SCENE II.
Rousillon. A Room in the Countess's Palace.
Enter Countess and Clown.
Count.
Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
Clo.
I will show myself highly fed, and lowly
taught: I know my business is but to the court.
Count.
To the court! why, what place make you
special, when you put off that with such contempt?
But to the court!
Clo.
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any
manners, he may easily put it off at court: he that
cannot make a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and, indeed, such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court: but, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
Count.
Marry, that's a bountiful answer, that fits
all questions.
Clo.
It is like a barber's chair, that fits all buttocks2 note
;
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the
brawn-buttock, or any buttock.
Count.
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
Clo.
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffata punk,
-- 370 --
as Tib's rush for Tom's fore-finger3 note
, as a pancake
for Shrove-tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail
-- 371 --
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
friar's mouth; nay, as the pudding to his skin.
Count.
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
Clo.
From below your duke, to beneath your
constable, it will fit any question.
Count.
It must be an answer of most monstrous
size, that must fit all demands.
Clo.
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the
learned should speak truth of it: here it is, and all
that belongs to't: Ask me, if I am a courtier; it
shall do you no harm to learn.
Count.
To be young again4 note, if we could: I will
-- 372 --
be a fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by
your answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
Clo.
O Lord, sir4 note
,—There's a simple putting
off;—more, more, a hundred of them.
Count.
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that
loves you.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Thick, thick, spare not me.
Count.
I think, sir, you can eat none of this
homely meat.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Nay, put me to't, I warrant
you.
Count.
You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—Spare not me.
Count.
Do you cry, O Lord, sir, at your whipping,
and spare not me? Indeed, your O Lord, sir,
is very sequent to your whipping; you would answer
very well to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.
Clo.
I ne'er had worse luck in my life, in my—
O Lord, sir: I see, things may serve long, but not
serve ever.
Count.
I play the noble housewife with the time,
to entertain it so merrily with a fool.
Clo.
O Lord, sir,—why, there't serves well again.
Count.
An end, sir, to your business: Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back:
Commend me to my kinsmen, and my son;
This is not much.
Clo.
Not much commendation to them.
Count.
Not much employment for you: You
understand me?
-- 373 --
Clo.
Most fruitfully; I am there before my legs.
Count.
Haste you again.
[Exeunt severally.
James Boswell [1821], The plays and poems of William Shakspeare, with the corrections and illustrations of various commentators: comprehending A Life of the Poet, and an enlarged history of the stage, by the late Edmond Malone. With a new glossarial index (J. Deighton and Sons, Cambridge) [word count] [S10201].
