A few of the incidents in this comedy might have been taken
from an old translation of Il Pecorone, by Giovanni Florentino.
I have lately met with the same story in a very contemptible performance,
intitled, The Fortunate, The Deceived, and The Unfortunate
Lovers. Of this book, as I am told, there are several impressions;
but that in which I read it was published in 1632,
quarto. A somewhat similar story occurs in Piacevoli Notti di
Straparola, Nott. 4a. Fav. 4a.
This comedy was first entered at Stationers' Hall, Jan. 18, 1601,
by John Busby.
Steevens.
This play should be read between King Henry IV. and King
Henry V.
Johnson.
A passage in the first sketch of The Merry Wives of Windsor
shews, I think, that it ought rather to be read between The First
and The Second Part of King Henry IV. in the latter of which
young Henry becomes king. In the last act, Falstaff says:
“Herne the hunter, quoth you? am I a ghost?
“'Sblood, the fairies hath made a ghost of me.
“What, hunting at this time of night!
“I'le lay my life the mad prince of Wales
“Is stealing his father's deare.”
And in this play, as it now appears, Mr. Page discountenances
the addresses of Fenton to his daughter, because “he keeps company
with the wild prince, and with Poins.”
The Fishwife's Tale of Brainford in Westward for Smelts,
a book which Shakspeare appears to have read, (having borrowed
from it a part of the fable of Cymbeline,) probably led him to lay
the scene of Falstaff's love adventures at Windsor. It begins
thus: “In Windsor not long agoe dwelt a sumpterman, who had
to wife a very faire but wanton creature, over whom, not without
cause, he was something jealous; yet had he never any proof of
her inconstancy.”
The reader who is curious in such matters may find the story
of The Lovers of Pisa, mentioned by Dr. Farmer in the following
note, at the end of this play.
Malone.
The adventures of Falstaff in this play seem to have been taken
from the story of The Lovers of Pisa, in an old piece, called
Tarleton's Newes out of Purgatorie. Mr. Capell pretended to
-- 4 --
much knowledge of this sort; and I am sorry that it proved to be
only pretension.
Mr. Warton observes, in a note to the last Oxford edition, that
the play was probably not written, as we now have it, before
1607, at the earliest. I agree with my very ingenious friend in
this supposition, but yet the argument here produced for it may
not be conclusive. Slender observes to master Page, that his
greyhound was out-run on Cotsale [Cotswold-Hills in Gloucestershire];
and Mr. Warton thinks, that the games, established there
by Captain Dover in the beginning of King James's reign, are
alluded to. But, perhaps, though the Captain be celebrated in
the Annalia Dubrensia as the founder of them, he might be the
reviver only, or some way contribute to make them more famous;
for in The Second Part of Henry IV. 1600, Justice Shallow
reckons among the Swinge-bucklers, “Will Squeele, a Cotsole
man.”
In the first edition of the imperfect play, Sir Hugh Evans is
called on the title page, the Welch Knight; and yet there are
some persons who still affect to believe, that all our author's plays
were originally published by himself.
Farmer.
Dr. Farmer's opinion is well supported by “An Eclogue on
the noble Assemblies revived on Cotswold Hills, by Mr. Robert
Dover.” See Randolph's Poems, printed at Oxford, 4to. 1638,
p. 114. The hills of Cotswold, in Gloucestershire, are mentioned
in King Richard II. Act II. Sc. III. and by Drayton, in his Polyolbion,
song 14.
Steevens.
Queen Elizabeth was so well pleased with the admirable character
of Falstaff in The Two Parts of Henry IV. that, as Mr.
Rowe informs us, she commanded Shakspeare to continue it for
one play more, and to shew him in love. To this command we
owe The Merry Wives of Windsor; which, Mr. Gildon says,
[Remarks on Shakspeare's Plays, 8vo. 1710,] he was very well
assured our author finished in a fortnight. But this must be
meant only of the first imperfect sketch of this comedy. An old
quarto edition which I have seen, printed in 1602, says, in the
title-page,—“As it hath been divers times acted before her majesty,
and elsewhere.” This, which we have here, was altered
and improved by the author almost in every speech.
Pope. Theobald.
Mr. Gildon has likewise told us, “that our author's house at
Stratford bordered on the Church-yard, and that he wrote the
scene of the Ghost in Hamlet there.” But neither for this, or
the assertion that the play before us was written in a fortnight,
does he quote any authority. The latter circumstance was first
mentioned by Mr. Dennis. “This comedy,” says he, in his
Epistle Dedicatory to The Comical Gallant, (an alteration of the
present play,) 1702, “was written at her [Queen Elizabeth's]
-- 5 --
command, and by her direction, and she was so eager to see it
acted, that she commanded it to be finished in fourteen days;
and was afterwards, as tradition tells us, very well pleased at
the representation.” The information, it is probable, came originally
from Dryden, who from his intimacy with Sir William
Davenant had an opportunity of learning many particulars concerning
our author.
At what period Shakspeare new-modelled The Merry Wives of
Windsor is unknown. I believe it was enlarged in 1603. See some
conjectures on the subject in the Attempt to Ascertain the Order
of his Plays, vol. ii.
Malone.
It is not generally known, that the first edition of The Merry
Wives of Windsor, in its present state, is in the valuable folio,
printed 1623, from whence the quarto of the same play, dated
1630, was evidently copied. The two earlier quartos, 1602 and
1619, only exhibit this comedy as it was originally written, and are
so far curious, as they contain Shakspeare's first conceptions in
forming a drama, which is the most complete specimen of his
comick powers.
T. Warton.
-- 6 --
PERSONS REPRESENTED.
Sir John Falstaff.Fenton.Shallow, a Country Justice.
Slender, Cousin to Shallow.
Mr. Ford, Gentleman dwelling at Windsor.
Mr. Page, Gentleman dwelling at Windsor.
William Page, a Boy, Son to Mr. Page.
Sir Hugh Evans, a Welsh Parson.
Dr. Caius [Doctor Caius], a French Physician.
Host of the Garter Inn.Bardolph, Follower of Falstaff.
Pistol, Follower of Falstaff.
Nym, Follower of Falstaff.
Robin, Page to Falstaff.
Simple, Servant to Slender.
Rugby, Servant to Dr. Caius.
Mrs. Ford [Mistress Ford].
Mrs. Page [Mistress Page].
Mrs. Anne Page [Mistress Anne Page], her Daughter, in love with Fenton.
Mrs. Quickly [Mistress Quickly], Servant to Dr. Caius.
Servants to Page, Ford, &c.[Servant], [Servant 1], [Servant 2]SCENE, Windsor; and the Parts adjacent.
-- 7 --
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR.
ACT I.SCENE I.Windsor. Before Page's House.
Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ay, and ratolorum too; and a gentleman
born, master parson; who writes himself armigero4note;
in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation,
armigero.
All his successors, gone before him, hath
don't; and all his ancestors, that come after him,
may: they may give the dozen white luces in their
coat.
Shal.
It is an old coat.
Eva.
The dozen white louses do become an old
coat well6note; it agrees well, passant: it is a familiar
beast to man, and signifies—love7note
.
-- 10 --
Shal.
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is
an old coat8note
.
-- 11 --
Slen.
I may quarter, coz?
Shal.
You may, by marrying.
-- 12 --
Eva.
It is marring, indeed, if he quarter it.
Shal.
Not a whit.
Eva.
Yes, per-lady; if he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures: but that is all one: If sir John
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence,
to make atonements and compremises
between you.
It is not meet the Council hear a riot;
there is no fear of Got in a riot: the Council, look
you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to
hear a riot; take your vizaments in that1note
.
Shal.
Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
Eva.
It is petter that friends is the sword, and
end it: and there is also another device in my prain,
which, peradventure, prings goot discretions with
it: There is Anne Page, which is daughter to master
George Page2note
, which is pretty virginity.
Slen.
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown
hair, and speaks small like a woman3note
.
-- 14 --
Eva.
It is that fery person for all the orld, as
just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds
of monies, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire,
upon his death's-bed, (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years old: it were a goot motion, if we leave
our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage
between master Abraham, and mistress Anne Page.
Shal.
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound4note
?
-- 15 --
Eva.
Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny.
Shal.
I know the young gentlewoman; she has
good gifts.
Eva.
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is
good gifts.
Shal.
Well, let us see honest master Page: Is
Falstaff there?
Eva.
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar, as
I do despise one that is false; or, as I despise one
that is not true. The knight, sir John, is there;
and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers.
I will peat the door [knocks] for master Page.
What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
Enter Page.
Page.
Who's there?
Eva.
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend,
and justice Shallow, and here young master Slender;
that, peradventures, shall tell you another tale,
if matters grow to your likings.
Page.
I am glad to see your worships well: I
thank you for my venison, master Shallow.
Shal.
Master Page, I am glad to see you; Much
good do it your good heart! I wished your venison
-- 16 --
better; it was ill kill'd:—How doth good mistress
Page?—and I thank you5note always with my heart,
la; with my heart.
Page.
Sir, I thank you.
Shal.
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
Page.
I am glad to see you, good master Slender.
Slen.
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say, he was out-run on Cotsall6note
.
-- 17 --
Page.
It could not be judg'd, sir.
Slen.
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
Shal.
That he will not;—'tis your fault, 'tis your
fault8note
:—'Tis a good dog.
Page.
A cur, sir.
Shal.
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog; Can
there be more said? he is good, and fair. Is sir
John Falstaff here?
Page.
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do
a good office between you.
Eva.
It is spoke as a christians ought to speak.
Shal.
He hath wrong'd me, master Page.
Page.
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shal.
If it be confess'd, it is not redress'd; is
not that so, master Page? He hath wrong'd me;
indeed, he hath;—at a word, he hath;—believe
me;—Robert Shallow, Esquire, saith, he is wrong'd.
Page.
Here comes sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
Fal.
Now, master Shallow; you'll complain of
me to the king?
-- 18 --
Shal.
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed
my deer, and broke open my lodge9note
.
Fal.
But not kiss'd your keeper's daughter?
Shal.
Tut, a pin! this shall be answer'd.
Fal.
I will answer it straight;—I have done all
this:—That is now answer'd.
Shal.
The Council shall know this.
Fal.
'Twere better for you, if it were known in
counsel1note
Peace: I pray you. Now let us understand:
There is three umpires in this matter, as I
understand: that is—master Page, fidelicet, master
Page; and there is myself, fidelicet, myself; and
the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of
the Garter.
