; and
my good man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I
am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this
greasy knight: Come hither.
: Prevent, or go thou,
Like sir Actæon he, with Ring-wood at thy heels:—
O, odious is the name!
Ford.
What name, sir?
Pist.
The horn, I say: Farewel.
Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing9note.—
Away, sir corporal Nym.—
And this is true; [to Page.] I like not the
humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some
humours: I should have borne the humoured letter
to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon
my necessity. He loves your wife2note; there's the
short and the long. My name is corporal Nym;
I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true:—my name is
-- 65 --
Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.—Adieu! I love
not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's
the humour of it. Adieu.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy.—
Get you home, go.
Mrs. Ford.
'Faith, thou hast some crotchets in
thy head now.—Will you go, mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
Have with you.—You'll come to
dinner, George?—Look, who comes yonder: she
shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
[Aside to Mrs. Ford.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Mrs. Ford.
Trust me, I thought on her: she'll
fit it.
Mrs. Page.
You are come to see my daughter
Anne?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does
good mistress Anne?
Mrs. Page.
Go in with us, and see; we have an
hour's talk with you.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quickly.
Page.
How now, master Ford?
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me; did
you not?
Page.
Yes; And you heard what the other told
me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves; I do not think the
knight would offer it: but these that accuse him
in his intent towards our wives, are a yoke of his
-- 68 --
discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of
service6note.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that.—Does
he lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend
this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose
to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp
words, let it lie on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would
be loath to turn them together: A man may be too
confident: I would have nothing lie on my head7note:
I cannot be thus satisfied.
Page.
Look, where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money
in his purse, when he looks so merrily.—How now,
mine host?
Enter Host, and Shallow.
Host.
How now, bully-rook? thou'rt a gentleman
cavalero-justice8note
, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow.—Good even,
and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will
you go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavalero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
-- 69 --
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between
sir Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French
doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with
you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully-rook?
[They go aside.
Shal.
Will you [to Page] go with us to behold
it? My merry host hath had the measuring of
their weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed
them contrary places: for, believe me, I hear, the
parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our
sport shall be.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle
of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell
him, my name is Brook9note; only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress
and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be
Brook: It is a merry knight.—Will you go, Anheires1note
?
-- 70 --
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good
skill in his rapier2note
.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In
these times you stand on distance, your passes,
stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart,
master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the
time, with my long sword3note
Have with you:—I had rather hear them
scold than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page.
-- 72 --
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands
so firmly on his wife's frailty5note
, yet I cannot put off
my opinion so easily: She was in his company at
Page's house; and, what they made there6note
, I know
not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have
a disguise to sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I
-- 73 --
lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour
well bestowed.
[Exit.SCENE II.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then the world's mine oyster7note,
Which I with sword will open.—
I will retort the sum in equipage8note
.
-- 74 --
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir,
you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have
grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for
you and your coach-fellow, Nym9note
; or else you had
looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons.
I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my
friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows1note:
and when mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan2note
[unresolved image link]
, I took't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not.
-- 75 --
Pist.
Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
-- 76 --
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: Think'st thou,
I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no
more about me, I am no gibbet for you:—go.—A
short knife and a throng3note
you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why,
thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can
do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I,
I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on
the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity,
am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and
yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags5note, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases6note
, and
-- 78 --
your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you?
Pist.
I do relent; What would'st thou more of
man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quick.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quick.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quick.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the
first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
-- 79 --
Quick.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchfafe
thee the hearing.
Quick.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell
with master doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Quick.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, nobody hears;—mine own
people, mine own people.
Quick.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and
make them his servants!
Fal.
Well: Mistress Ford;—what of her?
Quick.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord,
lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive
you, and all of us, I pray!
Fal.
Mistress Ford;—come, mistress Ford,—
Quick.
Marry, this is the short and the long of
it; you have brought her into such a canaries7note
, as
'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor8note, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk,) and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
-- 80 --
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her.—I had myself
twenty angels given me this morning: but I defy
all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the
way of honesty:—and, I warrant you, they could
never get her so much as sip on a cup with the
proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls,
nay, which is more, pensioners9note
; but, I warrant
you, all is one with her.
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my
good she Mercury.
Quick.
Marry, she hath received your letter; for
the which she thanks you a thousand times: and
she gives you to notify, that her husband will be
absence from his house between ten and eleven.
-- 81 --
Fal.
Ten and eleven?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of1note;—
master Ford, her husband, will be from home.
Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him;
he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold2note
life with him, good heart.
Fal.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me
to her; I will not fail her.
Quick.