Page.
We three, to hear it, and end it between
them.
Eva.
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my
note-book; and we will afterwards 'orke upon the
cause, with as great discreetly as we can.
Fal.
Pistol,—
Pist.
He hears with ears.
Eva.
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this9note,
He hears with ear? Why, it is affectations.
Fal.
Pistol, did you pick master Slender's purse?
Slen.
Ay, by these gloves, did he, (or I would
I might never come in mine own great chamber
again else,) of seven groats in mill-sixpences1note
, sir, was, as they say,
cashier'd; and so conclusions pass'd the careires9note
.
-- 25 --
Slen.
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis
no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
Eva.
So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal.
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen;
you hear it.
Enter Mistress Anne Page with Wine; Mistress Ford and Mistress Page following.
Page.
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll
drink within.
[Exit Anne Page.
-- 26 --
Slen.
O heaven! this is mistress Anne Page.
Page.
How now, mistress Ford?
Fal.
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very
well met: by your leave, good mistress.
[Kissing her.
Page.
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome:—
Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner;
come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all
unkindness.
[Exeunt all but Shal., Slender, and Evans.
Slen.
I had rather than forty shillings, I had my
book of Songs and Sonnets here1note
:—
Enter Simple.
How now, Simple! Where have you been? I must
wait on myself, must I? You have not The Book ofRiddles2note about you, have you?
Sim.
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it
-- 27 --
to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas3note
?
Shal.
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you.
A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: There is,
as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off
by sir Hugh here;—Do you understand me?
Slen.
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it
be so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal.
Nay, but understand me.
Slen.
So I do, sir.
Eva.
Give ear to his motions, master Slender: I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
Slen.
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says:
I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in
his country, simple though I stand here.
Eva.
But that is not the question; the question
is concerning your marriage.
Shal.
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Eva.
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to mistress
Anne Page.
Slen.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her, upon
any reasonable demands.
Eva.
But can you affection the 'oman? Let us
command to know that of your mouth, or of your
lips; for divers philosophers hold, that the lips is
;—Therefore precisely, can
you carry your good will to the maid?
Shal.
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love
her?
Slen.
I hope, sir, I will do, as it shall become
one that would do reason.
Eva.
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must
speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her.
Shal.
That you must: Will you, upon good
dowry, marry her?
Slen.
I will do a greater thing than that, upon
your request, cousin, in any reason.
Shal.
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet
coz; what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: Can you
love the maid?
Slen.
I will marry her, sir, at your request; but
if there be no great love in the beginning, yet
heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance,
when we are married, and have more occasion to
know one another: I hope, upon familiarity will
grow more contempt5note
: but if you say, marry her,
-- 29 --
I will marry her, that I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely.
Eva.
It is a fery discretion answer; save, the
faul'is in the 'ort dissolutely: the 'ort is, according
to our meaning, resolutely;—his meaning is good.
Shal.
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slen.
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la.
Re-enter Anne Page.
Shal.
Here comes fair mistress Anne:—Would
I were young, for your sake, mistress Anne!
Anne.
The dinner is on the table; my father
desires your worships' company.
Shal.
I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
Eva.
Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at
the grace.
[Exeunt Shallow and Sir H. Evans.
Anne.
Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
Slen.
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am
very well.
Anne.
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slen.
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth:
Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go, wait upon
my cousin Shallow6note
: [Exit Simple.] A justice
-- 30 --
of peace sometime may be beholden to his friend
for a man:—I keep but three men and a boy yet7note,
till my mother be dead: But what though? yet I
live like a poor gentleman born.
Anne.
I may not go in without your worship:
they will not sit, till you come.
Slen.
I'faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as
much as though I did.
Anne.
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slen.
I had rather walk here, I thank you: I
bruised my shin the other day with playing at sword
and dagger with a master of fence8note, (three veneys
loose, twenty times; and
have taken him by the chain: but, I warrant you,
the women have so cried and shriek'd at it, that it
pass'd3note
:—but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em;
they are very ill-favoured rough things.
Re-enter Page.
Page.
Come, gentle master Slender, come; we
stay for you.
Slen.
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page.
By cock and pye4note, you shall not choose,
sir: come, come.
-- 33 --
Slen.
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page.
Come on, sir.
Slen.
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne.
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
Slen.
Truly, I will not go first; truly, la: I will
not do you that wrong.
Anne.
I pray you, sir.
Slen.
I'll rather be unmannerly, than troublesome:
you do yourself wrong, indeed, la.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.The Same.Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.
Eva.
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius'
house, which is the way: and there dwells one
mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his
nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry5note,
his washer, and his wringer.
Simp.
Well, sir.
Eva.
Nay, it is petter yet:—give her this letter;
for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance6note
with mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
and require her to solicit your master's desires
to mistress Anne Page: I pray you, be gone; I will
-- 34 --
make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and
cheese to come.
[Exeunt.SCENE III.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
No quips now, Pistol; Indeed I am in the
waist two yards about: but I am now about no
waste1note
;
I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to
make love to Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in
her; she discourses, she carves2note
, she gives the leer
of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar
style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour,
to be English'd rightly, is, I am sir John Falstaff's.
Pist.
He hath studied her well, and translated
her well3note
The humour rises; it is good: humour me
the angels.
Fal.
I have writ me here a letter to her: and
here another to Page's wife; who even now gave
me good eyes too, examin'd my parts with most
judicious eyliads7note
: sometimes the beam of her view
gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly8note
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention2note
, that the appetite of her
-- 41 --
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning glass!
Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty3note.
I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me4note
: they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear
thou this letter to mistress Page; and thou this to
mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist.
Shall I sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym.
I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour-letter; I will keep the 'haviour of reputation.
Fal.
Hold, sirrah, [to Rob.] bear you these letters tightly5note
to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hail-stones, go;
Trudge, plod, away, o'the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age7note,
French thrift, you rogues: myself, and skirted page. [Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.
Thou art the Mars of malcontents: I second
thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.A Room in Dr. Caius's House.
Enter Mrs. Quickly, Simple, and Rugby6note.
Quick.
What; John Rugby!—I pray thee, go to
the casement, and see if you can see my master,
master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i'faith, and
find any body in the house, here will be an old
abusing of God's patience, and the king's English.
Rug.
I'll go watch.
[Exit Rugby.
Quick.
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at
night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire7note.
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall
come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale,
nor no breed-bate8note
: his worst fault is, that he
is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way9note
:
-- 46 --
but nobody but has his fault;—but let that pass.
Peter Simple, you say your name is?
Sim.
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quick.
And master Slender's your master?
Sim.
Ay, forsooth.
Quick.
Does he not wear a great round beard1note,
like a glover's paring-knife?
: Run in here,
good young man; go into this closet. [Shuts Simplein the closet.] He will not stay long.—What,
John Rugby! John, what, John, I say!—Go, John,
go enquire for my master; I doubt, he be not
well, that he comes not home:—and down, down,adown-a6note
Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys;
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier
verd8note
;
a box, a green-a box; Do intend vat I speak?
a green-a box.
Quick.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. I am glad
-- 50 --
he went not in himself: if he had found the young
man, he would have been horn-mad.
[Aside.
Caius.
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud.Je m'en vais à la Cour,—la grand affaire.
Quick.
Is it this, sir?
Caius.
Ouy; mette le au mon pocket; Depeche,
quickly:—Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Quick.
What, John Rugby! John!
Rug.
Here, sir.
Caius.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby: Come, take-a your rapier, and come after
my heel to de court.
Rug.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Caius.
By my trot, I tarry too long:—Od's me!
Qu'ay j'oublié? dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Quick.
Ah me! he'll find the young man there,
and be mad.
Caius.
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?—
Villainy! larron![Pulling Simple out.] Rugby,
my rapier.
Quick.
Good master, be content.
Caius.
Verefore shall I be content-a?
Quick.
The young man is an honest man.
Caius.
Vat shall the honest man do in my closet?
dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quick.
I beseech you, be not so flegmarick; hear
the truth of it: He came of an errand to me from
parson Hugh.
Caius.
Vell.
Sim.
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—
Quick.
Peace, I pray you.
Caius.
Peace-a your tongue:—Speak-a your tale.
Sim.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to mistress Anne Page
for my master, in the way of marriage.
-- 51 --
Quick.
This is all, indeed, la; but I'll ne'er put
my finger in the fire, and need not.
Caius.
Sir Hugh send-a you?—Rugby, baillezme some paper: Tarry you a little-a while.
[Writes.
Quick.
I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been
thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so
loud, and so melancholy;—But notwithstanding,
man, I'll do your master what good I can: and the
very yea and the no is, the French Doctor, my
master,—I may call him my master, look you, for
I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink9note, make the beds, and
do all myself;—
Sim.
'Tis a great charge, to come under one
body's hand.
Quick.
Are you avis'd o'that? you shall find it
a great charge: and to be up early and down late;
—but notwithstanding, (to tell you in your ear; I
would have no words of it;) my master himself is
in love with mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding
that,—I know Anne's mind,—that's neither
here nor there.
Caius.
You jack'nape; give-a dis letter to Sir
Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I vill cut his troat
in de park; and I vill teach a scurvy jack-a-nape
priest to meddle or make:—you may be gone; it is
not good you tarry here:—by gar, I vill cut all his
two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to
trow at his dog.
[Exit Simple.
Quick.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius.
It is no matter-a for dat:—do not you
tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself?—
-- 52 --
by gar, I vill kill de Jack priest1note; and I have appointed
mine host of de Jarterre to measure our
weapon:—by gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
Quick.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be
well: we must give folks leave to prate: What,
the good-jer2note
!
Caius.
Rugby, come to the court vit me;—By
gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your
head out of my door:—Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Exeunt Caius and Rugby.
Quick.
You shall have An fools-head of your
own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a
woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind
than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I
thank heaven.
Fent. [Within.]
Who's within there, ho?
Quick.
Who's there, I trow? Come near the
house, I pray you.
Enter Fenton.
Fent.
How now, good woman; how dost thou?
Quick.
The better, that it pleases your good
worship to ask.
Fent.
What news? how does pretty mistress
Anne?
Quick.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest,
-- 53 --
and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell
you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
Fent.
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall
I not lose my suit?
Quick.
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you:—Have not your worship a
wart above your eye?
Fent.
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
Quick.
Well, thereby hangs a tale;—good faith,
it is such another Nan;—but, I detest4note
, an honest
maid's as ever broke bread:—We had an hour's talk
of that wart;—I shall never laugh but in that
maid's company!—But, indeed, she is given too
much to allicholly5note and musing: But for you—
Well, go to.
Fent.
Well, I shall see her to-day: Hold,
there's money for thee; let me have thy voice in
my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend
me—
Quick.
Will I? i'faith, that we will: and I will
tell your worship more of the wart, the next time
we have confidence; and of other wooers.
Fent.
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
[Exit.
Quick.
Farewell to your worship.—Truly, an
honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I
know Anne's mind as well as another does:—Out
upon't! what have I forgot6note?
[Exit.
-- 54 --
ACT II.SCENE I.Before Page's House.
Enter Mistress Page, with a Letter.
Mrs. Page.
What! have I 'scaped love-letters
in the holy-day time of my beauty, and am I now
a subject for them? Let me see:
[Reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
love use reason for his precisian, he admits him not
for his counsellor7note
: You are not young, no more am
-- 55 --
I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so
am I; Ha! ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; Would you desire better sympathy?
Let it suffice thee, mistress Page, (at the
least, if the love of a soldier can suffice,) that I love
thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldier-like
phrase; but I say, love me. By me,
,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight.
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this?—O wicked, wicked,
world!—one that is well nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behaviour9note hath this Flemish drunkard1note
-- 56 --
picked (with the devil's name) out of my conversation,
that he dares in this manner assay me? Why,
he hath not been thrice in my company!—What
should I say to him?—I was then frugal of my
mirth2note:—heaven forgive me!—Why, I'll exhibit a
bill in the parliament for the putting down of fat
men3note
. How shall I be revenged on him? for
-- 57 --
revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of
puddings.
Enter Mistress Ford.
Mrs. Ford.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going
to your house.
Mrs. Page.
And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have
to show to the contrary.
Mrs. Page.
'Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, I do then; yet, I say, I could
show you to the contrary: O, mistress Page, give
me some counsel!
Mrs. Page.
What's the matter, woman?
Mrs. Ford.
O woman, if it were not for one
trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
-- 58 --
Mrs. Page.
Hang the trifle, woman; take the
honour: What is it?—dispense with trifles;—
what is it?
Mrs. Ford.
If I would but go to hell for an
eternal moment, or so, I could be knighted.
Mrs. Page.
What?—thou liest!—Sir Alice Ford!
—These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst
not alter the article of thy gentry4note
:—here, read,
read;—perceive how I might be knighted.—I shall
think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an
eye to make difference of men's liking6note
: And yet
-- 60 --
he would not swear; praised women's modesty: and
gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all
uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words:
but they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the hundreth psalm to the tune of Greensleeves7note
. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale,
with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at
Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
think, the best way were to entertain him with
hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him
-- 61 --
in his own grease8note
.—Did you ever hear the
like?
Mrs. Page.
Letter for letter; but that the name
of Page and Ford differs!—To thy great comfort in
this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother
of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest,
mine never shall. I warrant, he hath a thousand
of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names, (sure more,) and these are of the
second edition: He will print them out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press9note, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under mount Pelion1note. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles, ere one chaste man.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, this is the very same; the
very hand, the very words: What doth he think of
us?
Mrs. Page.
Nay, I know not: It makes me
almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty.
I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some
strain in me2note
, that I know not myself, he would
never have boarded me in this fury.
-- 62 --
Mrs. Ford.
Boarding call you it? I'll be sure
to keep him above deck.
Mrs. Page.
So will I; if he come under my
hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged
on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a
show of comfort in his suit; and lead him on with
a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to
mine Host of the Garter.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him, that may not sully the chariness
of our honesty3note. O, that my husband saw this letter4note!
it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page.
Why, look, where he comes; and
my good man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I
am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance.
Mrs. Ford.
You are the happier woman.
Mrs. Page.
Let's consult together against this
greasy knight: Come hither.
: Prevent, or go thou,
Like sir Actæon he, with Ring-wood at thy heels:—
O, odious is the name!
Ford.
What name, sir?
Pist.
The horn, I say: Farewel.
Take heed; have open eye; for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing9note.—
Away, sir corporal Nym.—
And this is true; [to Page.] I like not the
humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some
humours: I should have borne the humoured letter
to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon
my necessity. He loves your wife2note; there's the
short and the long. My name is corporal Nym;
I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true:—my name is
-- 65 --
Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife.—Adieu! I love
not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's
the humour of it. Adieu.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy.—
Get you home, go.
Mrs. Ford.
'Faith, thou hast some crotchets in
thy head now.—Will you go, mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
Have with you.—You'll come to
dinner, George?—Look, who comes yonder: she
shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
[Aside to Mrs. Ford.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Mrs. Ford.
Trust me, I thought on her: she'll
fit it.
Mrs. Page.
You are come to see my daughter
Anne?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; And, I pray, how does
good mistress Anne?
Mrs. Page.
Go in with us, and see; we have an
hour's talk with you.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quickly.
Page.
How now, master Ford?
Ford.
You heard what this knave told me; did
you not?
Page.
Yes; And you heard what the other told
me?
Ford.
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page.
Hang 'em, slaves; I do not think the
knight would offer it: but these that accuse him
in his intent towards our wives, are a yoke of his
-- 68 --
discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of
service6note.
Ford.
Were they his men?
Page.
Marry, were they.
Ford.
I like it never the better for that.—Does
he lie at the Garter?
Page.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend
this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose
to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp
words, let it lie on my head.
Ford.
I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would
be loath to turn them together: A man may be too
confident: I would have nothing lie on my head7note:
I cannot be thus satisfied.
Page.
Look, where my ranting host of the Garter
comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money
in his purse, when he looks so merrily.—How now,
mine host?
Enter Host, and Shallow.
Host.
How now, bully-rook? thou'rt a gentleman
cavalero-justice8note
, I say.
Shal.
I follow, mine host, I follow.—Good even,
and twenty, good master Page! Master Page, will
you go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host.
Tell him, cavalero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
-- 69 --
Shal.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought, between
sir Hugh the Welch priest, and Caius the French
doctor.
Ford.
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with
you.
Host.
What say'st thou, bully-rook?
[They go aside.
Shal.
Will you [to Page] go with us to behold
it? My merry host hath had the measuring of
their weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed
them contrary places: for, believe me, I hear, the
parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our
sport shall be.
Host.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavalier?
Ford.
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle
of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell
him, my name is Brook9note; only for a jest.
Host.
My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress
and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be
Brook: It is a merry knight.—Will you go, Anheires1note
?
-- 70 --
Shal.
Have with you, mine host.
Page.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good
skill in his rapier2note
.
Shal.
Tut, sir, I could have told you more: In
these times you stand on distance, your passes,
stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart,
master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the
time, with my long sword3note
Have with you:—I had rather hear them
scold than fight.
[Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page.
-- 72 --
Ford.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands
so firmly on his wife's frailty5note
, yet I cannot put off
my opinion so easily: She was in his company at
Page's house; and, what they made there6note
, I know
not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have
a disguise to sound Falstaff: If I find her honest, I
-- 73 --
lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour
well bestowed.
[Exit.SCENE II.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff and Pistol.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why, then the world's mine oyster7note,
Which I with sword will open.—
I will retort the sum in equipage8note
.
-- 74 --
Fal.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir,
you should lay my countenance to pawn: I have
grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for
you and your coach-fellow, Nym9note
; or else you had
looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons.
I am damned in hell, for swearing to gentlemen my
friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows1note:
and when mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan2note
[unresolved image link]
, I took't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not.
-- 75 --
Pist.
Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
-- 76 --
Fal.
Reason, you rogue, reason: Think'st thou,
I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no
more about me, I am no gibbet for you:—go.—A
short knife and a throng3note
you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!—Why,
thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can
do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I,
I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on
the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity,
am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and
yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags5note, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases6note
, and
-- 78 --
your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you?
Pist.
I do relent; What would'st thou more of
man?
Enter Robin.
Rob.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Quick.
Give your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good wife.
Quick.
Not so, an't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid, then.
Quick.
I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the
first hour I was born.
Fal.
I do believe the swearer: What with me?
-- 79 --
Quick.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or
two?
Fal.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchfafe
thee the hearing.
Quick.
There is one mistress Ford, sir;—I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell
with master doctor Caius.
Fal.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Quick.
Your worship says very true: I pray your
worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Fal.
I warrant thee, nobody hears;—mine own
people, mine own people.
Quick.
Are they so? Heaven bless them, and
make them his servants!
Fal.
Well: Mistress Ford;—what of her?
Quick.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord,
lord! your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive
you, and all of us, I pray!
Fal.
Mistress Ford;—come, mistress Ford,—
Quick.
Marry, this is the short and the long of
it; you have brought her into such a canaries7note
, as
'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor8note, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, (all musk,) and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
-- 80 --
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best, and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her.—I had myself
twenty angels given me this morning: but I defy
all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the
way of honesty:—and, I warrant you, they could
never get her so much as sip on a cup with the
proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls,
nay, which is more, pensioners9note
; but, I warrant
you, all is one with her.
Fal.
But what says she to me? be brief, my
good she Mercury.
Quick.
Marry, she hath received your letter; for
the which she thanks you a thousand times: and
she gives you to notify, that her husband will be
absence from his house between ten and eleven.
-- 81 --
Fal.
Ten and eleven?
Quick.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of1note;—
master Ford, her husband, will be from home.
Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him;
he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold2note
life with him, good heart.
Fal.
Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me
to her; I will not fail her.
Quick.
Why, you say well: But I have another
messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her
hearty commendations to you too;—and let me tell
you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest
wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss you
morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your
worship, that her husband is seldom from home;
-- 82 --
but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never
knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think
you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction
of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Quick.
Blessing on your heart for't!
Fal.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's
wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how
they love me?
Quick.
That were a jest, indeed!—they have not
so little grace, I hope:—that were a trick, indeed!
But mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves3note
; her husband has a marvellous
infection to the little page: and, truly,
master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she
will; and, truly, she deserves it: for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Quick.