Why, you say well: But I have another
messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her
hearty commendations to you too;—and let me tell
you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest
wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss you
morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your
worship, that her husband is seldom from home;
-- 82 --
but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never
knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think
you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction
of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quick.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's
wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how
they love me?
Quick.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not
so little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed!
But mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves3note
; her husband has a marvellous
infection to the little page: and, truly,
master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she
will; and, truly, she deserves it: for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quick.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he
may come and go between you both; and, in any
-- 83 --
case, have a nay-word4note, that you may know one
another's mind, and the boy never need to understand
any thing; for 'tis not good that children
should know any wickedness; old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well: commend me to them
both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—
Boy, go along with this woman.—This news distracts
me!
:—
Clap on more sails; pursue, up with your fights6note
;
-- 84 --
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit Pistol.
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.
-- 85 --
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's
draught of sack7note
.
Fal.
Brook, is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such
Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah! ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page,
have I encompassed you? go to; via8note
!
-- 86 --
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; What's your will? Give
us leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much; my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to
charge you9note; for I must let you understand, I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are: the which hath something embolden'd me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here
troubles me: if you will help to bear it, sir
John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be
your porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad
to be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be
brief with you;—and you have been a man long
-- 87 --
known to me, though I had never so good means,
as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I
shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good
sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own; that I may pass with a reproof
the easier, sith1note you yourself know, how easy it is
to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long loved her, and, I protest to
you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a
doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet
her: fee'd every slight occasion, that could but
niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely
to many, to know what she would have given:
briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued
me; which hath been, on the wing of all occasions.
But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind,
or in my means, meed2note
, I am sure, I have received
none; unless experience be a jewel: that I have
purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught
me to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues3note
.
-- 88 --
Fal.
Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built upon another
man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by
mistaking the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this
to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told
you all. Some say, that, though she appear honest
to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth
so far, that there is shrewd construction made of
her. Now, sir John, here is the heart of my purpose:
You are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance4note, authentick
in your place and person, generally allowed5note
-- 89 --
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There is
money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all
I have; only give me so much of your time in
exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege6note
to the
honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing,
win her to consent to you; if any man may, you
may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection, that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks, you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so
securely on the excellency of her honour, that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
bright to be looked against7note
. Now, could I come
to her with any detection in my hand, my desires
had instance and argument8note to commend themselves;
I could drive her then from the ward of
her purity9note
, her reputation, her marriage vow, and
-- 90 --
a thousand other her defences, which now are too
strongly embattled against me: What say you to't,
sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with
your money; next, give me your hand; and last,
as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy
Ford's wife.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her, (I may tell
you,) by her own appointment; even as you came
in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from
me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and
eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave,
her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at
night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you
know Ford, sir?
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you
might avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue!
I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him
with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er
-- 91 --
the cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know
I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou
shalt lie with his wife.—Come to me soon at night:
—Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile1note
;
thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave
and cuckold;—come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!
—My heart is ready to crack with impatience.—
Who says, this is improvident jealousy? My wife
hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is
made. Would any man have thought this?—See
the hell of having a false woman! my bed shall be
abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn
at; and I shall not only receive this villainous
wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
Terms! names!—Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer,
well; Barbason2note, well; yet they are devils'
additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold!
wittol-cuckold3note! the devil himself hath not such a
-- 92 --
name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust
his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust
a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the
Welchman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitæ bottle4note
, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises: and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be
praised for my jealousy!—Eleven o'clock5note
the hour;
—I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged
on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon, than a minute too
late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.
-- 93 --
SCENE III.Windsor Park.Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby!
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that sir Hugh promised
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no
come; he has pray his Pible vell, dat he is no
come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if
he be come.
Rug.
He is wise, sir; he knew, your worship
would kill him, if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack: I vill tell you
how I vill kill him.
thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there;
to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock7note, thy reverse,
thy distance, thy montánt. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
is he dead, my Francisco8note? ha, bully!
What says my Æsculapius? my Galen? my heart
of elder9note? ha! is he dead, bully Stale1note? is
he dead?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of
the vorld; he is not show his face.
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay
six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no
come.
Shal.
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is
a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you
should fight, you go against the hair3note
of your professions;
is it not true, master Page?
-- 96 --
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a
great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Shal.
Bodykins, master Page, though I now be
old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my
finger itches to make one: though we are justices,
and doctors, and churchmen, master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of
women, master Page.
Page.
'Tis true, master Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, master Page. Master
doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a
wise physician, and sir Hugh hath shown himself a
wise and patient churchman: you must go with
me, master doctor.