Nay, but do so then: and, look you, he
may come and go between you both; and, in any
-- 83 --
case, have a nay-word4note, that you may know one
another's mind, and the boy never need to understand
any thing; for 'tis not good that children
should know any wickedness; old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Fare thee well: commend me to them
both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor.—
Boy, go along with this woman.—This news distracts
me!
:—
Clap on more sails; pursue, up with your fights6note
;
-- 84 --
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit Pistol.
Fal.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee: Let them say, 'tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.
-- 85 --
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir John, there's one master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with
you; and hath sent your worship a morning's
draught of sack7note
.
Fal.
Brook, is his name?
Bard.
Ay, sir.
Fal.
Call him in; [Exit Bardolph.] Such
Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah! ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page,
have I encompassed you? go to; via8note
!
-- 86 --
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised.
Ford.
Bless you, sir.
Fal.
And you, sir: Would you speak with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to press with so little preparation
upon you.
Fal.
You're welcome; What's your will? Give
us leave, drawer.
[Exit Bardolph.
Ford.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much; my name is Brook.
Fal.
Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
Ford.
Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to
charge you9note; for I must let you understand, I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are: the which hath something embolden'd me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open.
Fal.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here
troubles me: if you will help to bear it, sir
John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be
your porter.
Ford.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the
hearing.
Fal.
Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad
to be your servant.
Ford.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be
brief with you;—and you have been a man long
-- 87 --
known to me, though I had never so good means,
as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I
shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good
sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own; that I may pass with a reproof
the easier, sith1note you yourself know, how easy it is
to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her
husband's name is Ford.
Fal.
Well, sir.
Ford.
I have long loved her, and, I protest to
you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a
doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet
her: fee'd every slight occasion, that could but
niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely
to many, to know what she would have given:
briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued
me; which hath been, on the wing of all occasions.
But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind,
or in my means, meed2note
, I am sure, I have received
none; unless experience be a jewel: that I have
purchased at an infinite rate; and that hath taught
me to say this:
Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues3note
.
-- 88 --
Fal.
Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Never.
Fal.
Of what quality was your love then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built upon another
man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by
mistaking the place where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose have you unfolded this
to me?
Ford.
When I have told you that, I have told
you all. Some say, that, though she appear honest
to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth
so far, that there is shrewd construction made of
her. Now, sir John, here is the heart of my purpose:
You are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance4note, authentick
in your place and person, generally allowed5note
-- 89 --
for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
Fal.
O, sir!
Ford.
Believe it, for you know it:—There is
money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all
I have; only give me so much of your time in
exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege6note
to the
honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing,
win her to consent to you; if any man may, you
may as soon as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection, that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks, you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
Ford.
O, understand my drift! she dwells so
securely on the excellency of her honour, that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
bright to be looked against7note
. Now, could I come
to her with any detection in my hand, my desires
had instance and argument8note to commend themselves;
I could drive her then from the ward of
her purity9note
, her reputation, her marriage vow, and
-- 90 --
a thousand other her defences, which now are too
strongly embattled against me: What say you to't,
sir John?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with
your money; next, give me your hand; and last,
as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy
Ford's wife.
Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you
shall want none. I shall be with her, (I may tell
you,) by her own appointment; even as you came
in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from
me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and
eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave,
her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at
night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you
know Ford, sir?
Fal.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not:—yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they
say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money;
for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir; that you
might avoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue!
I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him
with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er
-- 91 --
the cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know
I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou
shalt lie with his wife.—Come to me soon at night:
—Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile1note
;
thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave
and cuckold;—come to me soon at night.
[Exit.
Ford.
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!
—My heart is ready to crack with impatience.—
Who says, this is improvident jealousy? My wife
hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is
made. Would any man have thought this?—See
the hell of having a false woman! my bed shall be
abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn
at; and I shall not only receive this villainous
wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable
terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
Terms! names!—Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer,
well; Barbason2note, well; yet they are devils'
additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold!
wittol-cuckold3note! the devil himself hath not such a
-- 92 --
name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust
his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust
a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the
Welchman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
aqua-vitæ bottle4note
, or a thief to walk my ambling
gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots,
then she ruminates, then she devises: and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be
praised for my jealousy!—Eleven o'clock5note
the hour;
—I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged
on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
better three hours too soon, than a minute too
late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.
-- 93 --
SCENE III.Windsor Park.Enter Caius and Rugby.
Caius.
Jack Rugby!
Rug.
Sir.
Caius.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rug.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that sir Hugh promised
to meet.
Caius.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no
come; he has pray his Pible vell, dat he is no
come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if
he be come.
Rug.
He is wise, sir; he knew, your worship
would kill him, if he came.
Caius.
By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack: I vill tell you
how I vill kill him.
thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there;
to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock7note, thy reverse,
thy distance, thy montánt. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
is he dead, my Francisco8note? ha, bully!
What says my Æsculapius? my Galen? my heart
of elder9note? ha! is he dead, bully Stale1note? is
he dead?
Caius.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of
the vorld; he is not show his face.
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay
six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no
come.
Shal.
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is
a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you
should fight, you go against the hair3note
of your professions;
is it not true, master Page?
-- 96 --
Page.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a
great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Shal.
Bodykins, master Page, though I now be
old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my
finger itches to make one: though we are justices,
and doctors, and churchmen, master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of
women, master Page.
Page.
'Tis true, master Shallow.
Shal.
It will be found so, master Page. Master
doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a
wise physician, and sir Hugh hath shown himself a
wise and patient churchman: you must go with
me, master doctor.
By gar, me do look, he shall clapper-de-claw
me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him
wag.
Caius.
Me tank you for dat.
Host.
And moreover, bully,—But first, master
guest, and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender,
go you through the town to Frogmore.
[Aside to them.
Page.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host.
He is there: see what humour he is in;
and I will bring the doctor about by the fields: will
it do well?
Shal.
We will do it.
Page. Shal. and Slen.
Adieu, good master
doctor.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Caius.
By gar, me vill kill de priest: for he speak
for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host.
Let him die: but, first, sheath thy impatience;
throw cold water on thy choler6note
: go about
the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring
thee where mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house
-- 98 --
a feasting; and thou shall woo her: Cry'd game,
said I well7note
?
-- 99 --
Caius.
By gar, me tank you vor dat: by gar, I
love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest,
-- 100 --
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host.
For the which, I will be thy adversary towards
Anne Page; said I well?
Caius.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host.
Let us wag then.
Caius.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.ACT III.SCENE I.A Field near Frogmore.Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.
Eva.
I pray you now, good master Slender's
serving-man, and friend Simple by your name,
which way have you looked for master Caius, that
calls himself Doctor of Physick?
every way; old Windsor way, and every way but
the town way.
Eva.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
Sim.
I will, sir.
Eva.
'Pless my soul! how full of cholers I am,
and trempling of mind!—I shall be glad, if he
have deceived me:—how melancholies I am!—I
will knog his urinals about his knave's costard,
when I have good opportunities for the 'orke:—
'pless my soul!
I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning,
so wide of his own respect.
-- 108 --
Eva.
What is he?
Page.
I think you know him; master doctor
Caius, the renowned French physician.
-- 109 --
Eva.
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I
had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page.
Why?
Eva.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates
and Galen,—and he is a knave besides; a cowardly
knave, as you would desires to be acquainted
withal.
Page.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight
with him.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
Shal.
It appears so, by his weapons:—Keep
them asunder;—here comes doctor Caius.
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby.
Page.
Nay, good master parson, keep in your
weapon.
Shal.
So do you, good master doctor.
Host.
Disarm them, and let them question; let
them keep their limbs whole, and hack our
English.
Caius.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your
ear: Verefore vill you not meet a-me?
Eva.
Pray you, use your patience: In good time.
Caius.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.
Eva.
Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to
other men's humours; I desire you in friendship,
and I will one way or other make you amends:—I
-- 110 --
will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb,
for missing your meetings and appointments3note.
Caius.
Diable!—Jack Rugby,—mine Host deJarterre, have I not stay for him, to kill him?
have I not, at de place I did appoint?
Eva.
As I am a christians soul, now, look you,
this is the place appointed; I'll be judgement by
mine host of the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Guallia and Gaul, French
and Welch4note
; soul-curer and body-curer.
Caius.
Ay, dat is very good! excellent!
Host.
Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter.
Am I politick? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel?
Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the
potions, and the motions. Shall I lose my parson?
my priest? my sir Hugh? no; he gives me the
proverbs and the no-verbs.—Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
so:—Give me thy hand, celestial; so.—
Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed
you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty,
your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the
issue.—Come, lay their swords to pawn:—Follow
me, lad of Peace; follow, follow, follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad host: Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
Slen.
O, sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host.
-- 111 --
Caius.
Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make-a
de sot of us5note? ha, ha!
Eva.
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog.—I
desire you, that we may be friends; and
let us knog our prains together, to be revenge on
this same scall, scurvy6note
, cogging companion, the
host of the Garter.
Caius.
By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to
bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me
too.
Eva.
Well, I will smite his noddles:—Pray you,
follow.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.The Street in Windsor.Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant;
you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader: Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes,
or eye your master's heels?
Rob.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like
a man, than follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page.
O you are a flattering boy; now, I
see, you'll be a courtier.
-- 112 --
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Well met, mistress Page: Whither go
you?
Mrs. Page.
Truly, sir, to see your wife: Is she
at home?
Ford.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together,
for want of company: I think, if your husbands
were dead, you two would marry.
Mrs. Page.
Be sure of that,—two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mrs. Page.
I cannot tell what the dickens his
name is my husband had him of: What do you call
your knight's name, sirrah?
Rob.
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford.
Sir John Falstaff!
Mrs. Page.
He, he; I can never hit on's name.—
There is such a league between my good man and
he!—Is your wife at home, indeed?
Ford.
Indeed, she is.
Mrs. Page.
By your leave, sir;—I am sick, till
I see her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
Ford.
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes?
hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath
no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter
twenty miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination;
he gives her folly motion, and advantage:
and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy
with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the
wind7note!—and Falstaff's boy with her!—Good
plots!—they are laid; and our revolted wives
-- 113 --
share damnation together. Well; I will take him,
then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of
modesty from the so seeming mistress Page8note
, divulge
Page himself for a secure and wilful Actæon;
and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours
shall cry aim9note
. [Clock strikes.] The clock gives
me my cue, and my assurance bids me search;
there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised
for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as the
earth is firm1note
, that Falstaff is there: I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh
Evans, Caius, and Rugby.
Shal. Page, &c.
Well met, master Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer
at home; and, I pray you, all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse myself, master Ford.
Slen.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to
dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break
with her for more money than I'll speak of.
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
Slen.
I hope, I have your good will, father Page.
Page.
You have, master Slender; I stand wholly
for you:—but my wife, master doctor, is for you
altogether.
Caius.
Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me;
my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to young master Fenton?
he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he
writes verses, he speaks holyday3note
, he smells April
and May4note: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in
his buttons5note
; he will carry't.
-- 115 --
Page.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The
gentleman is of no having6note
: he kept company
with the wild Prince and Poins; he is of too high a
region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit
a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance:
if he take her, let him take her simply;
the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my
consent goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go
home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you
shall have sport; I will show you a monster.—
Master doctor, you shall go;—so shall you, master
Page;—and you, sir Hugh.
-- 116 --
Shal.
Well, fare you well:—we shall have the
freer wooing at master Page's.
[Exeunt Shallow and Slender.
Caius.
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
[Exit Rugby.
Host.
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest
knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
[Exit Host.
Ford. [Aside.]
I think, I shall drink in pipe-wine
first with him; I'll make him dance7note
. Will you go,
gentles?
All.
Have with you, to see this monster.
[Exeunt.
-- 117 --
SCENE III.A Room in Ford's House.
Enter Mrs. Ford and Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
What, John! what, Robert!
Mrs. Page.
Quickly, quickly: Is the buck-basket—
Mrs. Ford.
I warrant;—What, Robin, I say.
Enter Servants with a Basket.
Mrs. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford.
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page.
Give your men the charge; we must
be brief.
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, as I told you before, John,
and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house;
and when I suddenly call you, come forth,
and (without any pause, or staggering,) take this
basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with
it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters8note in
Datchet mead, and there empty it in the muddy
ditch, close by the Thames side.
Mrs. Page.
You will do it?
-- 118 --
Mrs. Ford.
I have told them over and over;
they lack no direction: Be gone, and come when
you are called.
Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not
of your being here; and hath threatened to put me
into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he
swears, he'll turn me away.
Mrs. Page.
Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee
a new doublet and hose.—I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford.
Do so:—Go tell thy master, I am
alone. Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
[Exit Robin.
Mrs. Page.
I warrant thee; if I do not act it,
hiss me.
[Exit Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Go to then; we'll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross watry pumpion;—we'll
teach him to know turtles from jays2note
.
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel3note?
Why, now let me die, for I have lived long
enough4note
; this is the period of my ambition: O
this blessed hour!
Mrs. Ford.
O sweet sir John!
Fal.
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,
mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I
-- 200 --
would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before
the best lord, I would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford.
I your lady, sir John! alas, I should
be a pitiful lady.
Fal.
Let the court of France show me such
another; I see how thine eye would emulate the
diamond: Thou hast the right arched bent5note
of the
brow, that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant,
or any tire of Venetian admittance6note
.
-- 121 --
Mrs. Ford.
A plain kerchief, sir John: my
brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
to say so:
thou would'st make an absolute courtier; and the
firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent
motion to thy gait, in a semi-circled farthingale.
I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe8note
What made me love thee? let that persuade
thee, there's something extraordinary in thee.
Come, I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and
that, like a many of these lisping haw-thorn buds,
that come like women in men's apparel, and smell
like Bucklers-bury1note in simple-time; I cannot: but
I love thee2note
; none but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mrs. Ford.
Do not betray me, sir; I fear, you
love mistress Page.
Fal.
Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk
by the Counter-gate; which is as hateful to me as
the reek of a lime-kiln3note
.
Mrs. Ford.
Well, heaven knows, how I love
you; and you shall one day find it.
Fal.
Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or
else I could not be in that mind.
-- 124 --
Rob. [Within.]
Mistress Ford, mistress Ford!
here's mistress Page at the door, sweating, and
blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak
with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me
behind the arras4note.
Mrs. Ford.
Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling
woman.—
[Falstaff hides himself.
Enter Mistress Page and Robin.
What's the matter? how now?
Mrs. Page.
O mistress Ford, what have you
done? You're shamed, you are overthrown, you are
undone for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What's the matter, good mistress
Page?
Mrs. Page.
O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having
an honest man to your husband, to give him
such cause of suspicion!
Mrs. Ford.
What cause of suspicion?
Mrs. Page.
What cause of suspicion?—Out
upon you! how am I mistook in you!
Mrs. Ford.
Why, alas! what's the matter?
Mrs. Page.
Your husband's coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for
a gentleman, that, he says, is here now in the house,
by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence:
You are undone.
have such a man here; but 'tis most certain your
husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels,
to search for such a one. I come before to tell
you: If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of
it: but if you have a friend here, convey, convey
him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to
you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your
good life for ever.
Mrs. Ford.
What shall I do?—There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own
shame, so much as his peril: I had rather than a
thousand pound, he were out of the house.
Mrs. Page.
For shame, never stand you hadrather, and you had rather; your husband's here at
hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the
house you cannot hide him.—O, how have you deceived
me!—Look, here is a basket; if he be of
any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to
bucking: Or, it is whiting-time6note, send him by
your two men to Datchet mead.
Mrs. Ford.
He's too big to go in there: What
shall I do?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't!
I'll in, I'll in;—follow your friend's counsel;—
I'll in.
Mrs. Page.
What! sir John Falstaff! Are these
your letters, knight?
Fal.
I love thee, and none but thee7note; help me
away: let me creep in here; I'll never—
[He goes into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.
-- 126 --
Mrs. Page.
Help to cover your master, boy:
Call your men, mistress Ford:—You dissembling
knight!
Mrs. Ford.
What, John, Robert, John! [Exit
Robin. Re-enter Servants.] Go take up these
clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowl-staff8note
: carry them to the laundress
in Datchet mead1note; quickly, come.
-- 127 --
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without
cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be
your jest; I deserve it.—How now? whither bear
you this?
Serv.
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, what have you to do whither
they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash myself of the
buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant
you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear1note
.
[Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I
have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream.
Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers,
search, seek, find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel
the fox:—Let me stop this way first:—So, now
uncape2note
.
-- 128 --
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented: you
wrong yourself too much.
Ford.
True, master Page.—Up, gentlemen; you
shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit.
Eva.
This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is
not jealous in France.
Page.
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue
of his search.
[Exeunt Evans, Page, and Caius.
Mrs. Page.
Is there not a double excellency in
this?
Mrs. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better,
that my husband is deceived, or sir John.
Mrs. Page.
What a taking was he in, when
your husband asked who was in the basket3note!
Mrs. Ford.
I am half afraid he will have need of
washing; so throwing him into the water will do
him a benefit.
-- 129 --
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would
all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford.
I think, my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never
saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mrs. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that: And
we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we send that foolish carrion4note,
mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing
into the water; and give him another hope, to betray
him to another punishment?
Mrs. Page.
We'll do it: let him be sent for to-morrow
eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
I cannot find him: may be the knave
bragged of that he could not compass.
Mrs. Page.
Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford.
Ay, ay, peace5note:—You use me well,
master Ford, do you?
Ford.
Ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
Ford.
Amen.
Mrs. Page.
You do yourself mighty wrong,
master Ford.
Ford.
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Eva.
If there be any pody in the house, and in
-- 130 --
the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgement!
Caius.
By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies.
Page.
Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not have your distemper in this kind, for
the wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it.
Eva.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife
is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
Caius.
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well;—I promised you a dinner:—Come,
come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me;
I will hereafter make known to you, why I have
done this.—Come, wife;—come, mistress Page; I
pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me,
we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning
to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding
together; I have a fine hawk for the bush: Shall
it be so?
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow
on the lousy knave, mine host.
Caius.
Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart.
-- 131 --
Eva.
A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his
mockeries.
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.A Room in Page's House.Enter Fenton and Mistress Anne Page.
Fent.
I see, I cannot get thy father's love;
Therefore, no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne.
Alas! how then?
Fent.
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object, I am too great of birth;
And that, my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,—
My riots past, my wild societies:
And tells me, 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee, but as a property.
Anne.
May be, he tells you true.
Fent.
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth7note
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
-- 132 --
Anne.
Gentle master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love: still seek it, sir:
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then.—Hark you hither. [They converse apart.Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mrs. Quickly.
Shal.
Break their talk, mistress Quickly; my
kinsman shall speak for himself.
No, she shall not dismay me: I care not
for that,—but that I am afeard.
Quick.
Hark ye; master Slender would speak a
word with you.
Anne.
I come to him.—This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! [Aside.
Quick.
And how does good master Fenton? Pray
you, a word with you.
Shal.
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou
hadst a father!
-- 133 --
Slen.
I had a father, mistress Anne;—my uncle
can tell you good jests of him:—Pray you, uncle,
tell mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.
Shal.
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slen.
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman
in Glocestershire.
He will make you a hundred and fifty
pounds jointure.
Anne.
Good master Shallow, let him woo for
himself.
Shal.
Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for
that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave
you.
Anne.
Now, master Slender.
Slen.
Now, good mistress Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty
jest, indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank
heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give
heaven praise.
-- 135 --
Anne.
I mean, master Slender, what would you
with me?
Slen.
Truly, for mine own part, I would little
or nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle,
have made motions: if it be my luck, so: if not,
happy man be his dole1note! They can tell you how
things go, better than I can: You may ask your
father; here he comes.
Enter Page and Mistress Page.
Page.
Now, master Slender:—Love him, daughter Anne.—
Why, how now! what does master Fenton here?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.
Fent.
Nay, master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page.
Good master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fent.
Sir, will you hear me?
Page.
No, good master Fenton.
Come, master Shallow; come, son Slender; in:—
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, master Fenton. [Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quick.
Speak to mistress Page.
Fent.
Good mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love2note
,
And not retire: Let me have your good will.
-- 136 --
Anne.
Good mother, do not marry me to yond' fool.
Mrs. Page.
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
Quick.
That's my master, master doctor.
Anne.
Alas, I had rather be set quick i'the earth,
And bowl'd to death with turnips3note
.
Mrs. Page.
Come, trouble not yourself: Good master Fenton,
I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected;
'Till then, farewell, sir:—She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry. [Exeunt Mrs. Page and Anne.
This is my doing now;—Nay, said I,
will you cast away your child on a fool, and a
physician5note
? Look on master Fenton:—this is my
doing.
-- 137 --
Fent.
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night6note
Give my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy pains. [Exit.
Quick.
Now heaven send thee good fortune! A
kind heart he hath: a woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet, I
would my master had mistress Anne; or I would
master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would
master Fenton had her: I will do what I can for
them all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be
as good as my word; but speciously7note for master
Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to sir
John Falstaff from my two mistresses; What a
beast am I to slack it8note?
[Exit.
-- 138 --
SCENE V.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal.
Bardolph, I say,—
Bard.
Here, sir.
Fal.
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast
in't. [Exit Bard.] Have I lived to be carried in
a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal; and to
be thrown into the Thames? Well, if I be served
such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out,
and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new
year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river
with as little remorse as they would have drowned a
bitch's blind puppies9note
, fifteen i' the litter; and you
may know by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity
in sinking: if the bottom were as deep as hell,
I should down. I had been drowned, but that the
shore was shelvy and shallow; a death that I abhor;
for the water swells a man; and what a thing
should I have been, when I had been swelled! I
should have been a mountain of mummy.
-- 139 --
Re-enter Bardolph, with the Wine.
Bard.
Here's mistress Quickly, sir, to speak
with you.
Fal.
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had
swallowed snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call
her in.
Bard.
Come in, woman.
Enter Mrs. Quickly.
Quick.
By your leave; I cry you mercy: Give
your worship good-morrow.
Fal.
Take away these chalices: Go brew me a
pottle of sack finely.
Bard.
With eggs, sir?
Fal.
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my
brewage.—[Exit Bardolph.]—How now?
Quick.
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from
mistress Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough:
I was thrown into the ford: I have my belly full
of ford.
Quick.
Alas the day! good heart, that was not
her fault: she does so take on with her men; they
mistook their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quick.
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it
would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband
goes this morning a birding; she desires you once
more to come to her between eight and nine: I
must carry her word quickly: she'll make you
amends, I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid
her think, what a man is: let her consider his
frailty, and then judge of my merit.
-- 140 --
Quick.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?
Quick.
Eight and nine, sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
Quick.
Peace be with you, sir!
[Exit.
Fal.
I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he
sent me word to stay within: I like his money well.
O, here he comes.
Enter Ford.
Ford.
Bless you, sir!
Fal.
Now, master Brook? you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford's wife?
Ford.
That, indeed, sir John, is my business.
Fal.
Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was
at her house the hour she appointed me.
No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto
her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual
larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant
of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our
comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his distemper,
and, forsooth, to search his house for his
wife's love.
Ford.
What, while you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
Ford.
And did he search for you, and could not
find you?
Fal.
You shall hear. As good luck would have
-- 141 --
it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence
of Ford's approach; and, by* note her invention, and
Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket2note.
: rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was
the rankest compound of villainous smell, that ever
offended nostril.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by
their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their
shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in
the door; who asked them once or twice what they
had in their basket4note
: I quaked for fear, lest the
-- 142 --
lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well; on went he for a search, and away went I
for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master
Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several
deaths5note: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected
with6note
a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed,
like a good bilbo7note
, in the circumference of a
peck, hilt to point, heel to head: and then, to be
stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking
clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of
that,—a man of my kidney8note,—think of that; that
am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of continual
dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation.
And in the height of this bath, when I
was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch
dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled,
glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse shoe; think
of that,—hissing hot,—think of that, master Brook.
Ford.
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my
-- 143 --
sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is
desperate; you'll undertake her no more?
Fal.
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Ætna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding:
I have received from her another embassy of
meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master
Brook.
to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the
conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying
her: Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook;
master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
[Exit.
Ford.
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a
dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake,
master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat,
master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to
have linen, and buck-baskets!—Well, I will proclaim
myself what I am: I will now take the
lecher; he is at my house: he cannot 'scape me;
'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a
halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest
the devil that guides him should aid him, I will
search impossible places. Though what I am I
cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not
make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad,
let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad1note.
. SCENE IThe Street.Enter Mrs. Page, Mrs. Quickly, and William.
Mrs. Page.
Is he at master Ford's already,
think'st thou?
Quick.
Sure, he is by this; or will be presently:
but truly, he is very courageous mad, about his
throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you
to come suddenly.
Mrs. Page.
I'll be with her by and by; I'll but
bring my young man here to school: Look, where
his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to-day?
Eva.
No; master Slender is let the boys leave
to play.
Quick.
Blessing of his heart!
-- 145 --
Mrs. Page.
Sir Hugh, my husband says, my
son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray
you, ask him some questions in his accidence.
Eva.
Come hither, William; hold up your head;
come.
Mrs. Page.
Come on, sirrah; hold up your head;
answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva.
William, how many numbers is in nouns?
Will.
Two.
Mrs. Quick.
Truly, I thought there had been one number
more; because they say, od's nouns.
Eva.
Peace your tatlings. What is fair, William?
Will.
Pulcher.
Quick.
Pole-cats! there are fairer things than
pole-cats, sure.
Eva.
You are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray
you, peace. What is lapis, William?
Will.
A stone.
Eva.
And what is a stone, William?
Will.
A pebble.
Eva.
No, it is lapis; I pray you remember in
your prain.
Will.
Lapis.
Eva.
That is good, William. What is he, William,
that does lend articles?
Will.
Articles are borrowed of the pronoun;
and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic,hæc, hoc.
Eva.
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;—pray you,
mark: genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusativecase?
Will.
Accusativo, hinc.
Eva.
I pray you, have your remembrance, child;
Accusativo, hing, hang, hog.
Quick.
Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant
you.
Eva.
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the
focative case, William?
'Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her!
—never name her, child, if she be a whore.
Eva.
For shame, 'oman.
Quick.
You do ill to teach the child such words:
he teaches him to hick and to hack5note, which they'll
do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum,
—fie upon you!
Eva.
'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no
understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of
the genders? Thou art as foolish christian creatures
as I would desires.
Mrs. Page.
Pr'ythee hold thy peace.
Eva.
Shew me now, William, some declensions
of your pronouns.
Will.
Forsooth, I have forgot.
Eva.
It is ki, kæ, cod; if you forget your kies,
your kæs6note, and your cods, you must be preeches7note
Adieu, good sir Hugh. Exit Sir
Hugh.] Get you home, boy.—Come, we stay too
long.
[Exeunt.SCENE II.A Room in Ford's House.
Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Ford.
Fal.
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your
love9note
, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth;
not only, Mrs. Ford, in the simple office of love,
but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
-- 148 --
Mrs. Ford.
He's a birding, sweet sir John.
Mrs. Page. [Within.]
What hoa, gossip Ford!
what hoa!
Mrs. Ford.
Step into the chamber, sir John.
[Exit Falstaff.
Enter Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Page.
How now, sweetheart? who's at
home besides yourself?
yonder with my
husband; so rails against all married mankind; so
curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever;
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying,
Peer-out, Peer-out!3note
that any madness, I ever yet
beheld, seemed but tameness, civility, and patience,
-- 149 --
to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the
fat knight is not here.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page.
Of none but him; and swears, he
was carried out, the last time he searched for him,
in a basket: protests to my husband, he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport, to make another experiment of his
suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here;
now he shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford.
How near is he, mistress Page?
Mrs. Page.
Hard by; at street end; he will be
here anon.
Mrs. Ford.
I am undone!—the knight is here.
Mrs. Page.
Why, then you are utterly shamed,
and he's but a dead man. What a woman are
you?—Away with him, away with him; better
shame than murder.
Mrs. Ford.
Which way should he go? how
should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the
basket again?
Re-enter Falstaff.
Fal.
No, I'll come no more i' the basket: May
I not go out, ere he come?
Mrs. Page.
Alas, three of master Ford's brothers
watch the door with pistols4note
, that none shall issue
out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here5note
?
-- 150 --
Fal.
What shall I do?—I'll creep up into the
chimney.
Mrs. Ford.
There they always use to discharge
their birding-pieces: Creep into the kiln-hole6note.
Fal.
Where is it?
Mrs. Ford.
He will seek there, on my word.
Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but
he hath an abstract7note
for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note: There is no
hiding you in the house.
Fal.
I'll go out then.
Mrs. Page.
If you go8note out in your own semblance,
you die, sir John. Unless you go out disguised,—
Mrs. Ford.
How might we disguise him?
Mrs. Page.
Alas the day, I know not. There
is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise,
he might put on a hat, a muffler , and a kerchief,
and so escape.
-- 151 --
Fal.
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity,
rather than a mischief.
Mrs. Ford.
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
Mrs. Page.
On my own word, it will serve him; she's
as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her
muffler too9note
: Run up, sir John.
Mrs. Ford.
Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress
Page and I will look some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page.
Quick, quick; we'll come dress you
straight: put on the gown the while.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Ford.
I would, my husband would meet
him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman
of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch; forbade her
my house, and hath threatened to beat her.
Mrs. Page.
Heaven guide him to thy husband's
cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
Mrs. Ford.
But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page.
Ay, in good sadness, is he; and
-- 152 --
talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my
men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the
door with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page.
Nay, but he'll be here presently:
let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll first direct my men, what they
shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for
him straight.
[Exit.
Mrs. Page.
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we
cannot misuse him enough1note.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not act, that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old but true, Still swine eat all the draff2note.
[Exit.
Re-enter Mrs. Ford, with two Servants.
Mrs. Ford.
Go, sirs, take the basket again on
your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he
bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, despatch.
Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Ford.
Ay, but if it prove true, master Page,
have you any way then to unfool me again?—Set
down the basket, villain:—Somebody call my wife:
—You, youth in a basket, come out here4note!—O,
you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging5note
, a
pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil
be shamed. What! wife, I say! come, come
forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching.
! Master Ford, you are
not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
-- 154 --
Eva.
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad
dog!
Shal.
Indeed, master Ford, this is not well;
indeed.
Enter Mrs. Ford.
Ford.
So say I too, sir.—Come hither, mistress
Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest
wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous
fool to her husband!—I suspect without cause,
mistress, do I?
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven be my witness, you do, if
you suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford.
Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.—
Come forth, sirrah.
[Pulls the Clothes out of the Basket.
Page.
This passes!
Mrs. Ford.
Are you not ashamed? let the clothes
alone.
Ford.
I shall find you anon.
Eva.
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your
wife's clothes? Come away.
Ford.
Empty the basket, I say.
Mrs. Ford.
Why, man, why,—
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was
one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this
basket: Why may not he be there again? In my
house I am sure he is: my intelligence is true; my
jealousy is reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall die
a flea's death.
Page.
Here's no man.
Shal.
By my fidelity, this is not well, master
Ford; this wrongs you7note
.
-- 155 --
Eva.
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart: this is
jealousies.
Ford.
Well, he's not here I seek for.
Page.
No, nor no where else, but in your brain.
Ford.
Help to search my house this one time:
if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my
extremity, let me for ever be your table-sport; let
them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that searched
a hollow walnut for his wife's leman8note. Satisfy me
once more; once more search with me.
Mrs. Ford.
What hoa, mistress Page! come you,
and the old woman, down; my husband will come
into the chamber.
Ford.
Old woman! What old woman's that?
Mrs. Ford.
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford.
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean!
Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of
errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not
know what's brought to pass under the profession
of fortune-telling. She works by charms9note
Are you not ashamed? I think, you
have killed the poor woman.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, he will do it:—'Tis a goodly
credit for you.
Ford.
Hang her, witch!
Eva.
By yea and no, I think, the 'oman is a
witch indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great
peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler5note
.
Ford.
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech
you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I
cry out thus upon no trail6note
, never trust me when I
open again.
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further:
Come, gentlemen.
[Exeunt Page, Ford, Shallow, and Evans.
-- 158 --
Mrs. Page.
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, by the mass, that he did not;
he beat him most unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page.
I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and
hung o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford.
What think you? May we, with
the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a
good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page.
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery7note, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again8note.
Mrs. Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
Mrs. Page.
Yes, by all means; if it be but to
scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If
they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous
fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
Mrs. Ford.
I'll warrant, they'll have him publickly
shamed: and, methinks, there would be no
period9note
to the jest, should he not be publickly
shamed.
-- 159 --
Mrs. Page.
Come, to the forge with it then,
shape it: I would not have things cool.
[Exeunt.SCENE III.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Host and Bardolph.
Bard.
Sir, the Germans desire* note to have three of
your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at
court, and they are going to meet him.
Host.
What duke should that be, comes so secretly?
I hear not of him in the court: Let me
speak with the gentlemen; they speak English?
They shall have my horses: but I'll make
them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my
houses a week at command; I have turned away
my other guests: they must come off2note
; I'll sauce
them: Come.
[Exeunt.
-- 160 --
SCENE IV.A Room in Ford's House.
Enter Page, Ford, Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman
as ever I did look upon.
Page.
And did he send you both these letters at
an instant?
Mrs. Page.
Within a quarter of an hour.
Ford.
Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou wilt;
I rather will suspect the sun with cold3note
,
-- 161 --
Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretick,
As firm as faith.
Page.
'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as éxtreme in submission,
As in offence;
But let our plot go forward: let our wives
Yet once again, to make us publick sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it.
Ford.
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page.
How! to send him word they'll meet
him in the park at midnight! fie, fie; he'll never
come.
Eva.
You say, he has been thrown into the
rivers; and has been grievously peaten, as an old
'oman: methinks, there should be terrors in him,
that he should not come; methinks, his flesh is
punished, he shall have no desires.
Page.
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford.
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
-- 162 --
Mrs. Page.
There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle4note
;
And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner:
You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know,
The superstitious idle-headed eld5note
Received, and did deliver to our age,
This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.
Page.
Why, yet there want not many, that do fear
In deep of night walk by this Herne's oak:
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford.
Marry, this is our device;
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us,
Disguised like Herne, with huge horns on his head6note
.
-- 163 --
Page.
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape: When you have brought him thither,
What shall be done with him? what is your plot?
Mrs. Page.
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:
Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,
And three or four more of their growth, we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes7note, and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song8note
; upon their sight,
-- 164 --
We two in great amazedness will fly:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight9note
;
And ask him, why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread,
In shape profane.
Mrs. Ford.
And till he tell the truth,
-- 165 --
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound1note,
And burn him with their tapers.
Mrs. Page.
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford.
The children must
Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
Eva.
I will teach the children their behaviours;
and I will be like a jack-an-apes also2note, to burn the
knight with my taber.
Ford.
That will be excellent. I'll go buy them
vizards.
Mrs. Page.
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page.
That silk will I go buy;—and in that time3note
Shall master Slender steal my Nan away,
And marry her at Eton. [Aside.]—Go, send to Falstaff straight.
Ford.
Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook:
He'll tell me all his purpose: Sure, he'll come.
-- 166 --
Mrs. Page.
Fear not you that: Go, get us properties4note,
And tricking for our fairies5note
.
Eva.
Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures,
and fery honest knaveries.
[Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans.
Mrs. Page.
Go, mistress Ford,
Send Quickly to sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
And he my husband best of all affects:
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. [Exit.SCENE V.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Host and Simple.
Host.
What would'st thou have, boor? what,
thick-skin6note
Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John
Falstaff from master Slender.
Host.
There's his chamber, his house, his castle,
his standing-bed, and truckle-bed7note
; 'tis painted
about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new:
Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian8noteunto thee: Knock, I say.
Sim.
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone
up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir,
till she come down: I come to speak with her,
indeed.
Host.
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be
robbed: I'll call.—Bully knight! Bully sir John!
speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it
is thine host, thine Ephesian9note
tarries the
coming down of thy fat woman: Let her descend,
bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable:
Fye! privacy? fye!
Enter Falstaff.
Fal.
There was, mine host, an old fat woman
even now with me; but she's gone.
Sim.
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford2note
?
Fal.
Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell3note; What
would you with her?
Sim.
My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to
her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know,
sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a
chain, had the chain, or no.
Fal.
I spake with the old woman about it.
Sim.
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal.
Marry, she says, that the very same man,
that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened
him of it.
-- 169 --
Sim.
I would, I could have spoken with the woman
herself; I had other things to have spoken
with her too, from him.
, thou art clerkly, sir
John: Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal.
Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that
hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before
-- 170 --
in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but
was paid for my learning7note
.
Enter Bardolph.
Bard.
Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage!
Host.
Where be my horses? speak well of them,
varletto.
Bard.
Run away with the cozeners: for so soon
as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from
behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
Doctor Faustuses8note
.
Host.
They are gone but to meet the duke,
villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans are
honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva.
Where is mine host?
Host.
What is the matter, sir?
Eva.
Have a care of your entertainments: there
is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is
three couzin germans, that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of
horses and money. I tell you for good-will, look
you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs;
and 'tis not convenient you should be
cozened: Fare you well.
[Exit.
-- 171 --
Enter Doctor Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mine Host de Jarterre?
Host.
Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and
doubtful dilemma.
Caius.
I cannot tell vat is dat: But it is tell-a
me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke deJarmany: by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court
is know to come: I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit.
Host.
Hue and cry, villain, go:—assist me, knight;
I am undone:—fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am
undone!
[Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
Fal.
I would, all the world might be cozened;
for I have been cozened, and beaten too. If it
should come to the ear of the court, how I have
been transformed, and how my transformation hath
been washed and cudgel'd, they would melt me out
of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots
with me; I warrant, they would whip me with their
fine wits, till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear9note.
I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero1note
.
-- 172 --
Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my
prayers2note, I would repent.—
Enter Mistress Quickly.
Now! whence come you?
Quick.
From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal.
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have
suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous
inconstancy of man's disposition is able to
bear.
Quick.
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good
heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see
a white spot about her.
Fal.
What tell'st thou me of black and blue?
I was beaten myself into all the colours of the
rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the
witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity
of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an
old woman3note
, deliver'd me, the knave constable had
-- 173 --
set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a
witch.
Quick.
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber;
you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat.
Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you
together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven
well4note, that you are so crossed.
Fal.
Come up into my chamber.
[Exeunt.SCENE VI.Another Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Fenton and Host.
Host.
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind
is heavy, I will give over all.
Fent.
Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my purpose,
-- 174 --
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold, more than your loss.
Host.
I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will,
at the least, keep your counsel.
Fent.
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection
(So far forth as herself might be her chooser,)
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof5note so larded with my matter,
That neither, singly, can be manifested,
Without the show of both;—wherein fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene6note
I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:
To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen;
The purpose why, is here8note; in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot9note,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented:
Now, sir,
Her mother, even strong against that match1note,
And firm for Dr. Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds2note
,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor;—Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her go,
-- 176 --
She shall go with him:—her mother hath intended,
The better to denote3note
her to the doctor,
(For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,)
That, quaint in green4note
, she shall be loose enrob'd,
With ribbands pendant, flaring, 'bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host.
Which means she to deceive? father or mother?
-- 177 --
Fent.
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests,—that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host.
Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fent.
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I'll make a present recompense. [Exeunt.ACT V.SCENE I.A Room in the Garter Inn.Enter Falstaff and Mrs. Quickly.
Fal.
Pr'ythee, no more prattling:—go.—I'll
hold5note
: This is the third time; I hope, good luck
lies in odd numbers. Away, go; they say, there is
divinity in odd numbers6note
, either in nativity, chance,
or death.—Away.
Quick.
I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what
I can to get you a pair of horns.
Fal.
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your
head, and mince7note
.
[Exit Mrs. Quickly.
-- 178 --
Enter Ford.
How now, master Brook? Master Brook, the matter
will be known to-night, or never. Be you in
the Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you
shall see wonders.
Ford.
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you
told me you had appointed?
Fal.
I went to her, master Brook, as you see,
like a poor old man: but I came from her, master
Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave,
Ford her husband, hath the finest mad devil of
jealousy in him, master Brook, that ever governed
frenzy. I will tell you.—He beat me grievously,
in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man,
master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's
beam; because I know also, life is a shuttle8note. I am
in haste; go along with me; I'll tell you all, master
Brook. Since I plucked geese9note, played truant,
and whipped top, I knew not what it was to be
beaten, till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you strange
things of this knave Ford: on whom to-night I
will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into
your hand.—Follow: Strange things in hand,
master Brook! follow.
[Exeunt.
-- 179 --
SCENE II.Windsor Park.Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Page.
Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch,
till we see the light of our fairies.—Remember,
son Slender, my daughter1note.
Slen.
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and
we have a nay-word2note, how to know one another. I
come to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget3note;
and by that we know one another.
Shal.
That's good too: but what needs either
your mum, or her budget? the white will decipher
her well enough.—It hath struck ten o'clock.
Page.
The night is dark; light and spirits will
become it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No
man means evil but the devil4note
, and we shall know
him by his horns. Let's away; follow me.
[Exeunt.
-- 180 --
SCENE III.The Street in Windsor.Enter Mrs Page, Mrs. Ford, and Dr. Caius.
Mrs. Page.
Master Doctor, my daughter is in
green: when you see your time, take her by the
hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch
it quickly: Go before into the park; we two must
go together.
Caius.
I know vat I have to do; Adieu.
Mrs. Page.
Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius.]
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse
of Falstaff, as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying
my daughter: but 'tis no matter; better a little
chiding, than a great deal of heart-break.
Mrs. Ford.
Where is Nan now, and her troop
of fairies? and the Welch devil, Hugh5note
?
-- 181 --
Mrs. Page.
They are all couched in a pit hard
by Herne's oak6note, with obscured lights; which, at
the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they
will at once display to the night.
Mrs. Ford.
That cannot choose but amaze him.
Mrs. Page.
If he be not amazed, he will be
mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be
mocked.
Mrs. Ford.
We'll betray him finely.
Mrs. Page.
Against such lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mrs. Ford.
The hour draws on; To the oak, to
the oak!
[Exeunt.SCENE IV.Windsor Park.Enter Sir Hugh Evans, and Fairies.
Eva.
Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember
your parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the
pit; and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid
you; Come, come; trib, trib.
[Exeunt.
-- 182 --
SCENE V.Another Part of the Park.Enter Falstaff disguised, with a Buck's Head on.
Fal.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the
minute draws on: Now, the hot-blooded gods assist
me:—Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy
Europa; love set on thy horns.—O powerful love!
that, in some respects, makes a beast a man; in
some other, a man a beast.—You were also, Jupiter,
a swan, for the love of Leda;—O, omnipotent
love! how near the god drew to the complexion of
a goose!—A fault done first in the form of a
beast;—O Jove, a beastly fault! and then another
fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on't, Jove;
a foul fault.—When gods have hot backs, what
shall poor men do7note
? For me, I am here a Windsor
stag; and the fattest, I think, i' the forest: Send
me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to
piss my tallow8note
? Who comes here? my doe?
-- 183 --
Enter Mrs. Ford and Mrs. Page.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John? art thou there, my deer?
my male deer?
Fal.
My doe with the black scut?—Let the sky
rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of GreenSleeves; hail kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes;
let there come a tempest of provocation9note
, each a
haunch: I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders
for the fellow of this walk2note
, and my horns I
bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman3note
? ha!
-- 185 --
Speak I like Herne the hunter?—Why, now is
Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution.
As I am a true spirit, welcome!
[Noise within.
Mrs. Page.
Alas! what noise?
Mrs. Ford.
Heaven forgive our sins!
Fal.
What should this be?
Mrs. Ford., Mrs. Page.
Away, away.
[They run off.
Fal.
I think, the devil will not have me damned,
lest the oil that is in me should set hell on fire;
he would never else cross me thus.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, like a satyr; Mrs. Quickly,
and Pistol; Anne Page, as the Fairy Queen,
attended by her brother and others, dressed like
fairies, with waxen tapers on their heads4note.
Quick.
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moon-shine revellers, and shades of night,
,
Attend your office, and your quality6note.—
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy o-yes.
Pist.
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys7note
.
-- 187 --
Cricket, to Windsor chimnies shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find'st unrak'd8note
, and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry9note
:
Our radient queen hates sluts, and sluttery.
Fal.
They are fairies; he, that speaks to them, shall die:
I'll wink and couch: No man their works must eye. [Lies down upon his face.
Eva.
Where's Pede1note?—Go you, and where you find a maid,
That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasy2note
,
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;
-- 188 --
But those as sleep, and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.
-- 189 --
Quick.
About, about;
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out:
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room3note;
That it may stand till the perpetual doom,
In state as wholesome4note
, as in state 'tis fit;
Worthy the owner, and the owner it5note
.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm6note
, and every precious flower:
-- 190 --
Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, ever more be blest!
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look, you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring:
The expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And, Hony soit qui mal y pense, write,
In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white;
Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery7note
,
Buckled below fair knight-hood's bending knee:
Fairies use flowers for their charactery8note
.
-- 191 --
Away; disperse: But, till 'tis one o'clock,
Our dance of custom, round about the oak
Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.
; yourselves in order set:
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But, stay; I smell a man of middle earth1note
.
-- 192 --
Fal.
Heavens defend me from that Welch fairy!
lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!
Song.
Fye on sinful fantasy!
Fye on lust and luxury7note!
Lust is but a bloody fire8note
,
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart; whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villainy;
-- 194 --
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
Till candles, and star-light, and moonshine be out.
During this song9note, the fairies pinch Falstaff1note,
Doctor Caius comes one way, and steals away a
fairy in green; Slender another way, and takes
off a fairy in white; and Fenton comes, and
steals away Mrs. Anne Page. A noise of hunting
is made within. All the fairies run away.
Falstaff pulls off his buck's head, and rises.Enter Page, Ford, Mrs. Page, and Mrs. Ford.
They lay hold on him.
Page.
Nay, do not fly: I think, we have watch'd you now;
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?
Mrs. Page.
I pray you come; hold up the jest no higher:—
Now, good sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town2note
?
-- 195 --
Ford.
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?—Master
Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here
are his horns, master Brook: And, master Brook,
he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket,
his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money;
which must be paid to master Brook3note; his horses
are arrested for it, master Brook.
Mrs. Ford.
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we
could never meet. I will never take you for my
love again, but I will always count you my deer.
Fal.
I do begin to perceive that I am made an
ass.
Ford.
Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are
extant.
Fal.
And these are not fairies? I was three or
four times in the thought, they were not fairies:
and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprize
-- 196 --
of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery
into a received belief, in despite of the teeth
of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies.
See now, how wit may be made a Jack-a-lent4note
,
when 'tis upon ill employment!
Eva.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave
your desires, and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford.
Well said, fairy Hugh.
Eva.
And leave you your jealousies too, I pray
you.
Ford.
I will never mistrust my wife again, till
thou art able to woo her in good English.
Fal.
Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried
it, that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching
as this? Am I ridden with a Welch goat
too? Shall I have a coxcomb of frize5note? 'tis time
I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese.
Eva.
Seese is not good to give putter; your
pelly is all putter.
Fal.
Seese and putter! have I lived to stand at
-- 197 --
the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?
This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking,
through the realm.
Mrs. Page.
Why, sir John, do you think, though
we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by
the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves
without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could
have made you our delight?
Ford.
What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
Mrs. Page.
A puffed man?
Page.
Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable
entrails?
Ford.
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Page.
And as poor as Job?
Ford.
And as wicked as his wife?
Eva.
And given to fornications, and to taverns,
and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings,
and swearings, and starings, pribbles and
prabbles?
Fal.
Well, I am your theme: you have the start
of me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer
the Welch flannel6note
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to
one master Brook, that you have cozened of money,
to whom you should have been a pander: over and
above that you have suffered, I think, to repay that
money will be a biting affliction.
Mrs. Ford.
Nay, husband8note, let that go to make amends;
Forgive that sum, and so we'll all be friends.
Ford.
Well, here's my hand; all's forgiven at last.
Page.
Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat
a posset to-night at my house; where I will desire
thee to laugh at my wife9note, that now laughs at
-- 199 --
thee: Tell her, master Slender hath married her
daughter.
Mrs. Page.
Doctors doubt that: If Anne Page
be my daughter, she is, by this, doctor Caius'
wife.
[Aside.Enter Slender.
Slen.
Whoo, ho! ho! father Page!
Page.
Son! how now? how now, son? have
you despatched?
Slen.
Despatched!—I'll make the best in Glocestershire
know on't; would I were hanged, la,
else.
Page.
Of what, son?
Slen.
I came yonder at Eton to marry mistress
Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy: If it
had not been i' the church, I would have swinged
him, or he should have swinged me. If I did not
think it had been Anne Page, would I might never
stir, and 'tis a post-master's boy.
Page.
Upon my life then you took the wrong.
Slen.
What need you tell me that? I think so,
when I took a boy for a girl: If I had been married
to him, for all he was in woman's apparel, I would
not have had him.
Page.
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I
tell you, how you should know my daughter by her
garments?
Slen.
I went to her in white1note, and cry'd, mum,
and she cryed budget, as Anne and I had appointed;
and yet it was not Anne, but a post-
master's boy.
-- 200 --
Eva.
Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see but
marry boys2note?
Page.
O, I am vexed at heart: What shall I do?
Mrs. Page.
Good George, be not angry: I knew
of your purpose; turned my daughter into green;
and, indeed, she is now with the doctor at the
deanery, and there married.
Enter Caius.
Caius.
Vere is mistress Page? By gar, I am
cozened; I ha' married un garçon, a boy; un paisan,
by gar, a boy; it is not Anne Page: by gar,
I am cozened.
Mrs. Page.
Why, did you take her in green?
Caius.
Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, I'll
raise all Windsor.
[Exit Caius.
Ford.
This is strange: Who hath got the right
Anne?
Page.
My heart misgives me: Here comes
master Fenton.
Enter Fenton and Anne Page.
How now, master Fenton?
Anne.
Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!
Page.
Now mistress? how chance you went
not with master Slender?
Mrs. Page.
Why went you not with master doctor, maid?
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, She and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure, that nothing can dissolve us.
The offence is holy, that she hath committed:
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title;
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford.
Stand not amaz'd: here is no remedy:—
In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Fal.
I am glad, though you have ta'en a special
stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.
? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd.
Fal.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd5note.
-- 202 --
Eva.
I will dance and eat plums at your wedding6note
.
Mrs. Page.
Well, I will muse no further:—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!—
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;
Sir John and all.
Ford.
Let it be so:—Sir John,
To master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
For he, to-night, shall lie with mistress Ford7. [Exeunt.
